(Words) This first of 'Firsts' X Jane would have been 35 years old today X Happy Birthday

I'm not even gonna sit here and PRETEND that we had 'all out bashes' for her birthday. We didn't. IF she even took off work that day, she would maybe go lay out in the backyard, sleep in a little bit, go to the spa or something like that during the day..

WHAT WE DID DO was have cake made by her sister. If you know me in real life, then you KNOW ALL ABOUT MEL MEL and her 'Ace of Cake' (That's what I have dubbed them) type joints. We would, of course, EAT WHATEVER Jane wanted that day for dinner and IF she felt inclined to eat breakfast, I would COOK whatever she wanted....how she wanted and bring it to her.

Of course when Jane and I were 'younger', we would GO OUT and do what young adults do. Dance and party. She did that with her girls at some point around her birthday as well. That's pretty much it. Probably pretty typical stuff that most folks do on or around their birthday if they celebrate it...


.....now that I've gotten all of that out of the way for you folks who were privy to a sliver of our life and would be saying in the back of your head 'He's acting like they used to do.....XYZ' we can get down to the business of the post. Or rather I can.

I always used to tell her that while today (June 24th) was the day she was 'born' and it was 'her' day, I much rather prefer to spread the love and affection out over the course of the year. That's why I could 'step aside' if she wanted to go out with her friends for 'one night' or could take the 'kids' while she went out and did whatever made her feel special on her day. 'Cause I was going to show it the other 364.... 

That is what I am mourning today. The fact that I can't 'celebrate' another year with her on the face of the Earth for another 364. Of course, during that time, there are days when 'no celebrating' went on as we weren't 'perfect' so don't take the words 'literally' in that sense. Just take them to mean that if I felt like doing something special, I didn't wait until Christmas, Valentine's Day, HER BIRTHDAY to do it. I just did it. Whenever I felt like it. 

I can't do that now. The day is important to me..don't get me wrong.. it is. It is just that it drives home the point that she won't be around the days after.... The days that I liked to take to show her that she was pretty damm special. That's all... 

My kids, who are well...kids... DO RECOGNIZE these days with GREAT REVERENCE so I feel bad for them as they are still in the infantile stages of learning what is like to show someone they love them consistently. They take these days as the pinnacle of that love so for them not to be able to show their mother that love in the physical is no fun. 

This 'first time', even with the words I typed up top, is cumulative in that without THIS DAY, none of the other 'firsts' happen. Understand that I know that without it.... 

No birth, no wedding. 

No birth, no holidays. No kids. No BIRTHDAYS FOR THEM. 

No birth, no 'regular' days that I loved the most. 

So even within my love of the regular days that I shared with her, I will take the time to give this day its just due.* I will reflect, as many of you who knew her will, on different times and memories. 

I guess this is the time where I'm supposed to hit y'all with words 'cherish', 'tell folks you love 'em' and all of those other nice cliches. Something tells me that I won't have to wrap them up in a sentence for those of you reading this time... 

Very thankful that I played 'Paparazzi' Jane,  as you used to call me. Lotta memories captured. Thank you for allowing me to show you what I always 'saw' in you and for accepting it as my way of saying certain things. For accepting me for me. For allowing me to love you for you. We both learned that from each other. Thank you for that. 

Without you, I wouldn't know some other great folks too and together we share a LIFETIME of memories of you. 

Definitely left me with some blessings in regards to the kids. Thank you for helping from the start in raising all of three of them. Lots of sacrifices. You made me promise to make them 'better' than both of us and I will. Thank you for backing me in the creed of being 'their parents' FIRST and maybe....just maybe their friend a little later. That other promise you made me make in regards to the middle child in particular? Done. Actually, all the promises you made me make in regards to each one individually? Done as well. We spoke about letting one 'go' but staying in the wings and that has happened. The other one is RIGHT ON COURSE... I got you Juana. Thank you for giving her to me in the first place. :) Just wish you were here to enjoy her. She's everything we said she was gonna be when she came out of the womb.... 



