(Words) What's your definition of Trust? I trust you to BE WHO YOU ARE. X Difference between being judged and knowing you aren't on the side of 'right'...

Hov did that...so hopefully you don't have to go through that...- Jay-Z @ the following things you are about to read. Pay attention. Lots of Double and triple entendres...You can apply some of what I'm saying here how you want. I know some of you are here to be nosy and that's fine. Whatever I'm 'giving you' in these paragraphs are things I quite frankly don't give a shit if you know. One tends to lose their 'give a fuck' when they lose their spouse so you'll have to excuse my French and candor... Anyway....** I mean I think we ALL PRETTY KNOW THE MEANING of trust according to Webster's but I can't help but wonder am I the only who has had to 'amend' the meaning to tailor fit me. You see when I was growing up, 'trust' meant that I trusted you to 'do the right thing' and ANYTHING THAT DEVIATED FROM THAT WAS A VALID VIOLATION...


Over the years though, as I learned that some people may ACTUALLY MEAN WHAT THEY SAY or they may SHOW YOU WHO THEY REALLY ARE AND WE TEND TO IGNORE IT, I've had to learned that 'trust' has taken on a much more succinct meaning to me.


I trust you to be who you are.. 


Told you it was succinct. Now how does one get to 'trusting someone to be who they are'? Thought you'd never ask. It is really quite simple. 

Pay attention. Folks have a way of cumulatively showing 'who they are' over some time period. Trust in that. Understand that everyone doesn't 'do the right thing' in certain situations and THAT IS JUST WHAT IT IS. No matter what their mouth says, if you can see that time and time again they do 'what they want to do' then TRUST THEM TO DO JUST THAT. 

Trust them to be themselves. Oh you need an example? Cool. I got you. We will keep it common and simple. Nothing complicated. 

Say for instance you are dating/talking/seeing/married to/whatever to a person who is social. You KNOW THEY ARE A PEOPLE PERSON. They strike up conversations with everyone. People gravitate towards them. Nine times out of ten, all it is talking, flirting, whatever. Nine times out of ten. You also know they have a penchant for going out and going EXTRA HARD when y'all aren't 'in sync'. So that ONE TIME outta that ten when that is happening, they are prone to take shit further...

TRUST THEM TO BE WHO THEY ARE. Don't turn a blind eye to shit like so many of folks do. YOU KNOW THEM. You know if he/she walked up outta the house that night with an attitude towards you, some shit JUST MIGHT HAPPEN. It SHOULDN'T but you have to TRUST THE PERSON TO BE WHO THEY ARE. Especially if THAT IS HOW YOU MET THEM. As SO MANY OF US DON'T LIKE TO ADMIT BUT HAVE MET FOLKS. While they were in a 'situation'... and mad at the person they are in the situation with... 

It happens! All the time. Is it right? Nope. Does it happen? Yes. Guard your grill and don't be an idiot. Trust them to be who they are. Remember that when 'shit hits the fan' that you KNEW WHAT TYPE OF PERSON YOU WERE DEALING WITH. Doesn't mean you have 'to stay' either. I'm not saying that. Lets just not act surprised when they go 'do some shit'. You knew. 

Another example is if I have seen you TELL BOLD FACED LIES TO OTHER PEOPLE on the regular and act like it was 'okay'. Listen, I know we aren't all saints out here but AT LEAST DON'T LIE TO PEOPLE AROUND ME and then come giving me the 'But I wouldn't lie to you... ' shit. Or come at me 'celebrating' your deception of someone we BOTH KNOW and 'care' about. 

I don't wanna hear it. It's proven that lying is your THING. I'm gonna 'TRUST YOU'  to lie to me too when I ask you something. Shit, I'm gonna do more than trust. I'm gonna assume you are lying until proven otherwise. You could tell me the Sun was a star and I'd go DOUBLE CHECK that to make sure it hasn't had its status changed. 

If I've seen you 'neglect your kid' just for the pure D fuck of it, I'm gonna 'trust' that I don't EVER NEED TO BE IN A POSITION where I am dependent on you. EVER. I see that part of your makeup and I'm gonna trust that you will let me down. 

