(Words) Two days a Week..... The hour... It just might be working....

Two days a week, I take my middle child to have a little 'time' with someone. I sign her in.... the lady comes out and asks us how things are and off she goes.


Don't think I haven't NOT CRIED one time.

She shouldn't have to do this but yet SHE SHOULDN'T NOT HAVE THE RESOURCES OR THE PARENT WHO WILL MAKE SURE SHE DOES.

That look on her face. I hate it. It is almost as if to say. "Ummm... I'm doing good and yet you bring me here to REMIND me of what I am trying to forget..."

My dearest Middle child,

All I can say is simply this. You need the time. You will thank me later. 


*turns back to the camera* 

For that hour that she is there, it takes ME BACK TO NOVEMBER 19TH, 2012. Every time. 

Sometimes, I remember November 17th, 2012 and I can at least start out smiling. That was a dope day. In hindsight, I can see CLEARLY how she MADE SURE IT WAS A DOPE DAY. @ her actions. For everyone. 

Even with that memory, I'm always taken back to waking at 7:50 am. That 'empty' feeling. She wasn't in the bed. I still have that bed. I can't bring myself to get rid of it. Probably gonna be a bone of contention one day 'if' I ever let anybody get THAT CLOSE again. Might be a deal breaker. *shrugs* Fuck it, my heart is already broke anyway so.... I can still see her laying there. Clearly. Vividly. 

Funny thing is I don't hold any resentment towards guns or folks who have them. Hell, it was mine after all that..... So movies with them when they are NOT used for that purpose don't bother me. 

I will say that anything remotely close to the subject of depression or suicide resonates with me in a way that I can't ever see shaking. No matter how many couches I sit on... how many blog posts I write. I've had more talks with more folks who have revealed that they too suffer that I've lost count. 

I FELT FOR EVERY LAST ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. I truly have. I haven't grown 'tired' of hearing about it. I know they are merely expressing themselves in a way that for the vast majority of them, they could NEVER DO 'cause they felt no around them would EVEN GET IT. 

I get it. 

I wish she would have known that others would have gotten it too... 'Cause she didn't know that. Just like with the loss of her parents.. the WAY she lost her parents... she felt so alone. 

How do I know that she felt alone? I gotta be guessing on that one right? No.

I heard her say it. All I could do was hold her. Or leave her to her thoughts sometimes early on when I didn't know what to do myself. After awhile, it came to the point that she didn't have to say it. She would just look at me and I would know. 

Those looks. That hour... For that hour my little girl is in there, I see tons of folks. Hear tons of arguing with people coming in. I've seen folks bringing their kids in and pretty much saying 'This is bullshit.. There's nothing wrong with you..I'm only doing this because I was mandated to do it.." 

I've seen adults told the same thing. I've seen the products of other broken up homes where the grandmother is taking her 'scantily clad' granddaughter to therapy and listened to her pray in the corner for SOMEONE TO HELP HER 'CAUSE SHE CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITH HER. I don't know her 'story' but I know enough to know her parents are gone she is all she has. (Older folks don't whisper on the phone and my bluetooth was shot so.. yeah... I heard it.) 

My poor little girls..all of them.... I put up a video of her singing a song earlier today on Mobli.. It was just last year. That innocence I saw in her face is GONE. This has taken that away from her. 

All I can think about is how someone stole that innocence away from my wife... For that whole hour... for those two days... 

Now for some of you it 'makes no sense as to why I am 'dwelling' on things. I mean after all I know you know it has been a short time period but for the vast majority of you there hasn't been an event this tragic. So 'getting over things' and moving on is...well... quite simple. So this might seem like dwelling to you. Let me clear it up for you.

It isn't. 

See, I just got to this point. I've had quite a few other things that needed my immediate attention SO I KINDA HAD TO SKIP OVER THIS PART OF IT. Not only that, it is happening TO ME. So even if I 'deal with it', I might have to 'come back to it' @ whatever 'part of this situation I'm in'. So I am sorry if I am not 'where you want me to be' or that if you dealt with this part of it already. 

I'm not through with dealing with it. 


I'm gonna address something else here. It is the way I do things so if you don't 'get it' or it isn't clear enough for you to 'understand' then it must not be for you to 'understand'. It is really that simple. 

The truth. I deal in it. Every day. You are going to have to learn to accept that about me. I've learned to tell the truth even when I honestly probably should be 'lying'. That's how real with it I'm coming. 

Don't ask me questions you don't want answers to or that you already know the answers to. 

If I tell you I am feeling a certain way, believe it. 

If I answer your question, don't act like I didn't and try to 'read into the answer'. I am pretty succinct and definitely crystal clear. 

If you offer up help in ANY CAPACITY and I even LISTEN to what you have to say, consider yourself lucky. I don't even entertain 'help' offers from folks I either don't think can help or offers about things that I think won't help. Period. Speaking of that..

I can't stress this enough. I hear ALL OF Y'ALLS SUGGESTIONS. 

There are only 24 hours in a day. Regular things have to happen too in addition to the things that are 'needed' to supplement things due to the situation. Everyone has a routine and their allotted time. Can't really deviate from that...  

In English, I can't do all OF THE SHIT SOME OF YOU ARE SUGGESTING. Period. It isn't that they aren't 'good suggestions'. They are. Some of them just can't happen right now and ANYTHING that involves them, I'M GONNA BE DIRECTLY INVOLVED. So 'coming to get them to take them' without me first SEEING, WATCHING, HEARING...ETC... is not going to happen. No matter who you are. 

