(Words) My role didn't 'change' it just finally got noticed X Father's Day thoughts from me.. X Wingman X Call Sign is "Goose"

This might be one of those posts that some of you will be able to do is nod your head. I probably gonna be cryptic (surprise...surprise!) but I have to say what I have to say. Pretty much the only way I feel comfortable doing it is this medium. You can always not click on these you know.. @ the posts..

June 17 2013..... Almost seven months now.... You know, as much as I want to stop counting the days... certain things just won't allow for it.


The 'firsts' keep piling up....Birthdays...holidays..Discussions... There have been revelations galore. Discoveries that well....quite frankly... make me wish I wasn't so damm 'intelligent'. Some that haven't though. Some bought comfort. Others bought a lil more to deal with. All were NEEDED THOUGH. The words 'Too smart for you own good' come to mind however...lol

The things that I have realized, discovered, come to grips with, whatever you wanna call them are the very things that make one make cruel jokes when bad things happen to others, make one shudder in fear that they too may once have to face such adversity and has made many folks just flat out LIE, retreat, or disappear when it is time to put up or shut up.

I see why now some of you sit back in admiration. I've watched some of you go through some of them on a smaller scale and RUN. Retreat. Fall back. Lose your nerve. Do nothing. Say nothing. Let it lie. Lay down..

I'M MADE OF NONE OF THAT SHIT THOUGH. @ what this situation would make most of you do. Bad as I think it could get. As bad as things REALLY ARE. I'm not made like that. Oh, to some of you I wasn't 'built like that' due to the fact that I have not 'fought for the trivial bullshit reasons that some of you have gone out for. I hear it in your voice. You know that not to be true NOW. It's a fucking shame I had to lose a wife for you to see it though. I've ALWAYS BEEN THIS WAY. Never wavered. Always did things when they needed to be done. Now here you come, late to the party..like usual.... Just now realizing it might just a be a bit bigger than you thought...


That 'respect' you give me for dealing with my 'situation' and all lets me know that. It's just different now. Your eyes tell me you 'wanna tell me something' but your heart knows that at this point, I could probably give a fuck less about whatever trivial shit you have for me and that I've probably processed it WELL BEYOND ANY REALM you could think of. Even if this were a movie, it would be too 'real' for the lot of you. Your words reflect that. My bluntness, my curt responses, unwavering real answers to questions show you that....

Yesterday was a celebration of Fatherhood and I am very happy for those that received the accolades that they deserved. 'Preciate the well wishes from many of you as well. I have to say this though..Been wanting to just flat out say it for YEARS... 'Cause I feel like it needs to be said... I'm no Johnny Come Lately outchea...


I've never NOT BEEN THEIR FATHER. I've never NOT been their first and last line of defense. EVER. In their Life.....


So as I sit here this morning on Monday June, 17th, with this 6 year old in the same place she has always made her way to at some point EVERY MORNING, into the same spot that ALL OF MY CHILDREN EVENTUALLY FOUND THEIR WAY TO IN THE AM, know that. I know some of you 'know' though. You've seen it. I just hope you don't 'forget' or 'misremember' history in light of new events. I feel like some of you have forgotten though. Or maybe you just never 'knew'.. 

So I'm telling you.  Not 'cause something happened either... You see, I have enough 'emotion', pain, and turmoil that shit that happened weeks or months ago can bubble up from time to time. So I don't need much 'motivation' to write about it. I kinda live it... Every once in awhile, the volcano erupts and this time I'm not really about that 'Caring about who is in harms way' of the lava Life. Many of you have waited for this day.. Here it is. Enjoy it. Don't be too surprised if you catch a stray though... 

Your interactions, brief, long, or whatever with all parties involved in my situation (or the main party) that have shaped what you 'thought you knew', only gave you a peek. A small look into the Life. 

I wanted it that way. Trust me. I walked away from more 'problems'. Over the YEARS, I've heard 'what you said'. How you felt.

I knew you were taking my Fatherhood for granted. Like it was an entitlement. Like my lessons that were on public display were for you enjoyment. Your revenge for others who have scorned others. My punishment if you will... lol 

I knew a lot of you 'lived' through me and thought 'One day, I'm gonna get my shit together and be a Father to my kid..Like that man is showing my kid RIGHT NOW..." 

"One day my brother (my baby daddy/my husband/sperm donor/etc) may be the Father he is..." I know. I saw it. 

"It's probably just her.. It can't be him..Good genes...Probably...Look at him, never did like that nigga...Damm it might be him.. Well if it is then it because of her..." @ how some of you felt/feel.. 






I turned 'away' from a lot of shit 'cause THEE MOST IMPORTANT THING WALKING AROUND ON THIS EARTH ARE MY KIDS TO ME. I did things I KNOW I didn't have to do for the sake of peace. I walked away when I knew I was RIGHT 'cause I knew how much.... yeah... I adjusted. I made alternative plans for folks 'ways' 'cause I KNEW they weren't thinking shit through... I've been 'on fire' with anger and STILL DID THE RIGHT THING 'cause well..it was the RIGHT THING TO DO. 

No apologies. 

No 'Damm that was fucked up what I did... I'm sorry'... nothing received. Nothing but a 'Oh that's 'cause he is a good father/man..' so let me continue to shit where I eat..

There isn't much I haven't done in the way of 'sacrifice' for ANY OF MY CHILDREN. I could have been MADE THIS ABOUT ME and well..frankly been 'right'. 

It's never been about me for very long man..I might get a day here or there. Nothing long term though. I've always made sure everybody else around was 'comfortable' as they could be in the situation even while I was getting my proverbial head stepped on. Everybody else got to do 'what they needed to do..'. Not me though. I KNEW I'D GET MY TURN. Didn't know 'how' though. Wish it wasn't like this... but alas, it is. 

Oh that's my own fault that I had to wait? That things 'turned out' how they did? Oh you don't care? See, that's the shit I'm talking about. Now though, when I pull a you on YOU I'm wrong... Oh... @ not really giving a fuck. 

