(Words) He's Still Here.... - My Dad...

I mean just read the post man... @ who they are.

I don't remember intimate details of my Grandfather's death. I mean I know THE BASICS don't get me wrong but VERY LAST DETAIL? No. What I do remember are the days surrounding it and my own Father's 'shift' in Fatherhood and Manhood. It was huge. Definite impact. More thoughtful. Information started coming faster in regards to me. It was like watching some sort of 'passing of the guard' that was silently taking place. He took on even more than he had previously. He was QUIET for a long time though before it become outwardly apparent. There were days of REALLY THOUGHTFUL SILENCE and many a long run. Sometimes, I would run with him and sometimes off into the night he would go, alone. What I didn't understand then, I more than understand it now. @ the things that transpired during that time period.

Now before you go 'logic leaping', up until that point my Dad was an EXCELLENT DAD. So don't assume I am saying he was horrible. He was a young man in his late 30s to early 40s (I know some of you 19-20somethings think the word 'young' only applies to you but it doesn't..compare it to being 60ish. Broad range..) trying to raise a young BLACK MALE in a society that wasn't exactly 'as accepting' of young black males with VERY FEW LIVING ROLE MODELS TO PATTERN THEMSELVES AFTER. He was actually in the process of getting his OWN SHIT TOGETHER at the time, unbeknownst to the younger me at the time, by going BACK TO SCHOOL after having served his country. I didn't realize any of this at the time because unlike most parents today who come home and 'lay it all on their kids lap', he just DID HIS THING AND KEPT IT MOVING. I honestly thought EVERYONE'S parents worked two jobs, came home to crack open a book or two and every two weeks of the month went off to 'training' with their Military gear on. Then again, he surrounded me with folks who did so that's why I thought that. Again, didn't KNOW IT ALL AT THE TIME but all of that was done purposely. Even the MEN AND WOMEN who were childless and the like moved with a purpose. I say all that to say that he was still finding HIS WAY but knew he had to do it to make a way for me and he did that. I remember that vividly.

Anyhow, that time period stuck out in my head as I got a little older (I was 8 when my grandfather passed so lets say 11 or 12ish...). I would ask him about his own Father and where he was more 'reserved' (read: private and internal with his feelings)  in the past, he was now very candid. He told me that he wished he had been even more so before but he just didn't know 'how' but was glad that I kept asking. He told me that when I had some kids that I should try not to be so 'private' because they would remember, even if I thought they wouldn't. He was right because while I may not remember the 'finite' details of my grandfather's death, I remember JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING MY OWN FATHER did say at that time. I can only hope I'm doing this right in my own life. @ the sharing I am trying to do. I try to give 'em all that I know and if I don't know it, I try to find out. Just like mine did for me.

It is this time period that is helping me today, as I sit here and think about him on what would have been his birthday. My lil cousin shares this day with him (Happy birthday J!) and I remember just how much joy it would bring my Dad to call him on his birthday. More joy than he got from people calling him on his own for sure. Yes, my Father's birthday would often fall ON THANKSGIVING and while I was thankful for all the toys and other things I got over the years, as I got older and saw the hundreds of kids he was helping who DIDN'T HAVE A FATHER/he mentored/he just flat out helped raise in conjunction with their biological, I became more thankful for just HIM. Thankful for the exposure to many things and situations that I otherwise probably wouldn't have sought out on my own.