So.... That's about as nice as I can say it. Sorry.....


Oldest one is playing soccer. She played GREAT THE OTHER DAY!! Never played soccer in her LIFE outside of in the yard. She played stopper and striker. She didn't allow advancement on her side and SHE GOT AN ASSIST!!! She has a game today and you KNOW WE WILL BE IN THE RAIN SCREAMING FOR HER! 

Youngest one has all MPs on her report card! She is officially going to the 1st grade no MATTER what she does in the last marking period. (Not like she is gonna fall off. I won't let her! lol) 

...this just in at 2:41 pm 4/12/13... the middle one just handed me her report card. 

She has a 3.84...All honors classes..

..she is GEEKED. 

So is her Father. :) Mood changer!!!! She just told me she thinks therapy is helping her even more.. (She had a 3.6 last marking period.) 

THE. BEST. NEWS. EVER... 

Gotta roll. See what I can go do special for this little girl. 

It is even sweeter 'cause SHE IS HAPPY. I didn't mandate some crazy gpa. Just at least a 3.0. The girl almost got a 4. Had she not switched schools and got there late, she would have had a 4.0. 

She just spoke of getting it but not in an unhealthy way. She is super excited about her 3.8.

I'm gonna LET HER BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not my Father. I'm not Melissa's Father. I am ME. My own Father always told me..

"Be a better Father than me..." and he was a GREAT DAD..Not perfect but that is what made him great. He knew it. He acknowledged it. We moved on and all was right before he left me here on Earth.. I'm trying..

And my little girl JUST MADE ME PROUD. 

This was JUST THE THING I NEEDED TO HEAR. I'm gonna think about this TOO when those two days come up. When that hour ends.. 

This is how I want it to be always so OFF TO THAT HOUR we will go... 

I'm out. 

Read More

(Recipe) *Sighs* By popular demand: The Grits Casserole Recipe

 


Pretty sure if you follow my Instagram, Twitter or Facebook, you've seen me 'cooking'. I mean, you don't get to be a 'big strong man' by waiting for someone else to 'cook for you' so yes, I CAN COOK. Well, might I add. Anyway, here is a recipe that some of you have been clamoring for....WELL.... FOREVER. I'm going to give it out. I suggest you screenshot it or something. It might go 'poof' on you. lol 

I made one THIS MORNING. Yes it was good. I think it is the only thing I ate today as a matter of fact. It is that filling. Even if you 'don't like grits', you should 'try it out'. I've converted MANY A PERSON who doesn't like them with this one recipe alone. **

I've 'threatened' to put this recipe up before to the dismay of some and to the PURE DELIGHT OF MANY. Well today I am going to put it up. Whether it stays UP is another story but I am willing to put it out there due to the INCREASED requests for emails and such. I'm even going to give loose instructions. (My suggestion to you is TO HONESTLY use your own methods after you fool with it a couple of times. Some of you may find your OWN VARIATION of the recipe like I did.) 


So without further adieu, here we go....Some of you are about to get TWO LESSONS. The first being the casserole but the SECOND BEING HOW TO MAKE GRITS PERIOD. Here's what you will need: 



One whole onion

A bag of celery (You may or may not use all of it. That is YOUR CALL..I do.) 

One whole green pepper (Again, size varies depending on how much you like green peppers. I prefer a large green pepper myself so..) 

Now I happen to use spinach and garlic too as I like them. You don't HAVE TO. The base veggies are good ALONE. I try to add some other 'value' to the dish. Plus, I like both of them so there's that. If you DO DECIDE to add these two into the mix, add them LAST after you've cooked down the first three. Both of these take NO TIME TO COOK SO YOU WILL BURN THEM OTHERWISE AND WHILE I LIKE MY CELERY, ONIONS AND PEPPERS 'CHARRED', my spinach and garlic I don't. Also, chop the spinach a bit. That way it will distribute evenly. Leaving it whole will work but you will find it BIG CLUMPS instead of bits like the rest of the things you are adding to the dish. 


Cream of Chicken Soup (The low cal/sodium version works GREAT WITH THIS RECIPE due to the many other ingredients. I've used both) 


Shredded Cheese (Chedder, Cheddar Jack, Mexican blend... all work. A combo all work.. again, depending on what you actually LIKE.. ) 


2 CUPS OF GRITS. (Meaning, you need to boil 6 CUPS OF WATER....add the grits and CHECK THE GRITS for those of you who are challenged in the art of making grits. You should be able to take your spoon and DRAG* it through the grits and they bounce RIGHT BACK into the place you just removed your spoon from. If it is 'soup', they aren't stiff enough. Keep COOKING THEM. Do NOT COOK THEM TO THE POINT THAT YOU CANNOT DRAG YOUR SPOON THROUGH THEM. Going to be kinda hard to mix things with them WHEN THEY ARE THAT STIFF. Even with CHEESE, YOU SHOULD ABLE TO GET YOUR GRITS TO THIS CONSISTENCY. Matter of fact, the cheese will MAKE IT CREAMY if you do it right. In the event that you can't get them EXACTLY right, remember that it will be baked so 'SOME' of the water may be absorbed UP. You should be okay. Just try to get it as CLOSE to that consistency that I described. 

