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| I mean just read the post man... @ who they are. |
I don't remember intimate details of my Grandfather's death. I mean I know THE BASICS don't get me wrong but VERY LAST DETAIL? No. What I do remember are the days surrounding it and my own Father's 'shift' in Fatherhood and Manhood. It was huge. Definite impact. More thoughtful. Information started coming faster in regards to me. It was like watching some sort of 'passing of the guard' that was silently taking place. He took on even more than he had previously. He was QUIET for a long time though before it become outwardly apparent. There were days of REALLY THOUGHTFUL SILENCE and many a long run. Sometimes, I would run with him and sometimes off into the night he would go, alone. What I didn't understand then, I more than understand it now. @ the things that transpired during that time period.
Now before you go 'logic leaping', up until that point my Dad was an EXCELLENT DAD. So don't assume I am saying he was horrible. He was a young man in his late 30s to early 40s (I know some of you 19-20somethings think the word 'young' only applies to you but it doesn't..compare it to being 60ish. Broad range..) trying to raise a young BLACK MALE in a society that wasn't exactly 'as accepting' of young black males with VERY FEW LIVING ROLE MODELS TO PATTERN THEMSELVES AFTER. He was actually in the process of getting his OWN SHIT TOGETHER at the time, unbeknownst to the younger me at the time, by going BACK TO SCHOOL after having served his country. I didn't realize any of this at the time because unlike most parents today who come home and 'lay it all on their kids lap', he just DID HIS THING AND KEPT IT MOVING. I honestly thought EVERYONE'S parents worked two jobs, came home to crack open a book or two and every two weeks of the month went off to 'training' with their Military gear on. Then again, he surrounded me with folks who did so that's why I thought that. Again, didn't KNOW IT ALL AT THE TIME but all of that was done purposely. Even the MEN AND WOMEN who were childless and the like moved with a purpose. I say all that to say that he was still finding HIS WAY but knew he had to do it to make a way for me and he did that. I remember that vividly.
Anyhow, that time period stuck out in my head as I got a little older (I was 8 when my grandfather passed so lets say 11 or 12ish...). I would ask him about his own Father and where he was more 'reserved' (read: private and internal with his feelings) in the past, he was now very candid. He told me that he wished he had been even more so before but he just didn't know 'how' but was glad that I kept asking. He told me that when I had some kids that I should try not to be so 'private' because they would remember, even if I thought they wouldn't. He was right because while I may not remember the 'finite' details of my grandfather's death, I remember JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING MY OWN FATHER did say at that time. I can only hope I'm doing this right in my own life. @ the sharing I am trying to do. I try to give 'em all that I know and if I don't know it, I try to find out. Just like mine did for me.
It is this time period that is helping me today, as I sit here and think about him on what would have been his birthday. My lil cousin shares this day with him (Happy birthday J!) and I remember just how much joy it would bring my Dad to call him on his birthday. More joy than he got from people calling him on his own for sure. Yes, my Father's birthday would often fall ON THANKSGIVING and while I was thankful for all the toys and other things I got over the years, as I got older and saw the hundreds of kids he was helping who DIDN'T HAVE A FATHER/he mentored/he just flat out helped raise in conjunction with their biological, I became more thankful for just HIM. Thankful for the exposure to many things and situations that I otherwise probably wouldn't have sought out on my own.