Now I am not gonna sit here and blow proverbial smoke up ya'lls (insert the word...ATTEMPTING TO KEEP THIS CLEAN...WISH ME LUCK) and say we just got along ALL THE TIME. Naw B. He was my Dad. I was JUST LIKE HIM. Which is to say we MORE THAN HAD OUR  SHARE OF 'ISSUES'. He was VERY HARD ON ME. In his own words, probably too hard. (I beg to differ with that at times as quite frankly, it was needed. I can say that NOW. Then? Eh...) I like to say he was doing what he thought was best and didn't wanna leave anything out. He did a GREAT JOB of doing something that comes with no manual and the mistakes he 'may have made' (Yeah..I'm gonna slander him on his birthday...I'm. Not. You. Nope..Sorry. Not gonna slander him. Next.) I learned from those too and am trying not to repeat them. Just like he asked me to. Gave me a lot of game early on in Life and gave me PLENTY MORE later on just by living. Whatever differences we did have, we worked them out like MEN. I hear a lot of you throwing around that 'phrase' like you know something about it. Nigga you don't know shit about that phrase if you are out here KILLING FOLKS behind your 'acting like men' mantra. That's not what men do. Men don't act like pussies and hide but part of being a man is owning up to YOUR PART of a situation and accepting folks apologies and the like. You know...that 'forgiveness' thing many of you view as a 'weakness'? Yeah that... He taught me that. It is VERY HARD TO DO but I've learned to at least ATTEMPT TO APPLY IT. Some of you could stand a taste of that or two...  Especially if you want others to 'help you' like you say they 'should'... There are a LOT OF YOU I WANT TO HELP IN ANY WAY I CAN but your lack of understanding of this VERY SIMPLE concept is stopping me...Another post. Another time perhaps.. @ this topic. (Sorry..I tried. @ clean..)

Today is pretty difficult but I want ya'll to send ANY ENERGY you have not to me but to my MOM. She is the one who could really use it today. From about 8 years old (Any of you elders reading this who wanna correct me..Go ahead! I wasn't there...You would know..I wouldn't..) to THIS VERY DAY, she has had that man intertwined in her life in some fashion. Yeah...go BACK AND READ WHAT I WROTE. I didn't say for EIGHT YEARS. I said SINCE EIGHT YEARS OLD. So yeah...send that her way at the very least and send her a lot. She needs it on this day. Send some to his living brothers and sisters too while you are at it. His nephew. His niece. His other son. That kid who JUST FOUND OUT THE OTHER DAY that he passed away and damm near passed out in front of me as I told him. Send some their way....

Yep, He's Still Here

This is going to sound a little weird but my Dad is still here. 

Obviously not in the physical but in our actions and in our hearts he is near. 

I remember thinking, morbid I know, just how I would be or how I would react. 

On days like these, when I think about him the most. Holidays, birthdays or other days of impact. 

Funny thing is, even when he was amongst us on the Earth but hundreds of miles away. 

I would hear his voice WITHOUT THE USE OF A PHONE or physical presence. Here's a taste of what he would say. 

If I was about to embark on something worthwhile his voice would come to me in my dreams at night..

He'd say "Well now boy I see you doing something worth a damm..I mighta done alright...

I see all the things I tried to tell you, you actually were paying attention. 

Shit, I thought they fell on deaf ears. I mean you never said a word or gave it a mention. 

I know I was hard on you Son but I did it because it was the only way I knew how. 

If I didn't say "I love you enough", know it wasn't cause I didn't. Let me say it now............ "

I also hear his voice while I am awake, usually when things go awry.

His presence is felt then too. Yeah, that's why I often look to the sky. 

Telling me to suck it up and act like I have a pair. 

Telling me that when things DO GET RIGHT AGAIN....to 'act like you been there'. 

Yeah man, I'm trying to tell you My Dad is still HERE AND IF NEED BE I will repeat.

Funny things is, I don't know if I'm saying it to convince you... or reminding myself so that I will feel complete.... 

I mean I don't want to be the weirdo who runs around like Nutso...

Tapping imaginary backboards and playing imaginary games with much vigor and gusto. 

Talking to 'ghosts of Christmas' pasts, cussing and laughing with my Dad when no one can see. 

Wait, I already do similar things like that, who I am kidding? I cope how I cope. Man this me. 

So yeah I'm gonna talk to him. Probably have a couple of odd things I do in his memory.

He is still here with me. Think like how Jay-Z would get them collect calls from his boy Emory.