A BAKING PAN. It doesn't have to be SUPER DEEP but I would suggest using a deep one. That way, when you spoon it out, there is a nice serving given. 



*Drag = stir for the most part. I used that term because you can 'stir' soupy grits too but it takes more of an effort when you have to 'drag' the spoon through. 

Cook two cups worth of grits. You can make them cheese grits of you want but do not make them too thick or too watery.  You will be combining them with other stuff so do not make them too stiff.

Take one whole onion, about 7-8 stalks of celery and Green pepper,  chop them up and sauté them in a pan.  I suggest using Pam or Olive Oil honestly. It just works better and is lighter. Besides, 

What you see here is where I was combining grits with sausage and grits. I was making two at a time.  Veggie pan for the second one is to the left. 

You can add whatever veggie you like btw.  I add spinach and garlic personally. I'd experiment with different veggies and see what you come up with. 

Cook one roll of sausage in a separate pan.  Drain and let it sit. As with the veggies, you can use OTHER TYPES OF MEAT. Turkey ground (I've done this with great success) w/some sage and a light salt, hamburger, etc, etc.. I have even done a seafood one (shrimp..even though I couldn't really eat as I am allergic..crab..salmon, etc, etc) 

Add cooked veggies with the sausage. 

Take out your baking pan and add your sausage and veggies first then combine the grits in. 

You will need a can of cream of chicken. Spoon it out and spread it evenly over your mixture of grits, sausage and veggies. 

Shredded cheese as well for the top of the casserole. Again, spread evenly... Make sure you get the corners. 

I bake mine at about 375 or so. Give it about 45 mins under foil then another 10 MINS without it or until the top crusts up.  It is better the next day but you probably won't be able to wait so long so let it set for about 20 mins. 

Enjoy and DON'T TELL MY MOMMA I GAVE THIS OUT. She will have my head.... "Hi Momma!" 

** I have to add that I don't think some of you have had grits in the proper setting, i.e. Bob Evans or some dive that has them 'pre made' and sitting out. Naw B. You need to go to someone's HOUSE and have them make them before you declare you don't 'like them'. lol The vast majority of you haven't had them made properly enough to even utter the words, "I don't like them". You truly haven't 'had them'. 

Read More

(Words) Reconciling, moving forward. Never forgetting....

I always assume that those who have passed on to the 'other side' have this sort of 'view finder' that allows them to either see the future, see the past or both. I am also a firm believer that those same folks probably get some sort of leeway in having a hand in things. That said, I know that if my now deceased wife has ANY SAY where she is at, the things that have transpired since her death, while not a DIRECT result of her, were influenced by whatever say she may have.

I'm going to be pretty vague, at least in my opinion, about the 'details' of some of those things. Others, I just won't flat out discuss. Either way, what I"m about to write is yet another chapter in my life after the death of my spouse. I know some of you have been praying every day and I thank you for that. Truly. We need it. Still need it. Still more trying days ahead. Every day is a hurdle and sometimes we graze the hurdle. Other times we run through it. There are days when we straight CLEAR THE HURDLE with perfect form. Those days are few and far between though. We are healing though.

I found a letter from her that she left with her wedding dress. Didn't find it until the other week. No, I'm not publishing the letter. What I can tell you is that it spelled out everything that I've been trying to tell folks from day one of this tragedy. I feel vindicated in a major way. That weight lifted off of my shoulders was huge. I mean, I WAS THERE but when you are one of the few that were and the MAIN PERSON is no longer here to give validity or credence to your version of the events, it is hard. Those who 'weren't there' have a hard time grasping. That note clears all of that up though. I read it to those who needed to see it. Children were addressed in it. They got their 'closure' in that sense. It was already closed for me in that sense so I am glad that they got that.

I have often been told by many that my children are going to need 'help' dealing with the situation. I'd like to take the time to reassure folks that I am DOING THAT. Not 'gonna' do. Not fixing to do. Doing. I would also like to point out that I KNOW THEY NEED IT. Melissa didn't get that. I'm of the belief that had she gotten it, she would still be here. I HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT. It is WHAT HELPS ME GET MY KIDS HELP AS THEY FACE THE SAME MOTHERLESS LIFE THAT SHE HAD TO WALK THROUGH. I've seen the movie. I'm NOT trying to have my kids star in the trilogy. Nope. So yes, steps have been taken. Steps will CONTINUE TO BE TAKEN. I'm going to take a few of those 'steps' myself.

Her death, for those of you who don't know, happen IN OUR RESIDENCE. We've stayed in our home because well........IT IS OUR HOME. Nothing diminished that. It was a SOOTHING thing believe it or not for us. It took time for my kids to see that but they got that out of that. Anytime they wanted to say 'Hey Mommy', they could stand RIGHT WHERE SHE DREW HER LAST BREATH and say that. We are going to miss that. I thought I was going to feel like I was 'leaving her behind' when I walked out of that house with our belongings. I thought I was tearing down a foundation.

I wasn't. I was merely moving the foundation to a sturdier place. I've NEVER FELT MORE SURE ABOUT SOMETHING BEING THE RIGHT THING IN MY LIFE. I've also never felt so sure about HOW I WENT AND TOOK MY TIME AND MADE IT HAPPEN ON MY TIME PERIOD. Not on everyone else's. Not when my Momma thought I should do it. Not when my friends thought I should do it. Strangers. Counselors. Doctors.