I hear folks speaking of either them or other folks in the situations, 'putting up with this' or tolerating that' or 'sacrificing that' and it seems that some of you think that is only specific to a 'gender' or to a particular 'circumstance'. Newsflash. 

It isn't. 

Double duty.. DOUBLE TIME.... For more than one person. Funny how that seems to be 'forgotten'. Funny how some of you never noticed either. I mean who did you think had and DID FOR the children while all those hours got worked? Double shifts and whatnot.. 70 hour weeks... weekends too.. While all that 'playing' and 'memories of good times were being etched out? All that out of town going? All that school going and education pursuing that took place? 

Multiple folks could take jobs WHEREVER THEY WANTED. Didn't have to worry about anything but going to work. Do with their vacation pretty much as they saw fit, if they even wanted to take it. With no worry about who had 'the children'. 'cause...yup...you guessed it.. 

Work an overnight shift? Change of hours? Hey..I can do that. No problem. 

Fly out to Chicago? No problem. Go away to workshop....Yup no problem.

Oh there's an issue at work... go solve it. 

This isn't a movie man. My kids didn't just disappear via the production's pen because we could skip that chapter. This isn't the 'Soaps' where one day Sarah is 2 years old and next Tuesday she is 21 and on a arts school scholarship... Somebody had to handle that business. 




While working his OWN 40 hour week job 50% of the time.... Using his vacation and sick time PRETTY MUCH FOR CHILDREN and not trips to who knows where.... or when he was actually sick.. Field trips... sick days... "I forgot this...".... "It is such and such Parent day...".... Oh the job is getting in the way? Fine. Got that up outta here too. I LOVE MONEY like everyone else but eh... Did the math... 

Haven't figured out who the person who might have made these sacrifices could be yet???

Let me help you out...just in case you get any bright ideas... My Momma (and Daddy when he was alive) lives 500 miles away... so that's a no. Other Maternal grandmothers and grandfathers deceased. Paternal grandmothers and grandfathers deceased all three ways... Not an option. Never WAS an option. So that leaves...

Me. Started out that way. No dropping kids off to in-laws on the regular. I did it. As it SHOULD be but as we ALL KNOW IT ISN'T FOR EVERYONE so lets not act like it is.. *

I digress though.. I didn't think I'd ever have to come out and SAY IT. Clearly, I have to though so....

I'm saying it. For me. Somebody has to speak FOR ME and I've reached the point that I'm gonna do it. Feelings BE DAMMED. Fuck your feelings. 


I've done MORE IN 15 years THAN MOST FOLKS DO IN 30 years. If I walked away RIGHT NOW, I'd be good. I'm not gonna do that but lets be clear that I know my worth out here. Okay? Good... 


I'm still here.. 

This post is probably gonna come off as a 'I did it all' post. Naw. Not at all. Clearly OTHER FOLKS DID THINGS IN THE RAISING OF THESE CHILDREN. If that isn't clear to you let me make it clear. They did. 

What the post is about is what my role ALWAYS WAS. I clearly don't owe any of you 'an explanation' but since some of you feel the need to voice your displeasure to me or about my actions.....it  should be noted that my 'role' didn't just become that on or around November 19th 2012. It has always been that. Maybe 'you' didn't know it cause well... YOU WEREN'T AROUND and in some cases, despite 'who you are' you didn't 'need' to know 'cause the show never stopped due to your absence. 

Maybe she didn't tell you. Maybe you didn't listen. Maybe you didn't pay attention...Maybe she didn't make it seem that way. Maybe she didn't know how to 'disappoint' you by letting you know that it wasn't all just her due to the things 'expected' of her (that weren't expected of any of her peers..family..business or otherwise..)  Maybe you were wrong about me PERIOD. Maybe you were wrong ABOUT HER.**  Maybe you didn't know what you were talking about.. Maybe you'll never admit that though... 

Just maybe....

It is why she felt 'comfortable' enough to leave. She KNEW it would be okay. She KNEW what I was doing prior to that day would not only continue but that I could do what she was doing too. The latter took a bit for her to grasp but yeah... I wish she hadn't done it. I wish a lot things though. None of which can undo what is the reality.

I'm still here. 

It is why I don't feel bad now that there are just three of us here. Oh there's still four of us but.... I know what I've been doing the past 15 years. I got the war wounds to prove it. I know what I'll be doing 'till God sees fit for me not to be here anymore. Intention may not be to 'stop me' from doing so but there are no 'favors' being done here for me either. Lets not kid ourselves shall we? 

Information designed to hurt or maim, idle threats of what somebody 'could have done via court', 'you knowing me and my pain' or any of that other mess..... = putting folks in places they have never been in on my relationship ladder. The Youngbloodz and Lil Jon said it best.. I think you know the song... 

You don't give a damm then I don't give a... 


Not what you imagined would be going through my head on Father's Day is it? Well, now imagine putting together with EVERY DAY and the challenges each one of those bring..... 


How ironic that I am writing this today not just for me though. Oh don't get it twisted, I didn't 'make anything up'. I just so happen to know someone who has lost their spouse too. Who is also a gifted a writer. Who probably has wanted to type all of the words AND MORE that I just typed.... 

In the irony of all ironies.. she lived in the neighborhood I JUST MOVED TO. She had to move her children too. Another weird twist. Her mother is my doctor's secretary.  My doctor wouldn't be my doctor if it wasn't for Melissa as he was HER DOCTOR. 

I can't make this up.... I'm writing for her today too. 

The loss of her husband was in the same manner as mine so she has all the rage, the anger, the 'new found advice columnist' in her Life. The burden of taking care of her children ALONE. Many similarities. I hope that you are reading this and that you FINALLY get to writing. I know you have threatened to and I can't make you but I think you would feel better. I really do. It is your release. So go on ahead bring yourself pleasure... One day, I suspect you will write with the 'rage and anger' that I cannot do here in regards to 'her'. One day, you will write for me as I've done for you today. I will be grateful that day too for the words form but the posts never get published. Understand that she hears me like he hears you though but sometimes....it just has to come out. 