He calls me up in my mind to drop a gem or two............................

(........Puts the proverbial pen down....We will be here all day... This 'poem' has no end....To be continued...)

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(Words) How 'getting back to normal' is going.....In regards to My Father's death..

Oh if you are a 'new' follower, start here... http://thewarehous.blogspot.com/2011/06/moijust-few-words-on-this-fathers-day.html    Then the post will make more sense to you. It won't be the last of it's type. Don't like it? Don't read 'em. It is that simple. I will be blunt though, if you have ANY SEMBLANCE OF COMMON SENSE, you will figure it out though.




It is going. I mean I would almost say I am 'back' but as I have been told by others that have been through it, 'back' will be relative. I have also been told I have 'changed'. I won't argue with that. At all.

I think his death, his purpose and the things that he taught me have made an already outspoken person such as myself EVEN THAT MUCH MORE SO. Knowing that he isn't here to spread the message makes me want to do it even more. So with that 'want' is what is keeping me in close contact with folks. "Cause my first instinct is to look within and close things up. I take care of myself for the most part. I don't ask or lean on folks like that. If I do that though, I won't be able to do any good in this World. All my ideas and thoughts will be stifled and bottled up. So I press on and decided AGAINST being selfish and holing up like some recluse. He would probably be PISSED AS HELL WITH ME IF I DID THAT ANYWAY. I can here him cussing me out right now for that:




"Boy, what in the good Hell is wrong with you? I ain't coming back. Now get off your ass and do what I taught you. Act like you got a set of balls between your legs and be a man. Go take care of your Mother and my damm Grandchildren...." 


And that is the tame version.... of what he would say. If you know him, you know that..







Do I question 'why'? @ it being his time to go. No. Not because of his age either. Maybe it is my faith. I wouldn't give you guys a 'blanket reason' for it though. For that I might as well not mention it. I don't feel the need to question it because like I said to many of you who I do KNOW IN PERSON, I didn't want him here suffering just so I could look at him. I knew the day I walked outta that hospital in Winston-Salem ('Preciate ya'll in the ICU at Baptist Hospital...ya'll are aight with me...I don't care what anyone else says.) through the doctor's entrance that he wasn't coming out of there. I made peace with that. It still hurts though....and I probably won't be able to think about it without it hurting. As it should be in my eyes. That's just how I see it. 

If you TRULY LOVE SOMEONE, you miss them. It hurts to think about them being gone but it also makes you smile at the same time. I know I am not the only one who has lost someone that close to them though so I know there are others that feel that way. You will notice I don't say I feel 'alone in this feeling' because of that. He taught me that early as child. Empathy. I feel some of you are missing that. If I know you, if I could give you some, I would. It is helpful. That is all I am going to say. Some of you have it actually but have put it to use in ALL OF THE WRONG WAYS. I can only hope you don't end up dead behind it. This is an honest place man. It is the truth. I feel that way. I would tell you to your face if you ask me. Trust me. I have done it. I have someone who is in Gander Hill (prison here in Delaware) that telling that to will be ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS I TELL HIM WHEN HE GETS OUT. Not out of spite. But out of 'I actually give a fuck about him and my Dad did too..He knows who he is. I don't have to call his name. Just because I am not out here screaming 'Free him' doesn't mean I don't think or pray for the brother..I don't do shit for show. Sorry.

You see, I can't 'seek revenge' on my Dad's killer. There is no one to 'talk tough to'. There is no one's family to 'threaten with revenge'. There is no 'system to be mad at'. No judge. No jury. No one to hold a grudge against to motivate me to keep going. No haters. Just his memory and the fact that he is gone. I mean I could go around screaming 'Fuck strokes' but what would that accomplish? Exactly....nothing. So all I can do is deal with it. 




THAT IS PROBABLY THE HARDEST PART OF THIS. There is no one to be 'angry' at. Just gotta deal with it. So deal with it I shall..... Like I do everything else that comes my way...