Happy birthday Jane. Miss you. Love you. 



*And will do so for the other folks I've lost... 

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(Words) "I'm just tired....."

I was watching the Dr. J documentary tonight, GREAT DOCUMENTARY BY THE WAY, and he was speaking on his brother's death....


He got to the hospital just in time to hear him utter those words...


I almost had to cut the TV off. I made it through the first showing of the documentary okay though 'cause I REALLY WANTED TO SEE IT. 

The second showing though.....


As soon as he said it, I had to turn it off. (Luckily, I recorded it...)


Now as a child, I had 'heard' about folks saying that. I even remember my Nan Momma standing up in church, telling her Pastor that it would be her last Sunday in church.....


"I'm tired and I feel like the Lord is ready to take me to be with my husband...I'm ready. So I'd like to thank y'all and tell you that I love you.."- My Nan Mama to her congregation. 

Those three words are something that I got used to 'hearing' over the last 14 years. At FIRST, I thought it was physical fatigue as the person uttering those words worked 2 jobs, PLAYED JUST AS HARD AS SHE WORKED and had a child/raised another one with me. I found out pretty quickly that it wasn't that. 

She was essentially telling me that she was ready to ..... She was prepping for the day that she could no longer......

The look on Julius's face as he recounted the story of his brother....the realization, even after ALL OF THESE YEARS.....that he was being told that. To have to come to grips with that as it BECAME REALITY... I felt his pain. I remember the day that I realized not only what she was saying but that she was serious about this. 

I know that pain. 

I know I'm not alone in knowing that pain but we aren't talking about that now are we? We are here on MY BLOG so yeah.. we are probably gonna talk about how 'EYE' feel. 

That tiredness. No one can seem to understand it. 

I can.... 

...I can also understand how you can feel that way and how it feels to dig DEEP....DEEP....DEEP WITHIN YOURSELF to keep going. Long after ANYONE ELSE WOULD HAVE QUIT. Long after the 'I don't know how you are doing it..' type attitudes would have really permeated things. 

The 'tiredness' doesn't come when you think it normally would. Those 'big days'. Naw.. There is pain on those 'big days' but NOTHING LIKE THE DULLING PAIN THAT DAY TO DAY ACTIVITIES BRING. 

Nothing like the sting of not having THAT someone to talk to while the rain pours down on your house long after the kids have gone to sleep. Not that the conversations were marathon sessions either. Sometimes they were as brief as a head nod, a smile....a gentle brushing away of a wisp of unruly hair. A palm of the head. Or just the simple act of sitting next to that person in silence...enjoying the silence together. 

Not that folks don't 'fill voids' or provide some support. They do. It is just that when the person you have been used to having around when you'get tired' is no longer around........it is tough. You don't wanna lean too hard on anyone else 'cause what if they 'get tired too'? What if they don't 'understand' like they claim they do? Especially when you are mourning the loss of 'that' someone. You can't get 'mad' when they don't get it no more than they can't get mad at you when you can't 'make them get it'. 

This fight.... man this fight.....IT IS A TOUGH FIGHT. So many different angles. So many different things to worry about. 

Sometimes I take solace in knowing that there are other folks have had to sit by helpless to their loved ones plight. Their fate. Knowing it wasn't going to end well and that whatever the circumstances were....that they would have to live with the pain and suffering for the rest of their own natural lives.


I saw that pain that the Angel of Death can bring in Dr.J's eyes. 

It is the same pain I have in mine.... the same one that is in my children's eyes. Good times wash over our faces and they are truly good times. Temporarily covering the pain... 

They mask the 'I'm just tired' in our faces though. Sometimes, I have to put them (the kids) all on my 'back' figuratively and literally.I just don't know if I can trust anyone else enough....

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(Grown Folks Talk) I had to get one of my 'hers' the help that 'She' needed..