Now I am not gonna sit here and blow proverbial smoke up ya'lls (insert the word...ATTEMPTING TO KEEP THIS CLEAN...WISH ME LUCK) and say we just got along ALL THE TIME. Naw B. He was my Dad. I was JUST LIKE HIM. Which is to say we MORE THAN HAD OUR SHARE OF 'ISSUES'. He was VERY HARD ON ME. In his own words, probably too hard. (I beg to differ with that at times as quite frankly, it was needed. I can say that NOW. Then? Eh...) I like to say he was doing what he thought was best and didn't wanna leave anything out. He did a GREAT JOB of doing something that comes with no manual and the mistakes he 'may have made' (Yeah..I'm gonna slander him on his birthday...I'm. Not. You. Nope..Sorry. Not gonna slander him. Next.) I learned from those too and am trying not to repeat them. Just like he asked me to. Gave me a lot of game early on in Life and gave me PLENTY MORE later on just by living. Whatever differences we did have, we worked them out like MEN. I hear a lot of you throwing around that 'phrase' like you know something about it. Nigga you don't know shit about that phrase if you are out here KILLING FOLKS behind your 'acting like men' mantra. That's not what men do. Men don't act like pussies and hide but part of being a man is owning up to YOUR PART of a situation and accepting folks apologies and the like. You know...that 'forgiveness' thing many of you view as a 'weakness'? Yeah that... He taught me that. It is VERY HARD TO DO but I've learned to at least ATTEMPT TO APPLY IT. Some of you could stand a taste of that or two... Especially if you want others to 'help you' like you say they 'should'... There are a LOT OF YOU I WANT TO HELP IN ANY WAY I CAN but your lack of understanding of this VERY SIMPLE concept is stopping me...Another post. Another time perhaps.. @ this topic. (Sorry..I tried. @ clean..)
Today is pretty difficult but I want ya'll to send ANY ENERGY you have not to me but to my MOM. She is the one who could really use it today. From about 8 years old (Any of you elders reading this who wanna correct me..Go ahead! I wasn't there...You would know..I wouldn't..) to THIS VERY DAY, she has had that man intertwined in her life in some fashion. Yeah...go BACK AND READ WHAT I WROTE. I didn't say for EIGHT YEARS. I said SINCE EIGHT YEARS OLD. So yeah...send that her way at the very least and send her a lot. She needs it on this day. Send some to his living brothers and sisters too while you are at it. His nephew. His niece. His other son. That kid who JUST FOUND OUT THE OTHER DAY that he passed away and damm near passed out in front of me as I told him. Send some their way....
Yep, He's Still Here
This is going to sound a little weird but my Dad is still here.
Obviously not in the physical but in our actions and in our hearts he is near.
I remember thinking, morbid I know, just how I would be or how I would react.
On days like these, when I think about him the most. Holidays, birthdays or other days of impact.
Funny thing is, even when he was amongst us on the Earth but hundreds of miles away.
I would hear his voice WITHOUT THE USE OF A PHONE or physical presence. Here's a taste of what he would say.
If I was about to embark on something worthwhile his voice would come to me in my dreams at night..
He'd say "Well now boy I see you doing something worth a damm..I mighta done alright...
I see all the things I tried to tell you, you actually were paying attention.
Shit, I thought they fell on deaf ears. I mean you never said a word or gave it a mention.
I know I was hard on you Son but I did it because it was the only way I knew how.
If I didn't say "I love you enough", know it wasn't cause I didn't. Let me say it now............ "
I also hear his voice while I am awake, usually when things go awry.
His presence is felt then too. Yeah, that's why I often look to the sky.
Telling me to suck it up and act like I have a pair.
Telling me that when things DO GET RIGHT AGAIN....to 'act like you been there'.
Yeah man, I'm trying to tell you My Dad is still HERE AND IF NEED BE I will repeat.
Funny things is, I don't know if I'm saying it to convince you... or reminding myself so that I will feel complete....
I mean I don't want to be the weirdo who runs around like Nutso...
Tapping imaginary backboards and playing imaginary games with much vigor and gusto.
Talking to 'ghosts of Christmas' pasts, cussing and laughing with my Dad when no one can see.
Wait, I already do similar things like that, who I am kidding? I cope how I cope. Man this me.
So yeah I'm gonna talk to him. Probably have a couple of odd things I do in his memory. He is still here with me. Think like how Jay-Z would get them collect calls from his boy Emory.
He calls me up in my mind to drop a gem or two............................
(........Puts the proverbial pen down....We will be here all day... This 'poem' has no end....To be continued...)