Besides, what is normal? @ getting back to it....

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This picture reminds me of my Dad and his carvings.....

A flick I snapped at the museum the other day.

Bonus picture of the skies about to open up...Raining on on side of the street and not the other...

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M.O.I....Just a few words on this Father's Day from me...about mine....

Poem of Life

Life is but a stopping place,

A pause in what's to be,

A resting place along the road,

To sweet eternity.

We all have different journeys,

Different paths along the way,

We all were meant to learn some things,

But never meant to stay...

Our destination is a place,

Far greater than we know.

For some the journey's quicker,

For some the journey's slow.

And when the journey finally ends,

We'll claim a great reward,

And find an everlasting peace,

Together with the Lord.

This is the poem I read on the 9th of June, 2011 at my Father's funeral. I know for any of you who are reading this as a 'forward', these words look 'out of place' amidst all the women, the secular music and the like. Too bad. Judge all you want. Couldn't very well get up there and recite Hov now could I? I mean, I could have but it wouldn't have been appropriate. If you think it looks out of place, just keep reading. Things are about to become abundantly clear as to how I feel on this day. The first one without my Father to pick up the phone to call and say 'Happy Father's Day'...

Here is the thing about June 2nd though.  Sure MY father died but he wasn't just a father to me. He was a mentor of most of my friends, cousins and in his circle. He was THE FATHER that most of my friends never had. He pushed his peers by EXAMPLE by doing things such as starting his own dump truck company, delving into making hand carved ducks that would have sold for $1000 or more. I watched person after person in that field make the offer. Not talking what I 'heard' but what I saw. The man who taught him how to do it would IMPLORE MY FATHER TO SELL HIS STUFF but my Father just liked to make the ducks and said "I am not in it for that. I just want to learn the craft..". Another LESSON that has not been lost on me and those around him. It is why he prospered in it. He did it because he loved to do it. (There's a lesson in there somewhere. If you are smart as you think you are, you will figure it out. You may dismiss it but you can't deny it is there.)

I was reminded that he was more than just MY Father as I prepared to bury him in the days leading up to his funeral. From the phone calls I took from his cell phone (Most talked of having no land line....He DID IT. Cut it off and said 'If you don't have my cell then I probably don't f*ck with you anyway..) I was able to see the ABSOLUTE IMPACT that my Father had on folks. I saw it as I went to pick up my oldest daughter from school before catching the flight down to NC when I got the news. You see, two of my classmates TEACH at the her school. One of their main influences in becoming teachers? Men like my Father. (Oh, you thought I meant he was the ONLY STRONG BLACK MAN IN THE WORLD? No. That's you. Stop putting what you would do or mean on me...Please and thank you.) They would often tell me how my Father's patience, guidance and sometimes sternness led them to want to give back to children in the way that men like my Father gave to them. The sorrow they expressed as I told them what had taken place that day re-affirmed the gift that my Father constantly gave throughout his life. 




Many viewed my Father as a VERY STRICT AND DEMANDING PERSON as it pertained to me. Think Doughboy speaking to Trey about his Daddy 'Furious Stylez' only ON STEROIDS. That was my Dad. He just didn't fucking play to be blunt and once my friends were introduced to him (or in some cases made aware as he was my administrator and was to others either older or younger than me for upwards of 20 years) cats backed ALL UP OFF OF THAT 'Soft, scared, (insert negative connotation here) of me 'cause they saw FIRSTHAND that I had someone in my life who just FLAT OUT WOULDN'T ALLOW THE BULLSHIT. Any definition of 'tough' that any of my friends had was quickly dispelled once they were in the presence of my Father. They learned quickly why I was not phased by the 'Worldly' meaning of 'tough' and all the bullshit. None of them could be any harder on me than he could. Physically or mentally.