When I wanted to. When I was ready. When I could reconcile with the decision and take her clothes and belongings that I didn't want everyone privy to and dispose of. When I could stand there in that spot where she took her breath, take the spiritual presence and 'carrying it to the new place' with me.

When I FELT LIKE I WASN'T LEAVING HER.

She is HERE. At this new place with me. I can FEEL HER. I can feel her putting people in my Life to take the place of the things she has done. I can feel her giving those folks the power and permission to do what she would have done for me. Make no mistake about it either. Folks have commended me for 'all I did for her' but she did PLENTY FOR ME. Things that you can't put a monetary value on. She has given those tasks to several people and I am accepting of those folks giving it to me. I'M STILL SINGLE btw. I HAVE TO SAY that 'cause folks get to 'wondering'.. When I'm not, you will be the 'second' to know. :) I have a LOT OF WONDERFUL FRIENDS that are helping me out though and believe or not, they are not all FEMALE and if they are, they aren't 'like that'. Yeesh. @ the speculation. lol (I'm smiling as I type this. That means YOU SHOULD BE SMILING TOO AS YOU READ IT. I'm not mad.. I hate that I have to type that out but tone is hard to convey when you AREN'T MAD in text so....Here we are..)


I prayed for signs that accepting help was okay and she answered EACH AND EVERY ONE with the cue I was looking for. Be specific when you pray people. That's all I can say. I should say God provided that by the way. I know that. I also know that right now HE KNOWS I am in a way that I have to see it coming from her in order to heal. I know he is ULTIMATELY behind all though. Trust me. That said, I have 'human' feelings that I have to reconcile with that make me struggle with accepting help. I"m working on! I'm also working to be even MORE EFFICIENT than I was before in my time and such. Again, if you don't have kids, you probably don't know how much time you truly waste..lol I have them and thought I was being pretty efficient and I was. I'm even MORE SO now though.

My Father is here with me too. He groomed me to be a man but he knew that the 'traditional sense of it' alone would NOT CUT IT. So he showed me who a 'man' acts and that it wasn't all about this macho bs that we are bombarded with. A man takes care of his children. He takes care of his HOUSE no matter WHAT HE HAS TO DO. If it is cleaning, he does that. If it is cooking, HE DOES THAT. He doesn't 'wait for his woman' to do it or 'do it out of spite to undermine his woman' in that way. He does it out of love and respect. He doesn't 'hold his woman back'. He lets her flourish. He also knows how to FLOURISH ON HIS OWN TOO. Never forgot that. This is was ALWAYS MY SHIP. She told me that and HE SHOWED ME HOW TO DRIVE IT SOLO IF I NEEDED TO DO SO. All I have to do is fall back on the teachings he gave me.

I have.

Today, I will continue to 'pass down' my Father's (and my Mother's..can't forget her. She helped me too but she is still here so maybe that's why I don't mention her as much.) teachings through one of my kids. He is my 'son'. Biologically? Naw. Spiritually and naturally though? Yes. I've raised him since he was 3 months old. My wife ADORED HIM. Used to love taking him EVERYWHERE WE WENT. He was like our accounting practice set for those of you who took accounting only he was LIVE AND IN THE FLESH. Some 18 years later, he is about to graduate. If you follow me on Instagram, you saw me post about his last game at St. Marks. I'm not here to judge his Dad so this is the ONLY MENTION I WILL MAKE OF HIM. I just knew that boy needed a Father. I knew my 'life lessons' wouldn't be wasted because I had someone I could pass them onto to. He has not disappointed me. He is a fine young man. Gonna make someone a nice addition to whatever family has him. Basketball family. Spiritual/friendship family. A FAMILY family.. if you know what I mean. Doesn't matter.  I'm not the only one thankfully who saw that he needed a Father so he has SEVERAL OF THOSE FIGURES IN HIS LIFE. I'm here to finish off that job for him. Home stretch for the kid and despite my situation, I'm STILL HERE FOR THAT BOY. Just like Melissa Jane would have wanted. Just like I WANT TO be.

You see, some of you go to the building they cal 'Church' (Feel free to insert the name of whatever your religion calls it here)  and there is NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. I have always done my work among the people. This is no exception. I just hope that I'm around long enough to see him, his first cousin by BLOOD who is my oldest daughter and my other daughters live out and do the things that Life brings for them for a good length of time.

One step and a time y'all. Sometimes I still stand still when I can't take that step. Always head forward though.

We are working with it. Playing the hand that we were dealt.

'Till next time.

Carolinaware.

Read More

(Grown Folks Talk) It's been a month already X Blackout on Blog lifted aka the Women Are Back

The song says it all... 

Yesterday made it a month since you've been gone. I probably won't do it like THIS every month but I'm also sure I won't stop counting 'em for a good minute. Huge hole still here. Things are rounding themselves into shape, like I knew they would BUT that doesn't make it any easier to do or deal with. The 'baby's' birthday went well....

....Wait, why I am telling you these things like you don't have your hand in 'em? I guess to make myself feel better. *chuckles*. Anyway, there is so much that I want to write here but I won't. I know you know this is my outlet but you also know I've already reverted back to circling in the wagons. I hope to give a good mix of both here in the future. Giving pertinent information to continue to help others who have had to deal with this and the peace of mind that I haven't shared EVERYTHING and maintain some sort of privacy within my own standards. So far, so good. I don't feel like I've given a WHOLE lot. Just standard stuff. That said.. more 'standard' sharing coming in the next paragraph as I want folks to know it is 'okay' to do or not do certain things in their own time.


