(Grown Folks Talk/Poetry) She Dreams Of Losing Me and I Dream of Losing 'Her'

She Dreams Of Losing Me and I Dream of Losing 'Her'

November 19th....sleep has been quite elusive since that morning and the gap between good night and good morning has become ever so near..

Her face.. the blood... Giants blanket...a true blood diamond gleaming her ear..

My gun on the ground....her laying peaceful like an angel...the pain ebbing still to this day..soft sobs can be hurt throughout my house..

If you listen closely, you can hear a slight creaking... the Angel of Death's recurring visits in the night (and even the days)...from the loss of my spouse..

All of us affected, no one more so than my middle child..she often comes to find the solace and the comfort that only a Father brings...

Her Father seeking that same comfort....taking doses of it from the child.. funny what comes to you even when the pain rings...

You see, she dreams about losing me EVERY NIGHT..the dreams seem so vivid..she awakes shaking and a with a fistful of tears... since that clear morning in November....

I have awaken to find her at my feet..trying to blend in.. trying to rock herself to sleep..her World so solid before that day... trying to remember..

I've awoken to her crying in her sleep....the fear fresh in her eyes...I've awoken to her sitting up..trying to be a 'big girl like her Mommy'.. putting on that 'I'm okay' disguise...

I know the mask well. I've tried to put it on myself but I gave up LONG AGO.. I feel the pain of her dreams..For every dream 'she' has had about losing me..comes the vivid memory of finding 'her'. .It is like our dreams are playing tag team....interwoven in our thoughts and dreams throughout the night...

She dreams of losing me... I am dream of losing 'her'.... Her dreams are begat from the subject of my dreams... damm....what a plight.... 

I've dreamed of her DREAMING OF LOSING ME AND HOW THAT WOULD BE. 

I've had it where they BOTH WERE GONE... and I couldn't save EITHER ONE OF THEM.....Yeah.. try that shoe on B.....

I mean, I've given her traits TOO NOW and within her I do dwell.....

Her Momma gave her traits too though.. I think we all know those too well...

The difference is that I get to work with my daughter THROUGHOUT HER LIFE God willing. Or at least make it KNOWN what needs to be done for her own sanctity and well being..

I can BREAK THE CYCLE. I can take that 'drive' and channel it POSITIVELY.. Give her Life a whole new meaning.. 

It is dark now y'all..pitch black at times even..

Hey babygirl it's your Daddy....LISTEN HERE... I DON'T PLAN ON LEAVING.. 

She is gonna see this... Tonight. I already typed it out. Hopefully she puts it somewhere safe and the days I'm not around.. she can read it. All three of 'em....Because while I may have alluded to 'one of them', in reality, they have ALL DONE what she did at one point or another. In their own way. 

Read More

(Words) Co-Piloting With A Jewel.. What Do I do NOW??/ Right to 'know'...

This is all me btw. @ this 'poem'. I use the term loosely 'cause I personally wouldn't call it that but I know some who would so...


What Do I Do Now?/Co-Piloting with a Jewel



I mean there are some things I am GOING TO DO so you can take the title rhetorically in some sense.

I'm going breath. I'm going to take care of my kids. About those types of things I'm not on the fence.

At first, I was a little unsure of what to do with these 'feelings' I have though. This deadly mixture of love, sadness and betrayal.

I mean I'm super sad one minute and full of fond memories the next. Pissed off a little too. Yeah, I'm running the same gamut most of you are..only I'm not trying to 'make sense' of it. That's to no avail...

She was there when I was in the "SHO" and she 'Escorted' me along.* We were together in the Acura Integera.. the Galant, the Maxima, the Pacifica and the Dodge Intrepid.

Where some of you saw simply smiles and us driving past fast, I was behind the tinted glasses. I was running co-Pilot. Giving turn by turn directions. I was there when things got REALLY COLD and when things got really tepid..

I was behind those same WINDOWS of our World for the GOOD THINGS. Sometimes in the passenger seat.. Sometimes behind the wheel..

Always by her side and her by mine. Hands steady.... keeping it the road...For the MOST PART we kept things close to the vest. Kept most of our lives off the Internet, Facebook and Twitter. Our 'secrets', trials and such we did not reveal...