From the time he pulled his piece out, IN SCHOOL to show the 'hustling ni#@as' what time it was. He also WAS ONE OF THE ONLY ADMINISTRATORS to go down in their hood to bring them food, shoes, or that guidance that they lacked when no one else would. That was my Father. Never scared. Never intimidated. Always giving. Always understanding but always firm and unflinching with the advice. The kids LOVED HIM FOR THAT. To a man (or woman), his kids STILL COME UP TO ME AND TELL ME TO THANK HIM FOR TRYING TO KEEP THEM STRAIGHT. To share stories with me of how he helped them in some way........


So will I be 'lost' without him? No. You see, he has been GROOMING ME FOR THIS DAY MY WHOLE LIFE. I didn't realize it at the time though. I was not that insightful but as I got older, I could see it. Like a light in the distance. It seemed far for awhile but as he went to the hospital for each ailment and the Lord saw fit to let him stay with us, I slowly came to the realization. One of these times.....

Unlike some folks I know with regards to their loved ones passing, when he passed, I was on GREAT TERMS WITH HIM. Whatever 'differences' we may been perceived to have, were non-existent. I talked to him often. Sometimes about deep stuff and sometimes JUST BECAUSE. Our favorite opening line on the phone to each other was 'I was just calling...I didn't want shit...What you doing?" This is HOW WE WOULD START OUT OUR CONVO and it went from there. Time didn't matter. Maybe early in the morning. Sometimes late at night. Sometimes midday. I am going to miss making that phone call. I think I have already replaced that call. I just talk to him out loud now. Call me what you want. Not a #$@ will be given on this end. I can still hear his voice but THEN AGAIN, EVEN 500 SOME ODD MILES AWAY, I would hear it so that is ACTUALLY NOTHING NEW. I am used to that. It isn't haunting at all in any way. It is actually comforting. You see, along with all the other things my Daddy taught me, he let me know REAL FAST that not everyone had one of 'him' in their lives. Just like alluded to up top. Which is why he would always say he admired how I was so willing to 'share him' with others who were of no kin to us. It is why I am the way I am today. Always caring for others (as long as they act accordingly). Always giving. Always advising or passing along the little bit that I do know. I think that is the gift my Father gave me that I love the most. The gift of being a real man. It is why I can stand in the face of some of these 'others' with pride and without fear. 

I have more stories to tell and I can't promise you I won't tell them here. Amidst the music, the fuckery that is the World that I broadcast through this medium to some extent. I don't even ask that you 'respect' it either. "Cause when I feel like it, I will express it. Without your 'approval'. I don't need it. Never did. You just read a TIDBIT AS TO WHY THAT IS SO. I just wasn't raised that way. It was never acceptable to seek the approval of others if what I was doing didn't 'please' the popular folks. My Father taught me that a LONG TIME AGO. You have to know I am not going to stop now don't you? It would be a disgrace to his memory and the work he did with me. 


Love you Dad. 








Now a word from me to the rest of you out there....on this Father's Day.


Happy Father's Day to all the Fathers, cats filling in for and those who assume the duties of a Father on this day. Shoutout to ya'll who are using this day to 'speak out about the misfortune' of not having a Father, about the person that YOU CHOSE to have a child by not doing his part or about those folks who we all know aren't doing their part as parents. I will leave the 'out and out' slander to ya'll and just address those folks just like this. 

IT'S NOT TOO LATE. Get in the game and get involved with your kid if you are among the living. 



I will also take the time to address you folks who are calling them out:


First things first, this is a DAY OF CELEBRATION for some folks so you will have to excuse us if we don't join in your misery. This isn't the day for that. The other 364 days of the year would be better served to make your point truthfully. Some of you need to look in the mirror at the choices you have made, the way you have allowed 'that lack of' to overrun your OWN LIFE AND THE LIKE. There are PLENTY of folks around to help you but MANY OF YOU HAVE IGNORED THAT HELP IN THE NAME OF FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELVES. For those of you who ACTUALLY DON'T HAVE HELP, GUESS WHAT?  It is up to you. Period. You can throw a pity party later. Meanwhile this thing called LIFE IS GOING ON. You might wanna join the rest of us (and your CHILDREN) in it....