So you see, while you think I'm being 'selfish' over here, I'm really doing what I've always done. Helping people. Sure I've done plenty of 'bad'. I know I've also done plenty of good and it seems like for all the good I do, folks still seem to want to shit...never mind. You get the point. Yet I continue. I'm writing for me yes... 

I'm also writing for others. For those that 'do..do.. do ...and do so more' but due to the fact that others have family ties and allegiances, they get no credit. Due to the fact that others can't see things for what they are cause they have their head stuck so far up their own asses while swinging from the tree of "I only care about me and mine", somebody has to speak up. 

So it will be me. I'm speaking up. I know plenty who have done what I have done and they get the proverbial 'Plaque and a gold watch' dismissive wave. Meanwhile, some of you wouldn't be WHERE YOU ARE WITHOUT THEM. Whether you like it or not, they had an impact on YOUR LIFE and you are in a better position to succeed BECAUSE OF THEM. We can get 'hypothetical' but the bottom line is that THEY DID HELP YOU. I've helped you.  Respect it. 

But I'm the one who has changed though.....-_-


I'm gonna make sure my kids are okay and then I'm eventually going to get all the way off of the ground from the things that the last 16 years or so have taught me. When I do, lots of things will be left behind. Lots of feelings will be vaulted up and put into their proper perspective. Demons exercised. Less ghosts to chase. Forgiveness of self. Kids grown.. Parting of ways. Good, bad and indifferent. 

You will say I've changed. 

I will tell you....

* If you have it like that, I'm really not knocking you.. I promise. It is a beautiful thing. Kids should know their grands. Spend time with them. The whole nine. I did. 

Understand though, they are YOUR CHILDREN so yeah... you should probably have them with YOU more than not..Some of you I know personally know the struggle that is your kid listening more to YOUR PARENT than they do to you. You gotta call YOUR MOMMA to get them to go to bed and act right 'cause YOU didn't have them like you were supposed to from the door. 

That's because you allowed your kid to view them as the 'ultimate discipline' in the situation so long that you now have to fight for that right.. Sure, my Dad wanted my kids but 'for what'? Why would I do that? He wasn't going to be around to raise 'em. I knew that. It was my responsibility. So I took it... Anyway.... You got it like that, be thankful and prepared to take the reins one day.. lol


** More than an handful of you have expressed that you were 'wrong about her'. You thought she was 'stronger' than that. Respect to you for saying it. Hopefully you will respect what I am about to say to you though.. 

What kinda fuck shit is that? You 'thought' she was stronger than that? C'mon. She took on her responsibilities which were HUGE, sometimes YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES and countless others and you wanna sit here and say that? 




I mean maybe she should have just chosen to delegate her responsibilities to the next person so that she could have been 'happier' huh? Just like you... Oh.. 

As I said up top though, if she had taken some of y'alls approach to Life, things would have never gotten done the way they were. 

I know..I know..you don't understand. Just say that then.. Not that other fuck shit though. Probably wanna keep that one to yourself.. 

Read More

(Words) "I'm just tired....."

I was watching the Dr. J documentary tonight, GREAT DOCUMENTARY BY THE WAY, and he was speaking on his brother's death....


He got to the hospital just in time to hear him utter those words...


I almost had to cut the TV off. I made it through the first showing of the documentary okay though 'cause I REALLY WANTED TO SEE IT. 

The second showing though.....


As soon as he said it, I had to turn it off. (Luckily, I recorded it...)


Now as a child, I had 'heard' about folks saying that. I even remember my Nan Momma standing up in church, telling her Pastor that it would be her last Sunday in church.....


"I'm tired and I feel like the Lord is ready to take me to be with my husband...I'm ready. So I'd like to thank y'all and tell you that I love you.."- My Nan Mama to her congregation. 

Those three words are something that I got used to 'hearing' over the last 14 years. At FIRST, I thought it was physical fatigue as the person uttering those words worked 2 jobs, PLAYED JUST AS HARD AS SHE WORKED and had a child/raised another one with me. I found out pretty quickly that it wasn't that. 

She was essentially telling me that she was ready to ..... She was prepping for the day that she could no longer......

The look on Julius's face as he recounted the story of his brother....the realization, even after ALL OF THESE YEARS.....that he was being told that. To have to come to grips with that as it BECAME REALITY... I felt his pain. I remember the day that I realized not only what she was saying but that she was serious about this. 

I know that pain. 

I know I'm not alone in knowing that pain but we aren't talking about that now are we? We are here on MY BLOG so yeah.. we are probably gonna talk about how 'EYE' feel. 

That tiredness. No one can seem to understand it. 

I can.... 

...I can also understand how you can feel that way and how it feels to dig DEEP....DEEP....DEEP WITHIN YOURSELF to keep going. Long after ANYONE ELSE WOULD HAVE QUIT. Long after the 'I don't know how you are doing it..' type attitudes would have really permeated things. 

The 'tiredness' doesn't come when you think it normally would. Those 'big days'. Naw.. There is pain on those 'big days' but NOTHING LIKE THE DULLING PAIN THAT DAY TO DAY ACTIVITIES BRING. 

Nothing like the sting of not having THAT someone to talk to while the rain pours down on your house long after the kids have gone to sleep. Not that the conversations were marathon sessions either. Sometimes they were as brief as a head nod, a smile....a gentle brushing away of a wisp of unruly hair. A palm of the head. Or just the simple act of sitting next to that person in silence...enjoying the silence together. 

Not that folks don't 'fill voids' or provide some support. They do. It is just that when the person you have been used to having around when you'get tired' is no longer around........it is tough. You don't wanna lean too hard on anyone else 'cause what if they 'get tired too'? What if they don't 'understand' like they claim they do? Especially when you are mourning the loss of 'that' someone. You can't get 'mad' when they don't get it no more than they can't get mad at you when you can't 'make them get it'. 

This fight.... man this fight.....IT IS A TOUGH FIGHT. So many different angles. So many different things to worry about. 