Of course, by now, you know the backstory so I'm gonna jump right into it.

"You know that you and the kids are gonna need to talk to someone..." - You

"......." - Me


Reason for the dots? I was there. I kinda know the situation was pretty fucked up seeing as though I am SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF IT. *shrugs* 

I mean it isn't as if we lost our dog. Or our goldfish. Or that our house burnt down. Not that those things wouldn't hurt... 

We lost a mother. A wife. Life partner. Influential woman to young ladies who will become women. Road dawg. Sounding board. Etc..etc...etc... 

So yeah, when I saw that one of my 'hers' needed some 'attention' above and beyond that which I could provide, I got her that 'help'. I mean she was already talking (as they all were) to someone at school but I saw some things that said she needed more. You see, BEFORE HER MOTHER DIED, my health issues kinda got to her. So she began to fear losing me LONG BEFORE her mother passed. She chose other ways to cope. A cut here. A nick there. Always hidden from sight per say. 

Then her mother died......

Yeah.... 

Not. Good....


Sure we saw the band aids but she's a kid so yeah.. Thank God for the parenting rule of 'Take your little sister with you/there shouldn't be anything you are doing that she can't be present for' that is in place. 6 year old did her JOB. What some of you common niggas refer to as 'snitching'. She saved her sister. Proud of her. Sometimes, SOMEONE HAS TO TELL. Ya feel me?

So yeah.. I had to do the SECOND HARDEST THING I EVER HAD TO DO. I had to let my child go get help WITHOUT ME being there. I saw her every day. Sometimes twice after I gave her space to adapt. 

THE LONGEST TWO WEEKS EVER.. Didn't tell many folks. Bad enough that folks are gawking at us anyway. More ammo.. More shit to yap about. So we just handled it. Like the Gs that we are. Yes I said that. My kids and I are Gs out here. Soldiers belly crawling through this. One inch at a time. That's all we know. Is to keep going. They are soldiers just like their Momma was... 

She is 'fine' now. Bubbly Middle Child that I honestly haven't seen in a long time. She never 'stopped talking' so that wasn't the issue. She now takes her moments is all. She has other ways to cope. She grew up a lot in those two weeks. She saw some things I honestly wish she never HAD but I THINK IT WAS GOOD FOR HER. She saw that others are hurting too. She saw what happens when you DON'T GET HELP. When you do ignore the signs. When someone doesn't answer your cries for help. Not that she didn't GET THAT MESSAGE from her Mother's passing. This just showed the middle of the story to her. 

I had to go get one of my 'hers' the help that 'she' didn't get.....I couldn't drop the ball. I couldn't ignore it. Sure, I could have yelled at her about knives and scared the piss outta her. 

She would have just found something else to ease the pain. Another way. Who knows WHAT THAT COULD HAVE TURNED INTO.. We see enough examples of what folks turn to. I don't want her to know who 'Molly' is man. Fuck that. So off I took her.... To get some help.  

No finger pointing btw. Real spit. I wasn't there. @ my 'she'. I didn't live in Brooklyn. In Queens. I only know the transitioning girl child that became a woman... I only know that when I 'got her', she was hurting and that she needed it then but I couldn't 'make' her go. Only suggest. Implore. I do know that she could have used what my lil girl got AS A LITTLE GIRL. I do know that IT WILL BE DONE FOR ANYONE IN MY HOUSEHOLD NOW. That's what I do know.... I'm not of the adage that mental health care is for the weak. Or that 'we don't do that'. I know too many of 'us' that have taken their own lives to believe that foolishness. 

So for those of you concerned that I may not 'do right by them' and get them the help they need, you are too late. 

I've ten steps ahead of you. Trust me. 


My outbursts on Facebook. 

Many of you aren't privy to those honestly so this one might be a little bit confusing. Just follow along anyway though. It is pretty self explanatory.


The 'outbursts' that you see on Facebook usually don't bleed over to here or Twitter 'cause I've decided to concentrate them where the folks who I am talking about WILL SEE THEM. 