Your clothes are still intact. Sans your white dress shirt that the oldest always wears to her concerts for violin. I know you were sitting there smiling as the child played her heart out last night. I can't bring myself to even begin to try to 'move' them and as a result they occupy the same space they did when you left. Your car however, had to go. Matter of fact, they both did. Too much memory. Too much sweat equity. Hair everywhere. Cars seem to want to steer in directions that I'm just not ready to go yet and your car in particular PERMEATED of you. As it should 'cause...well... it is YOUR CAR. So yeah, I had to tear that band aid off and get rid of them both. As usual, you kept your promise that I would one day again do something in regards this situation. Thank you baby. Again. No hesitation on it either other than I wish you were once again hear to enjoy that with me. I mean I know you are 'here' with me but I can't touch you and look at you whipping it so THAT HURTS. 'Cause I damm sure would put you on the road in it and watch that hair flow. Watch you put on your lil driving gloves and them glasses.. Lip gloss popping. Pretty lil thang whipping around with that vigor that I taught you when I taught you how to REALLY DRIVE. Simple pleasure I know but one that I took in every time.

Every hour. Just about every minute.. between the jokes.. the laughter...the handling of business... the music (Hell, the music is mostly inspired by...) Thoughts of you... I don't always verbalize 'em 'cause...well..I know I WOULDN'T WANT TO HEAR THAT SHIT ALL THE TIME..lol Understand though.. they are there. :)

Everyone has been so gracious and kind with their words. My WHOLE OFFICE at my former job that I knew had your obit up in their cubicles. It was pretty amazing to see. Calls from everyone. Amazing.

I truly appreciate it. Kids do too.

Still.. there are times... well...yeah... @ alone. Unfortunately, there's not much anyone can do. Only thing I can do is walk DIRECTLY into those times so that I can 'walk back through' the other side of pain for a minute. That's it really.

The rest? You kinda already know so I am not gonna put it here....Or not in this post at least. Maybe I'll let some songs talk for me or put it 'poetry' form.. *shrugs*

The wall is slowly coming back up it seems. Slowly..


THE BLOG AND THE CONTENT

As y'all can see, the 'blackout' is over. For now. I'm not sure 'how' this event is going to affect the blog though. I suppose I could go back totally to business as usual but we will see. Like I always say, IF THIS IS 'GOODBYE' to your visits, I hope you enjoyed your visit and I thank you for even reading what you have read thus far. You could have spent your time anywhere else. You didn't. So thank you. This is what I DO THOUGH. @ the content and such. Not gonna change that. I may take my time getting back to it OF MY OWN CHOOSING but not for you. Sorry. 


The Twitter 2 X Series coming to an end but have no fear....

I probably will 'retire' the Twitter 2 X of the Week series and bring something else in its place. It is only fitting that MJI be the last one I think. I have to think of a name and all of that though so that makes it pretty 'difficult' in that regard. So it may TAKE A MINUTE for me to do replace the series.

Concept will be the same though. Plenty of candy BUT with some sorta underlying 'spotlight' on the other side of that person. 

Oh you didn't 'get that' out of the series before? You weren't paying attention then. The point was always to promote their attractiveness in a POSITIVE WAY. Not a positive way according to how 'you would do things/would want your woman to act/act as a woman' either. In THEIR WAY. I was never here to make a woman feel some type of way about loving the way she looked. Y'all can keep that. You can ask ANY OF THEM WHO EVER GOT FEATURED and to a gal they would tell you the first thing that they enjoyed about the series was how 'tasteful the words were' and how they were presented. How they felt 'humanized' by the post as opposed to being 'demeaned' by ugly language and labels that they didn't 'ask for'. Those that 'did promote themselves' in that manner got that but for those who just wanted to 'do whatever it is they do' and still be known as human, THEY GOT THAT HERE. That's what the series was about. That is what it will continue to be about. Sometimes spotlighting those who WANT TO BE KNOWN FOR THEIR PHYSICAL and sometimes spotlighting those who SHOULD be spotlighted for it but somehow are not BUT ALWAYS SPOTLIGHTING THEM AS HUMAN BEINGS. With feelings. Get it now? How do you think 'she' would even 'condone' such a series if I was out here degrading women? Yeah.. okay..-_- 


For some 'smart' people, some of you are pretty dense man... Aight.. enough about that.. Mess around and turn this into a rant up in here. Not what I came to do....



My interview log is BACKED UP obviously BUT THAT WILL BE BACK TOO. Just give me a minute. I have pretty concrete plans to be in Durham on NYE though so there might be SOMETHING on that front that I can 'share'. @ Pics and such. Maybe though. I am gonna be amongst 'Friends' so I might just 'chill'. Usually though, when I do JUST THAT, I get some of my better posts. We shall see though...


'Preciate y'all who still COME BACK AND CHECK to see what is cooking over here. Slowly but surely, things will get back to where they were. Thank you for your patience. Just out handling the day to day business that is to be expected when one's spouse dies. Thank you..

Read More

(Words) 12/10/05 X The Ghost of Perfection vs. Don't Quit....