Sometimes I take solace in knowing that there are other folks have had to sit by helpless to their loved ones plight. Their fate. Knowing it wasn't going to end well and that whatever the circumstances were....that they would have to live with the pain and suffering for the rest of their own natural lives.


I saw that pain that the Angel of Death can bring in Dr.J's eyes. 

It is the same pain I have in mine.... the same one that is in my children's eyes. Good times wash over our faces and they are truly good times. Temporarily covering the pain... 

They mask the 'I'm just tired' in our faces though. Sometimes, I have to put them (the kids) all on my 'back' figuratively and literally.I just don't know if I can trust anyone else enough....

Read More

(Words) It's not your fault (But I think it is 'cause I didn't see it coming) - Some of You.

Had to retreat into my own thoughts for a second. Pretty sure you understand.


The title speaks to the fact (AMONG OTHER THINGS) that when I told folks 'what happened', I could see the 'doubt' in their faces. @ why Melissa decided to end her life.

I could see some TRULY trying to grasp it while others were just like 'Naw...had to be more'. Even saw a few 'Naw, nigga it was you and are you sure you didn't DO SOMETHING." (Too much TV y'all. Cut back on the movies and shit..Yes, it happens but unless to a person, every one of you can tell me TWO CASES in which you know the people PERSONALLY that it happened to, I'll stick to the 'it rarely happens' odds thank you very much. .00000333% does not 'it happens all the time make. Sorry folks. )


All the while telling me that I 'probably should know since I was with her every day".

At first, I was actually okay with that as I knew that 'they didn't know' the full scope of things. Then, I started to grow weary of having to explain it OVER AND OVER AGAIN like my story was going to deviate. Then I got mad when folks just flat out started saying, 'That's not it.."  All while telling me..


'You were with her every day so you would know better than us..." -_-

Imagine how that shit sounded to me..... Yeah.. (I've already imagined how her DEATH SOUNDED TO YOU BY THE WAY. She was my EVERYTHING. Lover, FRIEND, RIDER, PARTNER IN CRIME, AND ANYTHING ELSE YOU CAN THINK OF. All rolled into one..So I can relate how it 'sounded to you. I probably wouldn't have leaped that far though and some of you were a BAD INFLUENCE FOR HER unbeknownst to you. See what I did there? It's called not jumping to conclusions. You should try it sometimes. No really... )

I found something the other day. Not gonna share it here. Shared it with my kids and those that needed to know. @ the actual content.

I'm not crazy. I know what I saw. I know what we talked about it. I know the in and outs of what came out of me knowing. Two simple paragraphs from my wife summed it up perfectly. @ what I found the other day.

So now that I am no longer just 100% but 150% certain I know why my wife did what she did...... Hate that I had to give the other bullshit some light (investigate..not believe..but investigate..)  but I had to rule shit out. Charge it to the game.


5% of what has happened has made it to the published portion of the blog. I'd gather to say about 7% of the situation in its totality has made it here period. Sitting in the drafts section probably never to be published. That said... Here we go....





So much more in this situation that I quite honestly never gave any thought to having to consider. 

I mean I knew that I would have to stand up in deliver no doubt. Just didn't thing self esteem would feel the quiver. 

You see, I was counting on seeing mirror behavior. Having to do what I felt wasn't done for her through the young saplings we've cultivated. 

 I mean if IT WERE YOU in this situation? I would be able to tell you exactly what was what and keep you mentally hydrated. 

Kinda hard to get yourself to drink from the same well though. Even if you have drawn water for others from it your whole life. 

I mean I KNOW BETTER. I know 'all the answers'. I know what is going to come out of folks mouths before they can formulate the words. But.....you see..she was my wife...

There are no mythical time machine I can jump in. No P90X. No 'surgery'. No Pill. No bottle. No elixir. 

The irony that source of my pain finally came to the same conclusions. That there was nothing that could 'fix' her. 

Selfish act? Delusion that there no way out? Self preservation. Been grown her whole life. Her? Gwen Stefani. I was her Jay. With No Reasonable Doubt. 

Life started out in the positive but points got knocked off into the negative far too early. 

Coaches weren't in the coaches box anymore. Forced to be grown when she should have been young, adolescent and girly. 

Super Saiyan mode. Lil girl gone forever SO SHE THOUGHT. Grown woman powers. Activate. 

Never got the 'okay that's enough killer' talk. Or if she got it, she wasn't trying to adhere. 

Never got that she REALLY WAS MEANT TO SEE THE BABIES GROW. That she really was MEANT TO BE HERE. 

Never got that she was pretty enough. Coach's validation missing on her evaluation. 

Competition. Be the best. Pretty standard stuff for some but some NEVER had HER DEDICATION. 

If the goal was one hundred percent, she would set her bar at one hundred seventy five. 

Hit one hundred fifty AND DOUBLE BACK FOR THE OTHER TWENTY FIVE. Otherwise it would just eat her alive. 

Chasing that coach's perceived plans and dream. Living the nightmare that the coach's departure left her in to survive..

Seen through the eyes of an eight year old...seeing the coach's eyes.. hearing the coach's demands and LITERALLY taking them to heart. 

Seeing her other coach pass away. Being pulled away from her childhood home... a whole new start..

Cycles...6,11, 14....years respectively. Matriarch coach is gone. One coach still here. Intimate and legit worries. Living in fear. 

Worrying about remaining coach's health and sanity. When will he leave? Is he going to still be here?

Little girl was never 'gone' by the way. She made appearances all through adulthood and made cries for attention.

She made appearances all the time in adulthood. In the most uncanny ways. Often with plenty of warning and premonition. 

Emotional outbursts, acts and behaviors given dismissive waves by even those within arms reach. 

Not to this naked eye. I saw 'em all. I couldn't speak on them to others though. Her trust, I could not breach. 

Breach it YOU SHOULD HAVE! If she is your friend, family member, etc. That's what you say. 

I did that once. That earned me a seven year exile.  Only I didn't have to 'go away'. 

I did that before and nobody wanted to look beyond 'me' as the issue. 

I did that before and the only thing most of you offered was a brief word and a tissue. 