Are there ways to 'earn' my trust in the conventional way folks define trust within the confines of the specific things I've outlined? Yes. 

Own up to your bullshit. At least that way I know you are FINALLY being honest ABOUT SOMETHING. I can work with that. One thing I don't like is an arrogant 'untrustworthy' person. Pretty sure you have your 'reasons' for doing what you do but the bottom line is that you are wrong. That's all I wanna hear from you if I'm not 'directly' involved but you still want me to have some line of  'trust' when it comes to things you and I are DIRECTLY INVOLVED IN. I need to know that you KNOW it is fucked up basically. 

Yeah..that's a lot. I know. I don't care. That's how I am. *shrugs* 




Which BRINGS ME to what prompted this little diatribe on a Saturday afternoon on what has turned out to be a beautiful day. As usual, I won't name names but if I take it 'there', know that whomever I'm talking to will be notified in some way that they have been addressed. You just have to trust me on this one. It is better this way. I know what I'm doing. All of you knowing the who/what/and the particulars of the 'why' isn't all that necessary honestly. I can help folks without outing others in regards to others learning from some of my experiences. Besides, when those who are being discussed read this, even though they know nobody knows it is them, it ALWAYS HITS HOME and my point is always well taken. So we are gonna keep this format JUST the way it is... thank you very much. 


I trust you to be who you are. You keep worrying about me 'judging' you. Well maybe if you did shit that wasn't 'worthy of judgement', wasn't 'suspect' or you were TRULY OKAY WITH WHAT YOU ARE DOING then you wouldn't have to worry about what the fuck I think? Ever think of that? Oh.... You've got a problem. You can't accept what the fuck it is you are doing YOURSELF. More on that later.. 

You are too secretive. You should be a 'mystery'. No doubt. Secretive though? No. 

Not sure WHAT OR WHO YOU THINK I AM but I've FORGOTTEN MORE ABOUT DECEPTION than you fucking know AND IT IS PRETTY FUCKING INSULTING that you think you are 'winning' with your 'secrets'. I won't get up here and profess to.... I'll leave those reindeer games up to you. You can play the 'denial' route. Your life. Do what you want. Not saying that. Let me say this though. Let's not say you are good for seven when you should be 'going board' though. That's all I'm saying... 

You see, when I've done or am doing 'shit I know would be questionable to anyone else', I get myself a big bag of 'Don't Give A Fuck' and proceed to do what it is I do. If I know you 'need' to know so you can CHOOSE HOW YOU WOULD LIKE TO PROCEED due to any danger of my activities, I let you know. Common courtesy. I don't worry about being judged 'cause if I TELL you what I'm doing and you can't fuck with it, OUT YOU GO. It is that simple. You need to acquire some of that. You think you have it but you don't. You are FAKING IT. Stop that shit. ASAP. Not for 'me' either. For you. One less thing to worry about. @ being 'judged'. That's you worrying about what I think not me judging YOU that you feel. Now I may ask a question so I'll know what I'm dealing like ANY SMART PERSON WOULD DO but I'm not judging you. I'm protecting MYSELF. Like I fucking should. You or no one else is gonna make me feel bad about that. Fuck that. You need to learn the FUCKING difference between the two. Now. 

I'm different. I could probably find good in just about everybody as everyone has their reasons for doing or being how they are. I hear all of you out here screaming 'Accept me for who I am and stop judging me' but shit... YOU'VE HAVEN'T STOPPED JUDGING YOURSELF. You haven't ACCEPTED YOURSELF FOR THE SHIT YOU DO. No wonder you think no one else can. 'Cause you can't do that for yourself. The minute you do, IT WON'T MATTER IF CATS LIKE IT OR NOT in general. There are few select people whose opinion you value but on the whole, it WON'T MATTER. 

One can't even ask you about what you are into and SUPPORT YOU without you screaming you are 'being judged'. Fuck outta here with that shit. You've judged yourself and you know how YOU WOULD LOOK AT IT 'cause YOU WOULD STAND IN JUDGMENT. That's NOT MY FAULT. To top it off,  I'M NOT YOU. I'm not judging. I'm just ASKING. 