Why there? 

'Cause that is where they are pulling their info from. Where they 'see me'. It is the ONLY place they really see me honestly so that is where I choose to address it. For some of you, it is baffling. Probably a bit too much for you. Rest assured that like most things with me, you are only getting 5%. The issues I address there, usually get addressed BY ALL PARTIES INVOLVED fairly quickly and much more civilly than they get presented. No worries. Sometimes, you have to say what you have to say. Feel me? I usually say what I have to say and I'm pretty much DONE with the angst part of the issue when I push send. Much like  I am when I type stuff here. So y'all can stop worrying. 

Oh and if I REALLY WANTED YOU TO KNOW WHO I WAS TALKING ABOUT, I'd include them in the post. I don't for several reasons. I can forgive them. I know some of you can't. So I choose to keep it the way I do. 

Random thought:

I'm not sure what you guys are expecting of Justin Timberlake (or Hov for that matter on that Kendrick Lamar remix) but I fail to see the problem. Both are banging to me. Then again, some of you need the radio to tell you what is hot so yeah...I know for a fact that Jane is somewhere dancing her tail off to this joint.. That was our boy.. @ JT.. Okay... random thought over. 

Now where was I? Oh yeah... I was addressing me addressing folks on Facebook. That goes for here too actually. 

Speaking of that, I am single. :) We are gonna get into that a bit right now...Briefly. Vaguely. I know y'all wanna know. Dammit, you talk about me 'not being ready' all the time so that is how I know... Speaking of which..... 

Everybody is looking for the flyest thing to say... But I just wanna fly away.. with you....- You Know Who... *




Here's what I hear the most...


"I know you aren't ready for a relationship but I just want to know that whenever it is you might be that I need to know that...." 

Holy promissory note Batman!! - ME. 

(Looks into the camera) I don't really have to say much more do I? @ giving details. 

I don't mind bids being put in. I SWEAR I DON'T. 

Do. Not. Do. That. Though. 

Double talking. At its finest. 

Do I feel like I am saying too much about this? Naw.. If you follow me on Instagram, you can kinda see different things..lol Life is a secret but it isn't THAT MUCH of one in that aspect. If you are reading this and you know you probably fall under what I am talking about..... You HAD TO KNOW that this probably would make it here.. This is my outlet. Sorry. 

I'm gonna be REALLY CLEAR ABOUT ONE THING. She doesn't pass away, there is none of this. Period. Y'all probably need to RECOGNIZE THAT. Period. 

It is just a part of Life though. Only I know where I am with that reconciliation process. @ being married, moving like I am still married and if and when I can move on. If I can actually 'love someone' ANYWHERE NEAR THE level that I did with her. Or if I even want to. I knew where my relationship stood, what I was trying to deny that I was being prepped for and all of that good stuff. I would 'explain' that last statement but some of you would just flat out NEVER GET IT. So yeah.... In English, I probably know what I am ready for WAY MORE THAN ANY OF YOU WILL EVER REALLY KNOW. Degree'd up or not.... 

Here is a word of advice from the dude that is going through it to those of you who want a 'shot' though... 

Don't tell me what I'm ready for...

Don't try to make me promise shit. 

She's grown B. Raised you. Remember that.. You are grown. Try and remember that too. Do what you feel..I am. 

Don't expect me to forget her. (Have you seen my middle daughter? Yeah.. Good luck with that one.... lmao.. Nevuary 5th, Ain't Gonna Happen... @ forget..) Shit, have you seen HER as in have you seen JANE? Yeah.. not gonna forget that anytime soon... 

Let me grieve. 

Let me live. I'm not really about that 'answer to folks' life. Sorry. 

Let me do me..

I'm probably gonna keep posting stuff about HER. Long long...LOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG PROCESSSSSSSSSSS...... Nothing you can do about that. If you don't like it, eh... God Bless.... 