!2/10/05... Well now it is the 11th and seven years ago, I was still sleep at this time. Having partied for a good portion of the night at my wedding reception with a few close friends. Seven years later, I am sitting here awake. Not really wondering 'What if' so much...not even wondering 'why'. Just sitting here wondering....

Reflecting
Laughing
Crying
Sometimes feeling everything.
Sometimes feeling numb.
I thought it was the 'day' that would be tough. @ anniversary. I don't know anymore though... Just don't know...They are all pretty damm tough for their own reasons..






 The lead photo is a piece that hung prominently around my home and in her office. It is a nice piece too. Succinct. To the point. Good message. Very positive. 

Imagine though, if you will, that you didn't have that switch that allowed you to actually execute that? That, despite being wildly successful, your need for perfection is parched. Unfulfilled. A World where everyone is telling you that you are 'the shit' but you pretty much feel because you didn't get XYZ done, you are but a stain....


Imagine taking 'not resting on your laurels' to the tenth power. Truly not understanding that not DOING EVERYTHING ISN'T quitting at all. It is merely NOT DOING EVERYTHING. Imagine being able to tell EVERYONE ELSE THAT and making sure they do that but failing MISERABLY and doing that for yourself. 

Now imagine having that switch and getting mad at yourself for failing to do the last paragraph...


See the dilemma now? 

You would be at yourself coming and going. One for not achieving the lofty (and attainable to you since you are perfect or strive to be) goals and then EQUALLY mad (and thus making things even more maddening) at yourself for not being able to rationally think 'It is okay.. I did my best.. Things worked out well.. I'm good'. 


If you got all of that then maybe you 'understand' more than you think....

Now imagine someone watching someone else EAT THEMSELVES ALIVE with this battle. Day...after...day....after day. 

Imagine my underlying feelings for that piece then once you look at it in that fashion. 

Finding evil in good since 1973... @ me.. smh 

Good intentions..more fuel to the fire...





Silver lining. I found out running this makes me eligible for some things that will benefit my family. Who knew a simple business license would do so much? Really good news on that front. I had to go back to my old job to handle that and to my surprise JUST ABOUT EVERYONE I KNEW HAD MY WIFE'S OBIT in their cubicle. Mind you, I haven't seen them in 6 years.... Hadn't talk to ANYONE there. They were surprised to see me and their reception really did help. 

Prayers and thoughts are helping.. In case you are wondering. 

Read More

(Words) Walking the Walk with a person who is walking THAT WALK.. - Depression

Update:

I am so glad I made this post. I promise you, I almost didn't push send. Here's just ONE of the many examples why I am glad I did....I've received more than a few emails, letters, texts, etc like this. So I DEFINITELY know publishing this was the right thing..

First of all, it is hard for me to even say that word. @ depression.  I've called it everything but that for the past 15 years as I walked that walk with the person.  So for me to call it what it is finally, after the tragic events two weeks ago is huge for me. Don't get me wrong, I treated it as such but I just didn't want to use that word. I can now.



You see, two weeks ago, my wife committed suicide. With my gun. It wasn't her first attempt either. She didn't have the 'prototypical' bad week before it either. She was GREAT. We were great. When I went to bed, she was peaceful.



When I woke up.. she was gone.. 

There is nothing like waking up thinking 'Is today the day?" when things are going bad. That's not how it went down. She was peaceful. I had seen that peace before too. I think I alluded to that in the other blog posts. Marriage. Birth of kids. Milestones. Achievements. Didn't know that this time that peace meant.....

Lotta speculation on what 'made her do it' by the same folks who can't wrap their head around the fact that she did it in the first place. I've gotten advice not to blame myself only to then turn around and be questioned about 'Why I didn't do XYZ'... 

-_-


....Only to then be told that there was nothing I could do anyway.... 


-_- 


I know WHY though. @ the contradictions. Everyone wants 'answers'. No malice towards y'all. Just letting you know how it felt OVER HERE on my end. 

I was the one walking that walk WITH HER. The 'shock' that most of you are feeling right now? I had to get over that some 14 years ago the FIRST TIME she tried it. At some point, I had to admit to myself that this probably, despite my BEST EFFORTS, wasn't gonna have a Fairy Tale ending. I couldn't tell you that it was gonna be THAT DAY though. What I can tell you is I wasn't caught off guard in totality like y'all were. I would have had to have been a fool to be. 

Does that make it easier for me? No. 'Cause I have to still deal with the fact that she DID IT, I found her and the finality of the situation. It just moves the grief from one part to another basically. Same amount of hurt. Different place. It is just that I don't have that particular 'why' floating in my head. 

I guess now you are asking yourself why did I stay? 'Cause I know that some of you out there just aren't strong enough to deal with a situation like this and it is okay. Let me make this real easy for you. 

I loved her. Flaws and all. The end. 

I often make little tweets and Facebook statuses about 'accepting folks' as they are. With their flaws. As humans. They make more sense now don't they?

I often allude to how most of you could NEVER DO THAT. Not out of spite either. I wasn't kidding though. I actually do that. I don't even wanna get into the half of where this journey took BOTH OF US that I more than did my part and she did too. 

I knew she couldn't help the flaws she had due to her depression 'cause of her approach to the things she COULD HELP and control. Anything that she DID have control over, she controlled. Trust me. It took me awhile to figure that out though. By awhile, I mean YEARS. Once I did though, I was able to never  charge those type of things 'to her' again. Even when things got 'dark', I didn't. 