I'm me. Always have been. I know some folks who have done some FUCKED UP SHIT IN THEIR LIVES (and are still doing it) but I also know a whole other side of them. That's the side I deal with. You gotta expand your circle a bit... All of us aren't over here waiting to 'put you on trial'. Shit, we've been on the stand with a 'jury of our peers' and watched them forget every sinful and immoral thing they've done as they've stood in JUDGMENT of whatever 'we are on trial' for. Some of us get it and wouldn't do that..I'm one of those people. -_- 


Then you wanna run that 'Nobody cares about me...' bullshit game. Bullshit. Folks wanna care. You just don't want to let them..lol 'Cause that would require someone POSSIBLY calling you on your shit or you having to look at YOURSELF and justify whatever you are doing within. You don't want to face that. That's 'our' fault. Sorry.. 


The cards are ALREADY STACKED against you or anyone else getting ANYWHERE near what I am capable of giving a person. Don't fuck off the little bit I'm capable of giving NOW by showing me how I should 'trust you' by the behavior you exhibit. 

'Cause I will hold you to who you 'show me who you are'. Of course then I'll be the 'ignorant' one. As usual. -_- 

and lets end the speculation...

I'm talking to 'all of y'all'..... - Jay-Z

'Cause you all have some PURE BULLSHIT with you*...and you wonder why you keep getting hit with the 'guard'. 

How's that for 'trusting someone to be who they are? Due to my situation I've lost all of my filter. I always told the truth but would soften the blow. Now? You already know. I'm gonna lay it on the table. Even when I should 'lie'.... Remember? Your words...not mine. Oh you thought you were the only who has said that to me? Awwww... listen to me WHEN I TELL YOU THINGS. 


I had to learn to give the truth all the time though. I can admit that. It was a long period of 'work'. I can relate to and give leeway for that. As long as you are 'working towards it'... 

Some of you should be. You aren't. I keep hearing your 'age' as your excuse. No. Not as long as you want to do 'grown up shit'. Leave that Little League shit there. Full grown around here.. 






*Didn't say I didn't either.. Nor that I've ever dealt with someone who didn't.. We all do. Some of us have learned to own up to it and understand the reactions we illicit when we get to acting that way is all...

** To you..you..you and ESPECIALLY YOU.. You thought you wanted to 'read what I put in the air on the Net' huh? How's that working out for you? I didn't lie. Told you it might end up here.

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(Grown Folks Talk) It's been a month already X Blackout on Blog lifted aka the Women Are Back

The song says it all... 

Yesterday made it a month since you've been gone. I probably won't do it like THIS every month but I'm also sure I won't stop counting 'em for a good minute. Huge hole still here. Things are rounding themselves into shape, like I knew they would BUT that doesn't make it any easier to do or deal with. The 'baby's' birthday went well....

....Wait, why I am telling you these things like you don't have your hand in 'em? I guess to make myself feel better. *chuckles*. Anyway, there is so much that I want to write here but I won't. I know you know this is my outlet but you also know I've already reverted back to circling in the wagons. I hope to give a good mix of both here in the future. Giving pertinent information to continue to help others who have had to deal with this and the peace of mind that I haven't shared EVERYTHING and maintain some sort of privacy within my own standards. So far, so good. I don't feel like I've given a WHOLE lot. Just standard stuff. That said.. more 'standard' sharing coming in the next paragraph as I want folks to know it is 'okay' to do or not do certain things in their own time.


Your clothes are still intact. Sans your white dress shirt that the oldest always wears to her concerts for violin. I know you were sitting there smiling as the child played her heart out last night. I can't bring myself to even begin to try to 'move' them and as a result they occupy the same space they did when you left. Your car however, had to go. Matter of fact, they both did. Too much memory. Too much sweat equity. Hair everywhere. Cars seem to want to steer in directions that I'm just not ready to go yet and your car in particular PERMEATED of you. As it should 'cause...well... it is YOUR CAR. So yeah, I had to tear that band aid off and get rid of them both. As usual, you kept your promise that I would one day again do something in regards this situation. Thank you baby. Again. No hesitation on it either other than I wish you were once again hear to enjoy that with me. I mean I know you are 'here' with me but I can't touch you and look at you whipping it so THAT HURTS. 'Cause I damm sure would put you on the road in it and watch that hair flow. Watch you put on your lil driving gloves and them glasses.. Lip gloss popping. Pretty lil thang whipping around with that vigor that I taught you when I taught you how to REALLY DRIVE. Simple pleasure I know but one that I took in every time.