Understand if I do choose to spend time with you, you must be doing something right. Don't overthink it... 

The girls. Love 'em. They are first. Second and third. So whatever I do, know already THAT I'VE TAKEN CARE OF THEM. Don't worry about 'having to say you don't come before that.." I KNOW THAT. :) You just make sure YOU REMEMBER THAT? Aight.. 

Time. 

Comprende? 

Yeah..I had to put it in writing. 'Cause...yeah... 

If I DO COME AT YOU OR LET YOU COME AT ME, I'm not chasing. I don't have time for one and for two.. yeah... that's not my style.. Never has been. We can chase each other but that other shit? Naw... 

Is that what you came here for? @ what I just typed out. A lot of you follow the blog at this point so I'm pretty sure your eyes are BULGING out of your heads right now. Oh you thought the blunt honesty was an 'act' huh? Nope. This is me. *shrugs* 

Enjoy that. I probably won't do THAT too often. Today though, I felt like it. So there it is. Besides, I have so many folks 'coming at me' that me saying that is PRETTY MUCH NECESSARY. No braggo. It is just the facts. I'm human folks. Sorry. 

To the Aunties. Bear and Brooklyn. Thank y'all. The objectivity that most claimed NEITHER ONE OF YOU HAD but I always thought you did is VERY CLEAR AND EVIDENT. Thank you for that. Truly. :) This is why I don't listen to what folks have to say about other people and I take the time to find out myself. 

My other two children:

My oldest has taken the personal note that my wife to her to HEART. She is flourishing right in front of me. So proud of her. 

My youngest is expressing herself DAILY. She is a LOT LIKE ME. She has her own 'blog' in the form of a notebook and she writes two to three stories a day about how she feels. Never the same thing twice. She is dealing with it in her own way.. She 'bout broke your boy's heart the other day though...


"Our family had five people in it and now we are minus one. We have four people now... I wish I didn't know how to subtract now..." - The Six Year Old....


I. Almost. Lost. It. It took everything in me to get her to school and drop her off without crying. 

After I dropped her off....

Yeah... She was so accepting of it and that is what kinda hurt me the most. 

The fact that she has to be. That it is just the truth of the matter. I think she is fine by the way. She's cried. She's drawn sad pictures. I just see so much of ME IN HER that it is scary. @ accepting and dealing. 

It is just a tough deal to watch my little angel deal with it. 

108/78.... @ my blood pressure (Umm..my top number was on that 150 ish this time last year so yeah.. bottom number was hovering around 99ish and above..) . Don't know HOW THAT IS HAPPENING OTHER THAN TO THANK GOD and to keep on exercising and letting things out in places like this blog here. So feelings hurt or not, I let them out. Sometimes, I push publish, sometimes I don't.. 

R.I.P. to my Daddy's good friend Nathaniel Simmons. Fellow Armed Forces man. One of my mentors as well. Definitely all man. All the time. My heart goes out to my boy Scottie Simmons. He is THE ONLY ONE LEFT IN HIS IMMEDIATE FAMILY. Momma gone too soon almost 20 years ago. Brother died not too long after.. Now his Daddy is gone. Strong brother though. My prayers are with you my dude! Truly. I'll play the background and if you need me, get at me. 

This is SO HARD Y'ALL. I usually don't end on that note but...It is. Super hard. Wouldn't wish it on anyone. Even with the move, there are things that can't be changed. Erased. That is going well btw. Love the home. Kids love the home. It is ours. Which feels good. 

It. Is. Bittersweet. Though. She should be here. Decorating this joint with me. Hanging pictures with me. Enjoying my 'big room' with me. Working in the corner. Enough space for both us.... Ugh.... I'm probably officially 'mad at her' for this in some ways. Still doesn't mean that I'm gonna tolerate or wanna hear that you are though. All that 'that is selfish' talk will still get you the 'look' from me. We all know it was. We all ALSO KNOW WHY and you can't gloss over that. Or you shouldn't. Tread lightly.... @ talking that way around me. 