I know a lot of you have your 'Why' hats on AND are reaching with INCREDIBLE SPEED, making up things. Even stooping to innuendo and grasping at the air.

You can't put your finger on why what has happened. You NEED SOMEONE OR SOMETHING TO BLAME. You need that ...Why? Who? What? Where?

You want to understand and I'd love nothing better than for you to, but for a lot of you, you've just never been to that space..

I mean I could explain IN DETAIL but you wouldn't understand.... I can see when I try to explain.. the look of 'That can't be it" etched all in your face..

I'll try to help you again though. Just some lil tidbits here and there. I mean who wants to be known as the SMART AND PUT TOGETHER person who can't control her demons, her thoughts... her fears..

Who wants the World to know that the probably the smartest, most clutch person they know, spends her nights in a pool of her own tears.

Tears didn't always FALL in the form of liquid and salt FROM  HER EYES...her asking for help didn't ALWAYS come in the form of solemn cries..

You kinda had to be there to understand that though. You also kinda had to know she wasn't accepting too much in the way of any assistance...

In her mind, body and soul she was PUT ON THIS EARTH TO PROVIDE THAT FOR OTHERS. Any attempt to get that for herself or deviate from that? That was met with STRONG resistance..

Good days and bad days.. Fun times... and down times.. She had 'em all. When she was down she was down.. but WHEN SHE WAS UP? Oh she had a ball...

Don't second guess whether she was 'truly happy' during WHATEVER TIME YOU AND HER SHARED..

Don't ever think for one minute... THAT IF SHE gave you her love, CHECKED UP ON YOU, GAVE ADVICE, LENT MONEY OR JUST HER EAR... that she didn't care.

She had a FANTASTIC way of letting you know she had you in her thoughts and wouldn't let any negative thinking stop her if she wanted to assist.

She had a beauty about her. A wit about her. A charm that was oh so hard to resist.

She could turn the cheek like no other and walk past negativity with a breeze. Staying on task.

Yeah remember her for all of her GOOD please.. THAT'S WHAT I'm gonna do. You wanna help me? Then this is all I ask....

*Cars people. Mind out of the gutter...smh

There's no picture today. Either you know who I am talking about or you don't. It is that simple. I'd like to share another poem that I DIDN'T WRITE THIS TIME... As far as I'm concerned this is the only time the phrase 'Right to Know' should be used in regards to her for me WHEN it pertains to her and I. 

The Right To Know!

You have the right to know,
What I love about you so.
I love how you make me,
Feel the way I feel.
The way you make me safe,
Keep me warm.
The warmth of your skin,
I wish I could feel against me.
The way your lips feel,
How I wish I could taste.
The way your breath feels,
Upon my face.
The way your fingers,
Will run up my arms.
You have the right to know,
How much I miss you so.
I miss it when we can’t talk,
On the phone,
Or if you don’t talk on computer.
I miss your sweet calming voice,
As you get me to relax.
I miss how you make me feel loved,
When we can’t talk at all.
You have the right to know,
To know how I feel,
Don’t you think?
The way I feel,
For you,
Is love. 

Sara To

Read More

M.O.I....Just a few words on this Father's Day from me...about mine....

Poem of Life

Life is but a stopping place,

A pause in what's to be,

A resting place along the road,

To sweet eternity.

We all have different journeys,

Different paths along the way,

We all were meant to learn some things,

But never meant to stay...

Our destination is a place,

Far greater than we know.

For some the journey's quicker,

For some the journey's slow.

And when the journey finally ends,

We'll claim a great reward,

And find an everlasting peace,

Together with the Lord.

This is the poem I read on the 9th of June, 2011 at my Father's funeral. I know for any of you who are reading this as a 'forward', these words look 'out of place' amidst all the women, the secular music and the like. Too bad. Judge all you want. Couldn't very well get up there and recite Hov now could I? I mean, I could have but it wouldn't have been appropriate. If you think it looks out of place, just keep reading. Things are about to become abundantly clear as to how I feel on this day. The first one without my Father to pick up the phone to call and say 'Happy Father's Day'...