You went back to your lives even though you CLAIMED YOU KNEW HER BETTER THAN I. 

You claimed to care about her but I HAVEN'T SEEN HAIR NO SIGN OF YOU. When she passed, did you even cry?

You see, I was here THE WHOLE time and unlike some of you who 'knew' something was amiss.

I took THE TIME TO DIG, GET CUSSED OUT, RESEARCH AND GET TO THE CORE OF WHAT WAS WRONG WITH my eldest daughters' Miss Miss'. 

You see, 'cause I CHOSE her to help me raise her. To shine a light on the child. 

I chose her not only for her greatness but so she could fulfill that need within herself THAT SHE DIDN'T GET AS A CHILD. 

I knew my wife knew what it was like to have a childhood in turmoil and I knew she wanted to share and try to heal. 

I knew that one day, she could talk to my daughter and relate to her when shit got real. 

So I'm not trying to hear FROM you what I 'should have done'...

Besides, the blame game is something I do BEST. I can play the board empty. Standing alone on the board. With no one. 

I always wanted her to be more. Do more. Get well. Never EVER GOT IN HER WAY. 

Even if it meant she had to soar and on the ground is where I needed to stay. 



I felt like what I wrote up top had to be said. Some of you are gonna take that as 'shots' at you and truly they are not. I also know who I took the shots at, they will get to see 'em. I don't doubt that. I mean what I say though. *shrugs*

Should it bother me? Probably not.

Does it? Yes. 'Cause I know that is how things get murky. You see, I worry about my kids and some of you are holding onto to things that you have no clue as to what you are talking about. @ what you 'think you know'. I'm not here to 'clear up' specifics either. I just don't need you murking up my kids lives with your version of your '1/4 truths'. That's all. I'd hate to have to ban folks from contact with my kids. I will though.

You weren't here. I was. I can SPEAK ON IT 'cause I took the time to figure out behind all of the accolades, achievements, the prettiness and all of that, that there was an 8 year old girl and 13 year girl screaming out for help.

Did you? Oh.... Okay then. Leave my name out of it. @ what you 'think happened'. It is pretty clear what happened. You just chose to either 'ignore it' or maybe...(gasp)...you missed it. I know the shock that someone who (insert whatever inferior role she played in your Life in regards to her due to her age, family ranking, worker status, etc) basically FOOLED YOU INTO THINKING EVERYTHING WAS FINE when clearly it was not is overwhelming but you are gonna have to face those two realities. Either you igged it or you didn't see it. I'm gonna have to ask the tough question though.

How did you NOT SEE IT if you had ANY knowledge OF HER LIFE?  I mean that was the FIRST THING I saw when I met her AND I MADE IT MY BUSINESS TO FIND OUT WHAT EXACTLY WAS WRONG. I didn't have all the answers then but I SAW IT. I can't see how you couldn't. More importantly, if you DID SEE IT, at some point when it was APPARENT I wasn't going anywhere, WHY DIDN'T YOU COME TO ME with it to make sure I knew? If you cared about her as much as you are proclaiming that is... ESPECIALLY THEN. Maybe not so much 'now'. 'Cause it is hindsight plus you KNOW I KNOW NOW.


How did you miss it?

If you didn't have that knowledge, I'm probably gonna exempt you from the question unless you came at me wrong about 'what I could have done'.. The question applies to you though if you ask me that 'cause I'm gonna ask you.

Why didn't YOU do something?

Look man.. You can 'not like me'. Not think I was 'good enough for her' or whatever you wanna think.

You better recognize though that I was THE ONLY ONE ACTIVELY on a day to day basis who truly tried to help her reconcile her past in that way. While she was watching her past parade by her via her future. @ her kids.  'Cause I was the ONLY ONE who had the nuts to take everything that came back at me for trying. Did you? Oh..okay then. Shut up. Don't wanna hear from you. I watched some of you 'kid glove her' so I'm not talking about what I heard. I'm talking about what I saw. I know some of you didn't too though. Which is why she hid things from you. Somehow, it was my job to DO BOTH and I did that.

How do I know I was the only one?

She told me. More than once. Beyond that, actions SPEAK LOUDER. Didn't really see folks exhibit actions that correlate with the 'things I'm hearing' or WHAT I SAW when she was alive. @ CERTAIN ACTIONS/attitudes/etc. That's all I know.






Like I just said. Legit fear. I read about that country singer the other day and my heart, like most of you who have a soul, just broke. Luckily, I don't have the 'vices' that she has BUT DAMMIT the rest of it, I FELT. 

You know, it isn't like I had an arranged marriage or something. @ MISSING HER. I legit chose her and decided THAT FOR BETTER OR WORSE this is what it was gonna be. I do mean for 'worse' too BECAUSE if you have been reading along, I knew of her issues pretty much the whole time. 

I'm not writing this for you to suddenly say 'Is he okay?? Everybody call him now!!" Naw, I already have people calling and stuff now truthfully. I'm just saying I understand how homegirl felt. Truly. 

The other day, on my Twitter line, I got into a discussion (it was civil) about the 'cowardly' act that is suicide. I won't pretend to feign ignorance to the simple truth of the matter. Which is, if you don't know about it up close and personal, you are probably going to hold that VIEW ON IT SOLELY. Rather, it is probably gonna be the 'main' view you have on it. Sure, you will 'understand' that things go on but since you've never been to that point or seen anyone get there, you just don't understand. Which is fine. 

Like many things you just don't understand though, you probably shut ALL THE WAY FUCK UP ABOUT THEM. -_-

There. I said it. 'Cause I don't even ENTERTAIN things that I can legitimately say, "I've never been through or experienced' THAT I CLEARLY CAN SEE ARE BEYOND MY COMPREHENSION. That's just me though. I digress. 

Picture me telling someone from the 'bomb squad' about their failures on a job when my only experience with them is 'the ground is the black wire' from some damm movie? I've never dismantled a bomb so I probably don't know what the hell I'm talking about. Think of it like that.. That's not to say I shouldn't have an 'opinion' about it but since I don't know what the hell I'm talking about to begin with, I might not want to be too adamant about the inner workings of what it takes to dismantle a bomb. I don't know enough about it to get indignant and self righteous about what should or shouldn't be done. 