Aight...the youngest needs to be awaken or I will be here typing all day. 

*Justin Timberlake.. Spaceship Coupe...

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(Words) I haven't 'stopped' writing about her, I've just stopped pushing 'Publish Post' on it for a minute...

I know a lot of you are here because of that now. More thoughts coming. Just haven't published some for lots of reasons.

A. Pretty raw.

B. Pretty busy.

C. Pretty emotional.

D. Some are too private and I probably will NEVER publish but I needed to write down.

E. I don't want to 'wear it out' although I know this is MY process and my situation so I can do what I want to do.

F. I wanted to bring some sense of the 'new' normal to the blog and post up some 'nice' things. Music, candy, whatever. Didn't want it all to be 'sad'. Even though I am DEFINITELY still in the process of dealing with all of this.

Now I know some of you follow me on other mediums, Instagram, Facebook, etc and have seen my lil feeble attempts to 'live'. *chuckles* I'm trying. End of the day though, I am still dealing with this. When everyone is gone, when the tv is off and the kids are in the bed, it is just me.


....and my thoughts. Out of that time has come some of the writings that I have either shared, alluded to up top or that will be vaulted away. The night's activities fall to the wayside at that point and the 'dreamlike euphoria' that is my situation hits me.

I pray for the day that doesn't happen, as often. Note I didn't say I pray for the day it doesn't happen ever. For a lot of reasons. Some you may understand. Some I hope you NEVER UNDERSTAND 'cause that means that you will know the pain I feel PERSONALLY. I want to wake up from this dream but I know I'm already awake.

........It's not a dream. It's my Life now.

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(Words) Ummm.. yes it really CAN BE.... THAT DAMM BAD...

Language...language...LANGUAGE.. I tried but I'm writing from a raw place with no 'go back and smooth things over'. Sorry.


I''m writing to you from a place of vulnerability RIGHT NOW.

Words blurred up on the screen from the pain I feel..

Sitting on the same couch...looking at the same back door....thinking pretty much the same thoughts she did..

Well, maybe the SAME THOUGHTS haven't led me here..or maybe they have..

I would elaborate but despite popular belief (and these series of writings), I still do hold some things VERY CLOSE TO MY VEST.

There's a LOT I could be talking about. Hi Momma, I know you are worried I'm saying too much.

I've told about 5%. It's all good Momma. Trust me.*

I mean, the ONE PERSON that I would ask, consult, feel confident enough to know they know me...

Is gone...

I have tons of friends... phone numbers and such.

Shit, I could get on Twitter, Facebook, whatever RIGHT NOW and reach out and touch.

Not the same.

Not the same.

At least not yet.

Yeah, it CAN BE THAT BAD. I mean I hear y'all talking that shit about 'It can't be that bad.."

Yet you've never been in that moment........Talking out of your ass. Like you normally do.

I know, it is acceptable to talk outta your ass when in a group. Let me enlighten you though...



I'm IN THAT MOMENT. NOT MY FIRST TIME HERE.

IT CAN BE THAT BAD. It might be THAT BAD AGAIN.

Shit, it might be THAT BAD FOR AWHILE. *shrugs*

I'm not the only one it is 'That bad' for.

Throw your names out there. Stand up on your horses. Throw around the word selfish and all of those spiteful things you can conjure up.

When you 'get here' though, DON'T FORGET TO MAN (ovary) THE FUCK UP...-_-

"Cause it can't be 'that bad', right? RIGHT? Oh...

It can be that bad. I'm here to tell you. I'm writing from that moment.

Some of you are gonna read this as a forward and say to yourself "It can't be THAT BAD' anyway. So let me fill you in.

I LOST MY FUCKING WIFE AND I GOT THREE KIDS. THREE LITTLE GIRLS.. That I have to raise by myself now...

You SURE IT CAN'T BE THAT BAD FAM??