Here is the thing about June 2nd though.  Sure MY father died but he wasn't just a father to me. He was a mentor of most of my friends, cousins and in his circle. He was THE FATHER that most of my friends never had. He pushed his peers by EXAMPLE by doing things such as starting his own dump truck company, delving into making hand carved ducks that would have sold for $1000 or more. I watched person after person in that field make the offer. Not talking what I 'heard' but what I saw. The man who taught him how to do it would IMPLORE MY FATHER TO SELL HIS STUFF but my Father just liked to make the ducks and said "I am not in it for that. I just want to learn the craft..". Another LESSON that has not been lost on me and those around him. It is why he prospered in it. He did it because he loved to do it. (There's a lesson in there somewhere. If you are smart as you think you are, you will figure it out. You may dismiss it but you can't deny it is there.)

I was reminded that he was more than just MY Father as I prepared to bury him in the days leading up to his funeral. From the phone calls I took from his cell phone (Most talked of having no land line....He DID IT. Cut it off and said 'If you don't have my cell then I probably don't f*ck with you anyway..) I was able to see the ABSOLUTE IMPACT that my Father had on folks. I saw it as I went to pick up my oldest daughter from school before catching the flight down to NC when I got the news. You see, two of my classmates TEACH at the her school. One of their main influences in becoming teachers? Men like my Father. (Oh, you thought I meant he was the ONLY STRONG BLACK MAN IN THE WORLD? No. That's you. Stop putting what you would do or mean on me...Please and thank you.) They would often tell me how my Father's patience, guidance and sometimes sternness led them to want to give back to children in the way that men like my Father gave to them. The sorrow they expressed as I told them what had taken place that day re-affirmed the gift that my Father constantly gave throughout his life. 




Many viewed my Father as a VERY STRICT AND DEMANDING PERSON as it pertained to me. Think Doughboy speaking to Trey about his Daddy 'Furious Stylez' only ON STEROIDS. That was my Dad. He just didn't fucking play to be blunt and once my friends were introduced to him (or in some cases made aware as he was my administrator and was to others either older or younger than me for upwards of 20 years) cats backed ALL UP OFF OF THAT 'Soft, scared, (insert negative connotation here) of me 'cause they saw FIRSTHAND that I had someone in my life who just FLAT OUT WOULDN'T ALLOW THE BULLSHIT. Any definition of 'tough' that any of my friends had was quickly dispelled once they were in the presence of my Father. They learned quickly why I was not phased by the 'Worldly' meaning of 'tough' and all the bullshit. None of them could be any harder on me than he could. Physically or mentally.


From the time he pulled his piece out, IN SCHOOL to show the 'hustling ni#@as' what time it was. He also WAS ONE OF THE ONLY ADMINISTRATORS to go down in their hood to bring them food, shoes, or that guidance that they lacked when no one else would. That was my Father. Never scared. Never intimidated. Always giving. Always understanding but always firm and unflinching with the advice. The kids LOVED HIM FOR THAT. To a man (or woman), his kids STILL COME UP TO ME AND TELL ME TO THANK HIM FOR TRYING TO KEEP THEM STRAIGHT. To share stories with me of how he helped them in some way........


So will I be 'lost' without him? No. You see, he has been GROOMING ME FOR THIS DAY MY WHOLE LIFE. I didn't realize it at the time though. I was not that insightful but as I got older, I could see it. Like a light in the distance. It seemed far for awhile but as he went to the hospital for each ailment and the Lord saw fit to let him stay with us, I slowly came to the realization. One of these times.....

Unlike some folks I know with regards to their loved ones passing, when he passed, I was on GREAT TERMS WITH HIM. Whatever 'differences' we may been perceived to have, were non-existent. I talked to him often. Sometimes about deep stuff and sometimes JUST BECAUSE. Our favorite opening line on the phone to each other was 'I was just calling...I didn't want shit...What you doing?" This is HOW WE WOULD START OUT OUR CONVO and it went from there. Time didn't matter. Maybe early in the morning. Sometimes late at night. Sometimes midday. I am going to miss making that phone call. I think I have already replaced that call. I just talk to him out loud now. Call me what you want. Not a #$@ will be given on this end. I can still hear his voice but THEN AGAIN, EVEN 500 SOME ODD MILES AWAY, I would hear it so that is ACTUALLY NOTHING NEW. I am used to that. It isn't haunting at all in any way. It is actually comforting. You see, along with all the other things my Daddy taught me, he let me know REAL FAST that not everyone had one of 'him' in their lives. Just like alluded to up top. Which is why he would always say he admired how I was so willing to 'share him' with others who were of no kin to us. It is why I am the way I am today. Always caring for others (as long as they act accordingly). Always giving. Always advising or passing along the little bit that I do know. I think that is the gift my Father gave me that I love the most. The gift of being a real man. It is why I can stand in the face of some of these 'others' with pride and without fear. 