Many of you have allowed yourselves to 'wallow' in your misfortunes and you (or/and ESPECIALLY ) your child is suffering due to all of that 'hatred' you have built up. Time to start to heal people. That's all I am going to say. I mean, I CAN EXPOUND if you like but I THINK YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING. Don't you? I thought you did....Let this day be and start fighting to make things BETTER tomorrow instead of sitting and basking in negativity. I am a lil tired of hearing the 'backhanded' compliments and folks bringing up bullshit on these holidays (Mother and Father's Day) I don't hear ya'll any other time of the year. @ those who don't have a horse in this race. Cut that hateful shit out. Be thankful you are in the position to even see some of those children you are speaking on and here's a thought....


GET UP OFF YOUR ASS AND DO YOUR PART TO HELP THAT CHILD FILL THAT VOID. 


How about that? I know I do...Stop talking and complaining...Do something....




 (Excuse the typos..Doing this from my Android. It is a bit difficult. Never done it but needed to get this out..)

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Well...Let me see how much I can cover since

I last posted.

My father damm near went into a diabetic coma in November. He is aight right now, thanks for asking.

Plaxico is an idiot. Period. C'mon fam, handle your affairs.

My TEAM IS STILL ALIVE. Oh if you know me, you KNOW WHO MY TEAM IS. Next up. Baltimore. (More on that later.)

We won. I wasn't going to blog too much about that 'cause it has been blogged about TOO DEATH. I will type about it from here forward though.

I am still 'here'. That is a shoutout to the someone who is probably wondering is he dead? Did he give up? No. I am still here. It is what it is.

I just had a birthday. My lil girl did too. I have some vids and they may make their way here. Depends on the audience and all of that mess. (Wait, nobody reads my blogs 'cause I don't blog enough. Duh.....lol)

Still writing. I have enough stuff for two books actually.

Okay, that is all I can think of for now. I am sure there is more but I just don't feel like talking about all that. Let's focus on current stuff.

This Facebook thing has finally GOT ME. I am on it and I 'get it' now. Someone at another place I frequent bought up an interesting topic in regards to it though.

Family. In particular parents on Facebook.

I personally am fortunate 'cause my parents have ZERO interest in a social network. Yes, they DEFINITELY use the Internet but they aren't uploading pictures to a profile. Nor am I encourging them too do so. I will say that I do have older cousins (as my family is HUGE) that are starting to marticulate their way to the site. I do see THIS AS AN ISSUE. Well, I take that back. It COULD be an issue if I didn't know how to set up the account to limit their access.

Now I am a parent myself so I supposed that some point, my being in the 'cyber' world will undoubtly be frowned upon by my kids. I know it. Thing is I don't care and unless it is for parental purposes, I have no DESIRE to be all up in their personal business when they are adults. So for the life of me I can't figure out any older person (read: parental type figure to a person) desire to 'friend' anyone younger on a social network. All that is going to happen is that you are going to see, hear and witness sh#t that you DON'T WANT TO KNOW. Do you really want to see your niece with #ss up in the air posing for the camera with a bottle of Vodka in her hand? Welp, if you sign up to friend her, that is a GREAT POSSIBILITY. You can't get mad either 'cause chances are 15 years ago (hell maybe even now on the right night) THAT WAS YOU. You gotta think FOR YOUR UNDERLYINGS sometimes and really stop and say "Do I want THIS MUCH ACCESS to what you are doing?" These things are very personal. It is one thing to share them with a 'non stranger' that you have never officially met who lives in Cali. It is an entirely other thing to share it with your Uncle who you will have to sit across from at the annual Easter dinner. Think people!! That's all I am saying. On both sides. Use the personal account controls. It is free you know!!!

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