I just think that before you slap that label on someone, you might want to do your research and remove 'YOURSELF' from the situation before you pass judgement. Pretty sure there are plenty of things you didn't see yourself doing until you were FACE TO FACE with those things and you had to make some decisions. If you haven't, you haven't lived enough yet. Come back to me when you have. Oh that's right. Some of you have never 'conformed', deviated from your plans or anything like that. You are so special. 

Did you ever finish school by the way? 

That business you were gonna start, how's that working out for you? Oh you haven't started it yet? My bad..

I thought you only messed with bad broads? Why does your...never mind..let me be nice. 

Get it? Okay good... 

Now before someone says 'Well are you saying I shouldn't be MAD at the person for doing that?" 

Never said that. I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT AS WELL. I just wouldn't use the word 'cowardly'. Not when it comes to someone whose mental mind state is challenged and doesn't have what one would deem 'normal' tendencies. That's what I am saying. Let me reiterate that some of those 'abnormal' tendencies are what make those SAME PEOPLE GREAT. 

Where they 'cowardly' when they helped you and ABOVE AND BEYOND to do so during situations that your 'scary ass' couldn't handle? Oh.... 

Where they 'cowardly' when they were the ONLY ONE WHO COULD OWN UP TO THEIR BULLSHIT while you continued to duck, hide, lie, deflect and hide behind bullshit girl/boy mantras? Oh..

Or where they cowardly when they finally did open up to someone about their issues and the fact that they couldn't control them while you STILL won't open up about yours? 

Yeah... be REAL CAREFUL with the 'cowardly' statements...insinuations. That glass house over there is looking REAL SHINY cuh. 

You see, for the vast majority of folks who struggle with this, it isn't a 'once in a while thing'. It is EVERY DAMM DAY. Yes Sherlock, even those days you saw them 'happy'. They don't get to 'pick and choose' which days either. There is no 'Good day/Bad day' wheel they are out here spinning. Not to say that there is one for anyone but in particular there is not one for them. It is a lot. 

The other thing I would like to point out to some of you Perfect Patties/Peters out here is that from what I can ascertain, the folks that suffer from these things usually are some of our more 'RESPONSIBLE' folks IN THE WORLD. They usually have the high pressure/very demanding jobs/lives. The brunt of everyone depending on them (sometimes at their own behest but CERTAINLY THOSE THEY ARE HELPING SURE AREN'T TURNING IT DOWN EITHER..) is HUGE. What am I saying? Let me be clear. 

They are out here doing far more than you are in most cases. With less. You might want to shut up with your judgement and do more. That's what I am saying. Clear enough for you?

Read More

(Words) I haven't 'stopped' writing about her, I've just stopped pushing 'Publish Post' on it for a minute...

I know a lot of you are here because of that now. More thoughts coming. Just haven't published some for lots of reasons.

A. Pretty raw.

B. Pretty busy.

C. Pretty emotional.

D. Some are too private and I probably will NEVER publish but I needed to write down.

E. I don't want to 'wear it out' although I know this is MY process and my situation so I can do what I want to do.

F. I wanted to bring some sense of the 'new' normal to the blog and post up some 'nice' things. Music, candy, whatever. Didn't want it all to be 'sad'. Even though I am DEFINITELY still in the process of dealing with all of this.

Now I know some of you follow me on other mediums, Instagram, Facebook, etc and have seen my lil feeble attempts to 'live'. *chuckles* I'm trying. End of the day though, I am still dealing with this. When everyone is gone, when the tv is off and the kids are in the bed, it is just me.


....and my thoughts. Out of that time has come some of the writings that I have either shared, alluded to up top or that will be vaulted away. The night's activities fall to the wayside at that point and the 'dreamlike euphoria' that is my situation hits me.

I pray for the day that doesn't happen, as often. Note I didn't say I pray for the day it doesn't happen ever. For a lot of reasons. Some you may understand. Some I hope you NEVER UNDERSTAND 'cause that means that you will know the pain I feel PERSONALLY. I want to wake up from this dream but I know I'm already awake.

........It's not a dream. It's my Life now.

Read More

(Words) Walking the Walk with a person who is walking THAT WALK.. - Depression

Update:

I am so glad I made this post. I promise you, I almost didn't push send. Here's just ONE of the many examples why I am glad I did....I've received more than a few emails, letters, texts, etc like this. So I DEFINITELY know publishing this was the right thing..

First of all, it is hard for me to even say that word. @ depression.  I've called it everything but that for the past 15 years as I walked that walk with the person.  So for me to call it what it is finally, after the tragic events two weeks ago is huge for me. Don't get me wrong, I treated it as such but I just didn't want to use that word. I can now.



You see, two weeks ago, my wife committed suicide. With my gun. It wasn't her first attempt either. She didn't have the 'prototypical' bad week before it either. She was GREAT. We were great. When I went to bed, she was peaceful.



When I woke up.. she was gone.. 

There is nothing like waking up thinking 'Is today the day?" when things are going bad. That's not how it went down. She was peaceful. I had seen that peace before too. I think I alluded to that in the other blog posts. Marriage. Birth of kids. Milestones. Achievements. Didn't know that this time that peace meant.....

Lotta speculation on what 'made her do it' by the same folks who can't wrap their head around the fact that she did it in the first place. I've gotten advice not to blame myself only to then turn around and be questioned about 'Why I didn't do XYZ'... 

-_-


....Only to then be told that there was nothing I could do anyway.... 


-_- 


I know WHY though. @ the contradictions. Everyone wants 'answers'. No malice towards y'all. Just letting you know how it felt OVER HERE on my end. 