I have more stories to tell and I can't promise you I won't tell them here. Amidst the music, the fuckery that is the World that I broadcast through this medium to some extent. I don't even ask that you 'respect' it either. "Cause when I feel like it, I will express it. Without your 'approval'. I don't need it. Never did. You just read a TIDBIT AS TO WHY THAT IS SO. I just wasn't raised that way. It was never acceptable to seek the approval of others if what I was doing didn't 'please' the popular folks. My Father taught me that a LONG TIME AGO. You have to know I am not going to stop now don't you? It would be a disgrace to his memory and the work he did with me. 


Love you Dad. 








Now a word from me to the rest of you out there....on this Father's Day.


Happy Father's Day to all the Fathers, cats filling in for and those who assume the duties of a Father on this day. Shoutout to ya'll who are using this day to 'speak out about the misfortune' of not having a Father, about the person that YOU CHOSE to have a child by not doing his part or about those folks who we all know aren't doing their part as parents. I will leave the 'out and out' slander to ya'll and just address those folks just like this. 

IT'S NOT TOO LATE. Get in the game and get involved with your kid if you are among the living. 



I will also take the time to address you folks who are calling them out:


First things first, this is a DAY OF CELEBRATION for some folks so you will have to excuse us if we don't join in your misery. This isn't the day for that. The other 364 days of the year would be better served to make your point truthfully. Some of you need to look in the mirror at the choices you have made, the way you have allowed 'that lack of' to overrun your OWN LIFE AND THE LIKE. There are PLENTY of folks around to help you but MANY OF YOU HAVE IGNORED THAT HELP IN THE NAME OF FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELVES. For those of you who ACTUALLY DON'T HAVE HELP, GUESS WHAT?  It is up to you. Period. You can throw a pity party later. Meanwhile this thing called LIFE IS GOING ON. You might wanna join the rest of us (and your CHILDREN) in it....

Many of you have allowed yourselves to 'wallow' in your misfortunes and you (or/and ESPECIALLY ) your child is suffering due to all of that 'hatred' you have built up. Time to start to heal people. That's all I am going to say. I mean, I CAN EXPOUND if you like but I THINK YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING. Don't you? I thought you did....Let this day be and start fighting to make things BETTER tomorrow instead of sitting and basking in negativity. I am a lil tired of hearing the 'backhanded' compliments and folks bringing up bullshit on these holidays (Mother and Father's Day) I don't hear ya'll any other time of the year. @ those who don't have a horse in this race. Cut that hateful shit out. Be thankful you are in the position to even see some of those children you are speaking on and here's a thought....


GET UP OFF YOUR ASS AND DO YOUR PART TO HELP THAT CHILD FILL THAT VOID. 


How about that? I know I do...Stop talking and complaining...Do something....




 (Excuse the typos..Doing this from my Android. It is a bit difficult. Never done it but needed to get this out..)

Read More

Twitter Person of the Week: @TracyReneeJones

This week's Twitter of the Week (shhh...I know we have only had 1..Give me a break..Been working on the site. Haven't you noticed? Okay then..shhhh) is none other than....

My good friend TracyReneeJones...

A fellow Cappy, she is VERY EXPRESSIVE and pushes the envelope on all things. Can absolutely throw down on the written word thing and is a great Tweeter. Hit the link up or look for her on the blog roll (if it ever lets me put it up) to find out more about her.

You will not be disappointed. You can find her here on Twitter and here on her blog spot...


A oh so brief sample from here:

Surprise, Surprise

I can tell I caught you off guard.

Ha!

Surprise, Surprise

I can tell by the look in your eyes.


Don’t be mad at me for keeping secrets.

I didn’t even know what to expect.

Today’s a day like none before.

What happens now?

Who knows for sure?

Read More