Let me lay that in your lap and see how you handle that.

Read that again. Let it sink in.

Oh, trust me homie....IT CAN BE THAT BAD. I'm here to tell you.

Could it be worse? Absolutely. But we are down here in the 1% fam. Sorry. Your hypothetical attempt to 'cheer one up' is pretty null and void at this point.

It's a pretty BIG FUCKING DEAL in case you don't know. Ditto to anything ANYONE ELSE HAS LOST, had not go their way, etc that is a BIG DEAL TO THEM.

Talk about 'selfish acts'. @ standing in judgement over what is important to someone based on HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT SOMETHING/SOMEONE.

Yeah you. I'm talking to you. Whether you are Joe Plumber or rap superstar. You. I know you meant well..

...That's. Not. What. One. Who. Is. Going. Through. That. Wants. Or. Needs. To. Hear.

I'mma let the words cry for me and in the morning I'm gonna put my head up and KEEP MOVING FORWARD.

BUT I WOULD NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER...

EVER EVER EVER....

Tell someone it 'It can't be that bad.."

Even if I didn't know what it felt like. Too many people have died behind it for there not to be some validity to things.


I know the feeling.

It can be. Just. That'. Bad. (It's a theme. Maybe you will get it by the end..)

Sorry for you folks who are living that 'Sun shiny..I'm good.' life if you can't understand.

Shit I HOPE YOU NEVER HAVE TO UNDERSTAND.

I wouldn't wish this on someone I hate. That's how bad this shit.

You not understanding doesn't give you the right to tell anyone it 'isn't that bad' though. FOH.

That is, if you saying so from a place of help. Afterall, if you aren't trying 'to help', you are in the way and well...

...if you are in the way... fuck you. Straight like that. Moving right along though...



You don't have to TELL ME WHO I HAVE TO LIVE FOR EITHER. How do you think I'M STILL HERE?

Yeah.. I already know that.. They can't lose me to this. Duh.... Why do you think I am writing this out? Why do you think I am using EVERY AVAILABLE RESOURCE THAT MY PRIDE AND DIGNITY WOULD NORMALLY NOT ALLOW ME TO USE? You think I'm doing this for fun? For show?

No. I know I have to let it and do SOMETHING or......yeah....

Can't have it both way though. Telling me to 'let it out' but having me over thinking if I let it out, I will have your judgement to 'fear'.

I'm in mourning but I ain't dead...I refuse to live in that kinda fear. None of you have a blueprint so you will deal. (Hi Arrogant)..

Yeah, my sense of humor is still intact. As I type each word, the words on the screen are starting to become less blurry.

See, it was good for both of us.

My words have less fury.

Less angst...but are still wrought with emotion.

I just wanted to NOT SO GENTLY REMIND SOME OF YOU STANDING IN JUDGMENT OVER THERE...


It can be that bad. Trust me. *looks back five minutes ago from when I wrote this*

It was JUST THAT BAD.

It is about 3:21 in the morning. I'm up by myself.

She was up about this time.

It got that bad. I was in the other room...

But if she felt ANYWHERE CLOSE TO HOW I FEEL NOW THAT SHE IS GONE..

She must have felt ALL BY HERSELF..

Fuck..I'm mad I know that feeling but at the same time I'm happy that I can reconcile it in my mind.

It helps me when I slip into judgmental mode. Well that along with knowing what she was going through..

Knowing what was going through her mind.




The whole song fits what I'm saying but 1:37 or so REALLY SUMS up the post I am making here....






Oh and while I'm up here let me dispel a lil myth that y'all got going out here.

We CAN know what is going on in folks minds. We just have to stop being so dismissive about what we hear.

We are too busy out here telling folks what they DON'T MEAN. When the shit is RIGHT THERE.

Or listening to them backtrack when the do let it out and we give that judgmental side eye.