I was the one walking that walk WITH HER. The 'shock' that most of you are feeling right now? I had to get over that some 14 years ago the FIRST TIME she tried it. At some point, I had to admit to myself that this probably, despite my BEST EFFORTS, wasn't gonna have a Fairy Tale ending. I couldn't tell you that it was gonna be THAT DAY though. What I can tell you is I wasn't caught off guard in totality like y'all were. I would have had to have been a fool to be. 

Does that make it easier for me? No. 'Cause I have to still deal with the fact that she DID IT, I found her and the finality of the situation. It just moves the grief from one part to another basically. Same amount of hurt. Different place. It is just that I don't have that particular 'why' floating in my head. 

I guess now you are asking yourself why did I stay? 'Cause I know that some of you out there just aren't strong enough to deal with a situation like this and it is okay. Let me make this real easy for you. 

I loved her. Flaws and all. The end. 

I often make little tweets and Facebook statuses about 'accepting folks' as they are. With their flaws. As humans. They make more sense now don't they?

I often allude to how most of you could NEVER DO THAT. Not out of spite either. I wasn't kidding though. I actually do that. I don't even wanna get into the half of where this journey took BOTH OF US that I more than did my part and she did too. 

I knew she couldn't help the flaws she had due to her depression 'cause of her approach to the things she COULD HELP and control. Anything that she DID have control over, she controlled. Trust me. It took me awhile to figure that out though. By awhile, I mean YEARS. Once I did though, I was able to never  charge those type of things 'to her' again. Even when things got 'dark', I didn't. 

I knew the truth. 

The reason why she would do/act/etc the way she did. With that came another truth. I realized that if I WASN'T AROUND/awake/etc, things could South really quick and turn into what we are all facing today. 



I mean I already knew I wanted her to be mine, but that day, I made the decision to 'walk the walk THAT she walking on with her.' We only discussed it once well over a decade ago. Only had to once at least by name. It would be linked to every discussion that we had from that day forward though. 

Even in the face of me resigning that things could end this way, I NEVER GAVE UP HOPE that she would one day be well. Never. I had several good reasons not to. I was married to her for one and that in itself says you aren't supposed to abandon your partner. We had children. Then of course there was the love I had for her. No reason to jump off the ship, no matter how high the waves got. 


I'm going to give you a POSITIVE about her in this post. She was FIGHTING TOO. She fought off all of her demons for the better part of her thirty four years on this Earth to accomplish great things. Being a great mother. Being a CHIEF FINANCIAL OFFICER at the age of 33 and not of some lil lemonade stand type business. She won accolades all along the way and the hearts and respect of many. She never STOPPED FIGHTING EITHER. 

I know you may not believe that but TRUST me, she did not stop fighting. Maybe that is what has some of you 'conflicted'? That the person you knew was so well put together that she possibly couldn't have done this. I'm here to tell you that the 'put together' part wasn't a mirage but the pain was real. In the end, the pain and turmoil unfortunately won out.

MJ put up a helluva fight though. Lasted longer than a VAST MAJORITY OF FOLKS I KNOW who have had to fight that fight. I think that it may be looked at like she 'gave up' but you didn't even realize she was fighting the WHOLE TIME YOU KNEW/OF HER, so you didn't know what she looked like when she was FIGHTING. Ya dig? 


This probably isn't the last version of this you are gonna see here. I'm actually not doing these so much for others as I am doing it for myself. To let it out. To talk about it. Don't worry, one day, I WILL STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS. When I have exhausted my time talking about it, I won't go into it anymore. It will be a vaulted door so you better enjoy it now. Only when I want to though. That's my way. You have yours. I have mine. I feel like talking so that's what I'm gonna do. *shrugs* 















Maybe now the cryptic 'poem' I wrote makes more sense.. @ this revelation. Maybe now some of the things I wrote when I 'blacked out the blog' are a little clearer. 

Read More

(Words) Co-Piloting With A Jewel.. What Do I do NOW??/ Right to 'know'...

This is all me btw. @ this 'poem'. I use the term loosely 'cause I personally wouldn't call it that but I know some who would so...


What Do I Do Now?/Co-Piloting with a Jewel



I mean there are some things I am GOING TO DO so you can take the title rhetorically in some sense.

I'm going breath. I'm going to take care of my kids. About those types of things I'm not on the fence.

At first, I was a little unsure of what to do with these 'feelings' I have though. This deadly mixture of love, sadness and betrayal.

I mean I'm super sad one minute and full of fond memories the next. Pissed off a little too. Yeah, I'm running the same gamut most of you are..only I'm not trying to 'make sense' of it. That's to no avail...

She was there when I was in the "SHO" and she 'Escorted' me along.* We were together in the Acura Integera.. the Galant, the Maxima, the Pacifica and the Dodge Intrepid.

Where some of you saw simply smiles and us driving past fast, I was behind the tinted glasses. I was running co-Pilot. Giving turn by turn directions. I was there when things got REALLY COLD and when things got really tepid..

I was behind those same WINDOWS of our World for the GOOD THINGS. Sometimes in the passenger seat.. Sometimes behind the wheel..

Always by her side and her by mine. Hands steady.... keeping it the road...For the MOST PART we kept things close to the vest. Kept most of our lives off the Internet, Facebook and Twitter. Our 'secrets', trials and such we did not reveal...


I know a lot of you have your 'Why' hats on AND are reaching with INCREDIBLE SPEED, making up things. Even stooping to innuendo and grasping at the air.

You can't put your finger on why what has happened. You NEED SOMEONE OR SOMETHING TO BLAME. You need that ...Why? Who? What? Where?

You want to understand and I'd love nothing better than for you to, but for a lot of you, you've just never been to that space..

I mean I could explain IN DETAIL but you wouldn't understand.... I can see when I try to explain.. the look of 'That can't be it" etched all in your face..

I'll try to help you again though. Just some lil tidbits here and there. I mean who wants to be known as the SMART AND PUT TOGETHER person who can't control her demons, her thoughts... her fears..

Who wants the World to know that the probably the smartest, most clutch person they know, spends her nights in a pool of her own tears.

Tears didn't always FALL in the form of liquid and salt FROM  HER EYES...her asking for help didn't ALWAYS come in the form of solemn cries..