I knew the truth. 

The reason why she would do/act/etc the way she did. With that came another truth. I realized that if I WASN'T AROUND/awake/etc, things could South really quick and turn into what we are all facing today. 



I mean I already knew I wanted her to be mine, but that day, I made the decision to 'walk the walk THAT she walking on with her.' We only discussed it once well over a decade ago. Only had to once at least by name. It would be linked to every discussion that we had from that day forward though. 

Even in the face of me resigning that things could end this way, I NEVER GAVE UP HOPE that she would one day be well. Never. I had several good reasons not to. I was married to her for one and that in itself says you aren't supposed to abandon your partner. We had children. Then of course there was the love I had for her. No reason to jump off the ship, no matter how high the waves got. 


I'm going to give you a POSITIVE about her in this post. She was FIGHTING TOO. She fought off all of her demons for the better part of her thirty four years on this Earth to accomplish great things. Being a great mother. Being a CHIEF FINANCIAL OFFICER at the age of 33 and not of some lil lemonade stand type business. She won accolades all along the way and the hearts and respect of many. She never STOPPED FIGHTING EITHER. 

I know you may not believe that but TRUST me, she did not stop fighting. Maybe that is what has some of you 'conflicted'? That the person you knew was so well put together that she possibly couldn't have done this. I'm here to tell you that the 'put together' part wasn't a mirage but the pain was real. In the end, the pain and turmoil unfortunately won out.

MJ put up a helluva fight though. Lasted longer than a VAST MAJORITY OF FOLKS I KNOW who have had to fight that fight. I think that it may be looked at like she 'gave up' but you didn't even realize she was fighting the WHOLE TIME YOU KNEW/OF HER, so you didn't know what she looked like when she was FIGHTING. Ya dig? 


This probably isn't the last version of this you are gonna see here. I'm actually not doing these so much for others as I am doing it for myself. To let it out. To talk about it. Don't worry, one day, I WILL STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS. When I have exhausted my time talking about it, I won't go into it anymore. It will be a vaulted door so you better enjoy it now. Only when I want to though. That's my way. You have yours. I have mine. I feel like talking so that's what I'm gonna do. *shrugs* 















Maybe now the cryptic 'poem' I wrote makes more sense.. @ this revelation. Maybe now some of the things I wrote when I 'blacked out the blog' are a little clearer. 

Read More

(Words) Co-Piloting With A Jewel.. What Do I do NOW??/ Right to 'know'...

This is all me btw. @ this 'poem'. I use the term loosely 'cause I personally wouldn't call it that but I know some who would so...


What Do I Do Now?/Co-Piloting with a Jewel



I mean there are some things I am GOING TO DO so you can take the title rhetorically in some sense.

I'm going breath. I'm going to take care of my kids. About those types of things I'm not on the fence.

At first, I was a little unsure of what to do with these 'feelings' I have though. This deadly mixture of love, sadness and betrayal.

I mean I'm super sad one minute and full of fond memories the next. Pissed off a little too. Yeah, I'm running the same gamut most of you are..only I'm not trying to 'make sense' of it. That's to no avail...

She was there when I was in the "SHO" and she 'Escorted' me along.* We were together in the Acura Integera.. the Galant, the Maxima, the Pacifica and the Dodge Intrepid.

Where some of you saw simply smiles and us driving past fast, I was behind the tinted glasses. I was running co-Pilot. Giving turn by turn directions. I was there when things got REALLY COLD and when things got really tepid..

I was behind those same WINDOWS of our World for the GOOD THINGS. Sometimes in the passenger seat.. Sometimes behind the wheel..

Always by her side and her by mine. Hands steady.... keeping it the road...For the MOST PART we kept things close to the vest. Kept most of our lives off the Internet, Facebook and Twitter. Our 'secrets', trials and such we did not reveal...


I know a lot of you have your 'Why' hats on AND are reaching with INCREDIBLE SPEED, making up things. Even stooping to innuendo and grasping at the air.

You can't put your finger on why what has happened. You NEED SOMEONE OR SOMETHING TO BLAME. You need that ...Why? Who? What? Where?

You want to understand and I'd love nothing better than for you to, but for a lot of you, you've just never been to that space..

I mean I could explain IN DETAIL but you wouldn't understand.... I can see when I try to explain.. the look of 'That can't be it" etched all in your face..

I'll try to help you again though. Just some lil tidbits here and there. I mean who wants to be known as the SMART AND PUT TOGETHER person who can't control her demons, her thoughts... her fears..

Who wants the World to know that the probably the smartest, most clutch person they know, spends her nights in a pool of her own tears.

Tears didn't always FALL in the form of liquid and salt FROM  HER EYES...her asking for help didn't ALWAYS come in the form of solemn cries..

You kinda had to be there to understand that though. You also kinda had to know she wasn't accepting too much in the way of any assistance...

In her mind, body and soul she was PUT ON THIS EARTH TO PROVIDE THAT FOR OTHERS. Any attempt to get that for herself or deviate from that? That was met with STRONG resistance..

Good days and bad days.. Fun times... and down times.. She had 'em all. When she was down she was down.. but WHEN SHE WAS UP? Oh she had a ball...

Don't second guess whether she was 'truly happy' during WHATEVER TIME YOU AND HER SHARED..

Don't ever think for one minute... THAT IF SHE gave you her love, CHECKED UP ON YOU, GAVE ADVICE, LENT MONEY OR JUST HER EAR... that she didn't care.