I think I covered that in a piece before. She NEVER WANTED to give anyone the satisfaction of giving her that sideye 'cause ....well....lets face face it. Some of you aren't shit and would have taken advantage of it.

I'm a little different in that way. You can know I'm going through a tough time but I will lash out. Quickly. Swiftly. Sharply.

Anyway, I don't believe we can't know as long as someone is telling us. Some of us just have to listen a little harder. That's all. Either that or stop feigning like you really give a shit one. Your choice.

Yeah....that was harsh. It is the truth though. I've had some of you say you wish you would have known.

Like I didn't all but tell you.

Like you didn't 'blame me' for some of her shit.

-_-

Stop it.


Told you I'd lash it. Try me.

So what SHOULD YOU SAY to someone THAT IS CLEARLY HAVING A BAD TIME now that you kinda know it REALLY IS THAT BAD?

"It is that bad but I'm here to help..If you will allow me...when you are ready..  "

See how simple that was. That's really all you can do honestly. If....you can do that and get through. That's just the reality of the situation.


Yeah....you shoulda thought of that. See, if you say 'it isn't that bad' to someone who is IN THAT MOMENT... RIGHT AT THE TIME THAT YOU ARE TELLING THEM THAT IT ISN'T THAT BAD... you will probably 'lose' them. Again, that is if they aren't that far gone in the first place. Lets just say, it won't help things.. Shall we?

Make sense now? It doesn't? Oh okay... well do yourself and the person in distress a favor. Just don't say anything. "Cause you are probably gonna make it worse. There's a REASON I didn't pick up the phone and call some of you. There's a REASON she didn't either... @ before she got to the point where none of us could have said anything. She knew.


She didn't have time for that shit. I can't blame her. I don't either truthfully. Sorry.

Over time, I had to learn that phrase was more harmful than helpful. It was that bad to HER. Didn't matter if it wasn't that 'bad to me'. It wasn't ABOUT ME. It was about HER.

In the end, I still lost her I know... I do know of the times that approach helped. Like I said before, I knew she was 'fighting' when a lot of you had no clue. She was 'fighting' for a long time. Even before I met her. Definitely while got to know her and DEFINITELY while I had her.

So you see...I just told you it can be 'that bad'....  While in the moment. Don't ask me how I have the clarity to do this either. It is how I AM BUILT. I don't expect anyone else to have that clarity.

Just take the words that are coming out of the clarity please.

That's all.

It can be that bad. At this VERY MOMENT, it is that bad. You see how I slipped, just that quickly, into talking about her. About what it felt like for her. In her moment. I can FEEL THAT. I have to DEAL AND RECONCILE with that. Being 14 feet away.

Sleeping. Wishing I had woke up SOONER.

Coulda. Shoulda. Woulda. All over.

Woke up to a bad dream that I did WAKE UP SOONER. Only still not soon enough.

Yeah, the kids aren't the only ones who have 'em.




Tomorrow (later on today) though... you will hear from me.

Maybe some of you need to ACTUALLY HEAR FROM SOMEONE ELSE WHO IS STRUGGLING WHILE THEY ARE STRUGGLING TO UNDERSTAND THAT SHIT DOES REALLY STINK.. @ UNDERSTAND.

Maybe next time, you'll temper your comments

Maybe next time, you will actually help instead of hinder.

Maybe next time, you won't have to say...


Maybe next time...Damm, it was that bad. (Insert their name here) is gone.. I wonder what I could have done.... 


*My mother, while not Internet savvy AT ALL, has some Internet savvy peers and family. She reads the posts. I know some of you would be mortified if your parents saw the shit you put up. I"m not 12 though. I don't care. Truly. I've been outta her pocket for going on three decades. It will be aight.
Aka...I'm Not You.


Later on today, my friend will be releasing a video. It will be ABOVE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE POST.  as well as probably have it's own post. It's relevance to the subject will BE THAT OBVIOUS. @ tie in to the post. I don't know when he is going to release it but when he does, I will RT the link.

He just released it.

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