You kinda had to be there to understand that though. You also kinda had to know she wasn't accepting too much in the way of any assistance...

In her mind, body and soul she was PUT ON THIS EARTH TO PROVIDE THAT FOR OTHERS. Any attempt to get that for herself or deviate from that? That was met with STRONG resistance..

Good days and bad days.. Fun times... and down times.. She had 'em all. When she was down she was down.. but WHEN SHE WAS UP? Oh she had a ball...

Don't second guess whether she was 'truly happy' during WHATEVER TIME YOU AND HER SHARED..

Don't ever think for one minute... THAT IF SHE gave you her love, CHECKED UP ON YOU, GAVE ADVICE, LENT MONEY OR JUST HER EAR... that she didn't care.

She had a FANTASTIC way of letting you know she had you in her thoughts and wouldn't let any negative thinking stop her if she wanted to assist.

She had a beauty about her. A wit about her. A charm that was oh so hard to resist.

She could turn the cheek like no other and walk past negativity with a breeze. Staying on task.

Yeah remember her for all of her GOOD please.. THAT'S WHAT I'm gonna do. You wanna help me? Then this is all I ask....

*Cars people. Mind out of the gutter...smh

There's no picture today. Either you know who I am talking about or you don't. It is that simple. I'd like to share another poem that I DIDN'T WRITE THIS TIME... As far as I'm concerned this is the only time the phrase 'Right to Know' should be used in regards to her for me WHEN it pertains to her and I. 

The Right To Know!

You have the right to know,
What I love about you so.
I love how you make me,
Feel the way I feel.
The way you make me safe,
Keep me warm.
The warmth of your skin,
I wish I could feel against me.
The way your lips feel,
How I wish I could taste.
The way your breath feels,
Upon my face.
The way your fingers,
Will run up my arms.
You have the right to know,
How much I miss you so.
I miss it when we can’t talk,
On the phone,
Or if you don’t talk on computer.
I miss your sweet calming voice,
As you get me to relax.
I miss how you make me feel loved,
When we can’t talk at all.
You have the right to know,
To know how I feel,
Don’t you think?
The way I feel,
For you,
Is love. 

Sara To

Read More

Rest In Power Sherman Hemsley...

As I stated on Twitter, between him and Fred Sanford (Redd Foxx), I made up my mind early to be a pretty outspoken person. In addition to playing George Jefferson, Sherman played...wait a minute...Y'all should know all of this. Use Google. He is was an icon. Salute to him.

Read More

Two Biggie tributes. One by Mr. Cee (Hot 97) and one by @MRockGotBeats ..

Original Underground Hip Hop: DJ M-Rock


 DJ M-ROCK - THE BEST OF NOTORIOUS B.I.G.
01. M-Rock’s Intro
02. Ten Crack Commandments
03. Isaac Hayes - Walk on By
04. Warning
05. Respect
06. Supercat - Dolly My Baby
07. Me And My Bitch (Live)
08. Total - Can’t You See
09. Mary J Blige - I’m Going Down
10. The What feat. Method Man
11. Rap Phenomenon feat. Method Man
12. Pudgee Tha Phat Bastard - Think Big
13. Unbelievable
14. Kick In The Door
15. The Points
16. Junior Mafia - Playa’s Anthem
17. Jeru The Damaja - Ya Playin’ Yaself
18. Craig Mack Flava In Ya Ear (Remix)
19. Puff Daddy - Benjamins
20. Junior Mafia - Get Money
21. Gimme The Loot
22. Machine Gun Funk
23. Slick Rick - Ladi Dadi
24. Hypnotize
25. Dreams
26. Mary J Blige - Real Love (Remix)
27. Betty Wright - Clean Up Woman
28. Everyday Struggle
29. Faith Evans feat. Raekwon - Everyday Struggle
30. Real Niggaz Do Real Things
31. Going Back To Cali
32. 2Pac/Dead Prez - California Love/Hip-Hop
33. 2Pac - Garden Freestyle
34. Junior Mafia - Gettin’ Money
35. 2Pac - Hit Em Up
36. Who Shot Ya (Juggle)
37. LL Cool J - I Show Ya
38. Notorious Thugs feat. Bone Thugs N Harmony
39. Dead Wrong feat. Eminem
40. I Got A Story To Tell
41. Juicy
42. Realest Niggas feat. 50 Cent
43. Da Brat - Da B Side
44. 112 - Only You (Remix)
45. Jay-Z & Angela Winbush - I Love The Dough
46. Jay-Z - I Just Wanna Love You
47. The World Is Filled
48. Jay-Z - Brooklyn’s Finest
49. Party & Bullshit (Lord Finesse Remix)
50. Brand Nubian - Punks Jump Up To Get Beat Down
51. Cars + Sex
52. Notorious
53. Schoolly D - P.S.K. (What Does It Mean)
54. B.I.G. (Interlude)
55. Puff Daddy - Been Around The World
56. Mo Money Mo Problems feat. Kelly Price, Mase, Puff Daddy
57. Nasty Girl (Remix) feat. Jagged Edge
58. Puff Daddy feat. Faith Evans & 112 - I’ll Be Missing You
59. D-Train - Keep On
60. Junior Mafia - Crush On You
61. Big Poppa
62. Isley Brothers - Between The Sheets
63. Fuck You Tonight feat. R. Kelly
64. R. Kelly - Be happy
65. Bobby Caldwell – My Flame
66. Sky’s The Limit feat. 112
67. Debarge - Stay With Me
68. One More Chance feat. Faith Evans, Mary J. Blige

Download DJ M-Rock










Video streaming by Ustream

 



 Bonus #1:
Download: Lana Del Rey & The Notorious B.I.G. – Born Ready To Die [Mixtape]
Alt. Download: Lana Del Rey & The Notorious B.I.G. – Born Ready To Die [Mixtape]




Bonus (Courtesy of Rap Radar)



Hour 1: Download
Hour 2: Download
Hour 3: Download
info
Bonus: DJ Envy’s B.I.G. Tribute Mix

Read More