She had a FANTASTIC way of letting you know she had you in her thoughts and wouldn't let any negative thinking stop her if she wanted to assist.

She had a beauty about her. A wit about her. A charm that was oh so hard to resist.

She could turn the cheek like no other and walk past negativity with a breeze. Staying on task.

Yeah remember her for all of her GOOD please.. THAT'S WHAT I'm gonna do. You wanna help me? Then this is all I ask....

*Cars people. Mind out of the gutter...smh

There's no picture today. Either you know who I am talking about or you don't. It is that simple. I'd like to share another poem that I DIDN'T WRITE THIS TIME... As far as I'm concerned this is the only time the phrase 'Right to Know' should be used in regards to her for me WHEN it pertains to her and I. 

The Right To Know!

You have the right to know,
What I love about you so.
I love how you make me,
Feel the way I feel.
The way you make me safe,
Keep me warm.
The warmth of your skin,
I wish I could feel against me.
The way your lips feel,
How I wish I could taste.
The way your breath feels,
Upon my face.
The way your fingers,
Will run up my arms.
You have the right to know,
How much I miss you so.
I miss it when we can’t talk,
On the phone,
Or if you don’t talk on computer.
I miss your sweet calming voice,
As you get me to relax.
I miss how you make me feel loved,
When we can’t talk at all.
You have the right to know,
To know how I feel,
Don’t you think?
The way I feel,
For you,
Is love. 

Sara To

Read More

(Pictures/GROWN FOLKS TALK) Twitter 2 X Chromosome of MY LIFE: @OneoftheMs

It was great to see folks come out for Melissa. @ the funeral. Thank you all for coming. Truly.


She will be the LAST TWITTER 2 X CHROMOSOME OF THE WEEK as I am retiring this particular series. Out of respect for her. It is only right that she close it out. :)

There is no part 2 this week 'cause she was my REAL LIFE PART 1- TO INFINITY. Title changed but it will be part of the series.. Yes...that's her and I..




Her loss this week is the reason for my 'hiatus'. I'm gonna give you some info at the bottom at when I have to say my final goodbye. Details of her passing? In due time here. In time. It is gonna come out how I want it to.  Trust me. I can't bottle it in. I just need to do it when I am in a good place to do so.. Not in that place yet...

You probably noticed things are BLACKED OUT HERE ON THE BLOG. No other women on the side.. Slide show just her.. Not an accident. This was my REAL LIFE LAWFUL WEDDED WIFE.

Like I said, this was MY 2 X so she gets the treatment. Time of mourning at Carolinaware's Own man. For real. I'm REAL PRIVATE TOO so it is taking a lot but I know this is right. This FEELS RIGHT. @ this post.




This blog of mine is a place she respected and loved. She loved the way I would express my feelings and thoughts and not only was she a follower of the blog, she often saw me PICK AND WRITE through the process. Thanks to her final 'Yeah, she's a winner... ", the vast majority of the young ladies you see up here are on here. If I knew she didn't see or find them fit, they probably didn't make it. I can literally think of ONE EXCEPTION and even that, once I gave her some background she gave the 'Yup...I see why.. As you were...respect'. Make no mistake about it, it is MY BLOG but I had her blessing and she MORE THAN ENJOYED LOOKING THROUGH THE CONTENTS OF THE WHOLE BLOG. Pictures, thoughts and all. She sat back in the background on Twitter and yes, she followed both accounts. Her Twitter is tame btw but feel free to go see for yourself. When you read her obit, you will see WHY SHE HAD TO KEEP IT THAT WAY and why I had to kinda keep her shielded. Like any GOOD HUSBAND WOULD. So any interaction that I may have had, SHE SAW IT. I never forgot that but I didn't have to 'temper myself' BECAUSE SHE KNEW WHO SHE MARRIED.* Just like I knew who I married. It was a two way street.


The pictures I am going to put up were all either taken in public places or PUT UP on the Internet WITH HER KNOWLEDGE before. Y'all know me by now, even in grief, I'm gonna lay cover fire. @ letting shit be known. She used to joke with me all the time about the amount of flicks I took of her but also let me know she loved that I thought she was pretty enough in my eyes to take so many... (That's a freebie fellas...take notes... ) If you CAN'T SEE THEM, I'm gonna fix that. Don't worry...I had to run out.. Be patient.


I will be adding to the pictures throughout the week...hiatus..whatever.. This is how I grieve y'all. I know it might be WEIRD FOR YOU but I don't judge folks for it. Never have. @ doing so publicly/on the Internet.  She knew me and she KNEW I WOULD do something like this. It is how I am. 

I couldn't think of a better way to kick off this holiday edition of my blog and my hiatus (as I have to tend to her arrangements, funeral and MY LITTLE GIRLS) THAN NAMING HER THIS AND BLACKING OUT MY BLOG FOR HER. So without further delay, I give you my REAL LIFE TWITTER 2 X OF MY LIFE  and for this week.. The late great... .. OneofTheMs

I love you and miss you madly ALREADY BABY. I saw the peace in your eyes. A peace that I had been waiting to see come from you again. Rest easy baby...

My youngest is in there... @ the 'bump'.. Yes.. she was pregnant in this picture...




*Addressed. Probably REALLY one of our favorite standups. Hits kinda close to home..

Read More