Life, Love & Sinn: The Miseducation Of Amber Cole | The Well VersedI'mma give you a piece of what she wrote.... Go read the rest of it at the link...Oh and for you 'high horse/but low on the totem pole' cats who don't want a 'porn star' to tell you anything, she sounds better educated than you and your favorite lil 'smart blogger/favorite tweeter'. Word she does...Reading the story of Amber Cole through bloggers and social media sites I’m glad I missed the masses of people berating this young girl for her sexual exploration and making poor decisions with her heart because of one reason… I too was miseducated. The extent of sex education for most young women of color at home is “don’t get pregnant,” while at school its “these are the STDs you can catch.” I remember skipping school to go to Planned Parenthood when I thought I was pregnant by a boyfriend in high school, (turned out I had ovarian cysts instead.) Up until I overheard an older sister and her friends discussing the physical sensation of orgasms, I had been terrified that I had urinated on my partner when I ejaculated. I knew that “16 could get you 20,” but was still flattered by the attention of the good looking older boys with cars, jobs and money… despite having both a stepfather at home and my biological father that both spoiled me rotten. I was terrified of the idea of my boyfriend “going down” on me and thought “giving head” was something only White girls did.
At 16, a boyfriend broke up with me because I wouldn’t give him a blow job and wouldn’t engage in anal sex only to have him come to a video store signing in North Carolina shocked that I had grown up to be, well, Me. But that was the 80s and 90s… before I became a mother, before I went to college, before I met my first love and long before porn. I think back to that same boyfriend at 16 that recorded the sound of us having sex with his dual cassette boom box, (while Janet Jackson’s “Someday is Tonight” played on the other side,) and giggling at the thought of his being able to listen to it later when he was alone. To this day, he still has that tape. To this day, its still considered child porn.
This is not intended to be a condemnation on the persecution and criminalization of consensual sex between teens. I’m not going to get into a discussion of single parent households, fatherlessness and young girls seeking attention or lack of positive role models in the media for young people to follow. I don’t know Amber Cole, her family or her background and I certainly can’t make any assumptions as to what was going through her head when she decided to do whatever “he” wanted in order to win him back. To say that it was despicable how adults attacked this young girl online, to the point of their being rumors of her suicide is indeed an understatement yet – I’m not surprised.
For as long as I could remember, despite the lack of appropriate sex education, I always heard grown ups talk about “fast tail little girls” that flirted too much, wore short skirts or were just victims of their early physical development. No one ever chastises the men for their lecherous looks and inappropriate advances, but we certainly denigrate the girls to harlots rather quickly. What does bother me the most is that even in this day and age, we continue to perpetuate the cycle of misinformation or a lack of appropriate sex education for teens and young adults, yet punish them socially and criminally for their activities. In some states, a 19-year-old can be punished for up to 10 years for consensual sex with a 16-year-old and yet, in talking to my 18-year-old son I’ve found that not once was appropriate ages of sex partners or statutory rape covered in any of his sex ed classes in elementary, middle school or high school. Sex education continues to be limited to reproduction and disease, with limited information about available services for birth control, abortion, incest or sexual abuse.
In light of the Amber Cole Incident and the questions that came later from my 14-year-old currently taking sex ed, I’ve found that traditional sex education continues to stagnate and doesn’t include information on potential repercussions that sexting or consensual filming of sex acts between minors can have on the futures (legally, academically and socially,) of all parties involved. Its not 100% the schools fault. Educators are crippled by fear from parents that are blinded by their spiritual or moral beliefs on what they do and don’t want their children to be taught. Teenagers continue to wear purity rings and yet engage in risky sexual behaviors such as anal and oral sex in order to maintain their virginity. Boys are still allowed to be boys and girls are still expected to be held to a higher standard… and as in the case of Amber Cole, at least 2 boys have now been arrested and the FBI is deciding whether to prosecute…
I have to wonder, did anyone ever have a discussion with Amber Cole about sex in public places or looking out for hidden cameras? Did anyone ever say to these boys that pornography is something produced for and by adults and is not something for children and teens to engage in? Did anyone ever stop to tell these young men that “you don’t have to lie to kick it,” and that sometimes, honesty will still allow them to find sexual satiation while lies will only leave a sea of broken, angry hearts behind?
It angers me that somewhere along the line, all 4 of these children involved have been failed – not just by their parents and their schools, but their communities at large. It seems no one sat this young lady down and explained to her that sometimes guys (and girls) will try to take advantage of her sexuality and to be cautious of who you give you heart to. I’m angry because I see Amber Cole – yet another young woman that was under the mistaken belief that sex and love are synonymous – was willing to do anything for the “man” she loves. I wish that we would stop limiting sex education to bible verses and disease and start giving these young women back their power.
Its time for real world sex education; masturbation, condom use, risky sexual behavior, teen sex laws and consequences outside of STDs and teen pregnancy MUST be included in our discussions of sex with our kids. Parents have to stop thinking that conversations of teen sex will encourage promiscuity. When my oldest daughter went away to college with her boyfriend, I had a discussion with her about birth control. Today, at 19, they have now been together 5 years and are both in their 2nd year of college at the same school and there aren’t any babies on the way. When my youngest got ready to start high school I had a frank discussion with her about boys using a girl’s sexuality to their advantage for their own sexual exploration, and encouraged her to make sure when she is ready that her sexual exploration is on her terms and no one else’s. These are the conversations we should be having with our children.
People continue to act as though the Boogie-Man is some creepy old guy that lives in a house around the corner that everyone knows not to go to his house on Halloween… but what about the predator right in your child’s classroom, or the playground, or on the phone, cupcaking with them late at night? Throughout the late 90s, talk show television and soap operas brought to light the subject of teen domestic violence. I can only hope that the Miseducation of Amber Cole brings to light the subject of teen sex abuse and misconduct and allows us to have more frank, open conversations with our children. Sex is on every television show they watch and in every song on the radio that they listen to. If songs like Miguel’s “Quickie” can be played on the radio, how can you not explain to your children what a quickie is if you hear them playing it or humming along? How can you not sit through an episode of
Family Guy, American Dad, South Park or
Tosh 2.0 with your kids so you can inquire what they know about the subject matter they are laughing at? Sometimes, being a parent isn’t comfortable but you still have an obligation to fulfilling your children’s needs. If we don’t educate our kids, the streets will continue to do so… and Amber Cole won’t be the last young Black woman exploited and these three Black boys won’t be the last to be criminalized as a result.