Every hour. Just about every minute.. between the jokes.. the laughter...the handling of business... the music (Hell, the music is mostly inspired by...) Thoughts of you... I don't always verbalize 'em 'cause...well..I know I WOULDN'T WANT TO HEAR THAT SHIT ALL THE TIME..lol Understand though.. they are there. :)

Everyone has been so gracious and kind with their words. My WHOLE OFFICE at my former job that I knew had your obit up in their cubicles. It was pretty amazing to see. Calls from everyone. Amazing.

I truly appreciate it. Kids do too.

Still.. there are times... well...yeah... @ alone. Unfortunately, there's not much anyone can do. Only thing I can do is walk DIRECTLY into those times so that I can 'walk back through' the other side of pain for a minute. That's it really.

The rest? You kinda already know so I am not gonna put it here....Or not in this post at least. Maybe I'll let some songs talk for me or put it 'poetry' form.. *shrugs*

The wall is slowly coming back up it seems. Slowly..


THE BLOG AND THE CONTENT

As y'all can see, the 'blackout' is over. For now. I'm not sure 'how' this event is going to affect the blog though. I suppose I could go back totally to business as usual but we will see. Like I always say, IF THIS IS 'GOODBYE' to your visits, I hope you enjoyed your visit and I thank you for even reading what you have read thus far. You could have spent your time anywhere else. You didn't. So thank you. This is what I DO THOUGH. @ the content and such. Not gonna change that. I may take my time getting back to it OF MY OWN CHOOSING but not for you. Sorry. 


The Twitter 2 X Series coming to an end but have no fear....

I probably will 'retire' the Twitter 2 X of the Week series and bring something else in its place. It is only fitting that MJI be the last one I think. I have to think of a name and all of that though so that makes it pretty 'difficult' in that regard. So it may TAKE A MINUTE for me to do replace the series.

Concept will be the same though. Plenty of candy BUT with some sorta underlying 'spotlight' on the other side of that person. 

Oh you didn't 'get that' out of the series before? You weren't paying attention then. The point was always to promote their attractiveness in a POSITIVE WAY. Not a positive way according to how 'you would do things/would want your woman to act/act as a woman' either. In THEIR WAY. I was never here to make a woman feel some type of way about loving the way she looked. Y'all can keep that. You can ask ANY OF THEM WHO EVER GOT FEATURED and to a gal they would tell you the first thing that they enjoyed about the series was how 'tasteful the words were' and how they were presented. How they felt 'humanized' by the post as opposed to being 'demeaned' by ugly language and labels that they didn't 'ask for'. Those that 'did promote themselves' in that manner got that but for those who just wanted to 'do whatever it is they do' and still be known as human, THEY GOT THAT HERE. That's what the series was about. That is what it will continue to be about. Sometimes spotlighting those who WANT TO BE KNOWN FOR THEIR PHYSICAL and sometimes spotlighting those who SHOULD be spotlighted for it but somehow are not BUT ALWAYS SPOTLIGHTING THEM AS HUMAN BEINGS. With feelings. Get it now? How do you think 'she' would even 'condone' such a series if I was out here degrading women? Yeah.. okay..-_- 


For some 'smart' people, some of you are pretty dense man... Aight.. enough about that.. Mess around and turn this into a rant up in here. Not what I came to do....



My interview log is BACKED UP obviously BUT THAT WILL BE BACK TOO. Just give me a minute. I have pretty concrete plans to be in Durham on NYE though so there might be SOMETHING on that front that I can 'share'. @ Pics and such. Maybe though. I am gonna be amongst 'Friends' so I might just 'chill'. Usually though, when I do JUST THAT, I get some of my better posts. We shall see though...


'Preciate y'all who still COME BACK AND CHECK to see what is cooking over here. Slowly but surely, things will get back to where they were. Thank you for your patience. Just out handling the day to day business that is to be expected when one's spouse dies. Thank you..

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