(Words) This first of 'Firsts' X Jane would have been 35 years old today X Happy Birthday

I'm not even gonna sit here and PRETEND that we had 'all out bashes' for her birthday. We didn't. IF she even took off work that day, she would maybe go lay out in the backyard, sleep in a little bit, go to the spa or something like that during the day..

WHAT WE DID DO was have cake made by her sister. If you know me in real life, then you KNOW ALL ABOUT MEL MEL and her 'Ace of Cake' (That's what I have dubbed them) type joints. We would, of course, EAT WHATEVER Jane wanted that day for dinner and IF she felt inclined to eat breakfast, I would COOK whatever she wanted....how she wanted and bring it to her.

Of course when Jane and I were 'younger', we would GO OUT and do what young adults do. Dance and party. She did that with her girls at some point around her birthday as well. That's pretty much it. Probably pretty typical stuff that most folks do on or around their birthday if they celebrate it...


.....now that I've gotten all of that out of the way for you folks who were privy to a sliver of our life and would be saying in the back of your head 'He's acting like they used to do.....XYZ' we can get down to the business of the post. Or rather I can.

I always used to tell her that while today (June 24th) was the day she was 'born' and it was 'her' day, I much rather prefer to spread the love and affection out over the course of the year. That's why I could 'step aside' if she wanted to go out with her friends for 'one night' or could take the 'kids' while she went out and did whatever made her feel special on her day. 'Cause I was going to show it the other 364.... 

That is what I am mourning today. The fact that I can't 'celebrate' another year with her on the face of the Earth for another 364. Of course, during that time, there are days when 'no celebrating' went on as we weren't 'perfect' so don't take the words 'literally' in that sense. Just take them to mean that if I felt like doing something special, I didn't wait until Christmas, Valentine's Day, HER BIRTHDAY to do it. I just did it. Whenever I felt like it. 

I can't do that now. The day is important to me..don't get me wrong.. it is. It is just that it drives home the point that she won't be around the days after.... The days that I liked to take to show her that she was pretty damm special. That's all... 

My kids, who are well...kids... DO RECOGNIZE these days with GREAT REVERENCE so I feel bad for them as they are still in the infantile stages of learning what is like to show someone they love them consistently. They take these days as the pinnacle of that love so for them not to be able to show their mother that love in the physical is no fun. 

This 'first time', even with the words I typed up top, is cumulative in that without THIS DAY, none of the other 'firsts' happen. Understand that I know that without it.... 

No birth, no wedding. 

No birth, no holidays. No kids. No BIRTHDAYS FOR THEM. 

No birth, no 'regular' days that I loved the most. 

So even within my love of the regular days that I shared with her, I will take the time to give this day its just due.* I will reflect, as many of you who knew her will, on different times and memories. 

I guess this is the time where I'm supposed to hit y'all with words 'cherish', 'tell folks you love 'em' and all of those other nice cliches. Something tells me that I won't have to wrap them up in a sentence for those of you reading this time... 

Very thankful that I played 'Paparazzi' Jane,  as you used to call me. Lotta memories captured. Thank you for allowing me to show you what I always 'saw' in you and for accepting it as my way of saying certain things. For accepting me for me. For allowing me to love you for you. We both learned that from each other. Thank you for that. 

Without you, I wouldn't know some other great folks too and together we share a LIFETIME of memories of you. 

Definitely left me with some blessings in regards to the kids. Thank you for helping from the start in raising all of three of them. Lots of sacrifices. You made me promise to make them 'better' than both of us and I will. Thank you for backing me in the creed of being 'their parents' FIRST and maybe....just maybe their friend a little later. That other promise you made me make in regards to the middle child in particular? Done. Actually, all the promises you made me make in regards to each one individually? Done as well. We spoke about letting one 'go' but staying in the wings and that has happened. The other one is RIGHT ON COURSE... I got you Juana. Thank you for giving her to me in the first place. :) Just wish you were here to enjoy her. She's everything we said she was gonna be when she came out of the womb.... 



Happy birthday Jane. Miss you. Love you. 



*And will do so for the other folks I've lost... 

Read More

(Words) My role didn't 'change' it just finally got noticed X Father's Day thoughts from me.. X Wingman X Call Sign is "Goose"

This might be one of those posts that some of you will be able to do is nod your head. I probably gonna be cryptic (surprise...surprise!) but I have to say what I have to say. Pretty much the only way I feel comfortable doing it is this medium. You can always not click on these you know.. @ the posts..

June 17 2013..... Almost seven months now.... You know, as much as I want to stop counting the days... certain things just won't allow for it.


The 'firsts' keep piling up....Birthdays...holidays..Discussions... There have been revelations galore. Discoveries that well....quite frankly... make me wish I wasn't so damm 'intelligent'. Some that haven't though. Some bought comfort. Others bought a lil more to deal with. All were NEEDED THOUGH. The words 'Too smart for you own good' come to mind however...lol

The things that I have realized, discovered, come to grips with, whatever you wanna call them are the very things that make one make cruel jokes when bad things happen to others, make one shudder in fear that they too may once have to face such adversity and has made many folks just flat out LIE, retreat, or disappear when it is time to put up or shut up.

I see why now some of you sit back in admiration. I've watched some of you go through some of them on a smaller scale and RUN. Retreat. Fall back. Lose your nerve. Do nothing. Say nothing. Let it lie. Lay down..

I'M MADE OF NONE OF THAT SHIT THOUGH. @ what this situation would make most of you do. Bad as I think it could get. As bad as things REALLY ARE. I'm not made like that. Oh, to some of you I wasn't 'built like that' due to the fact that I have not 'fought for the trivial bullshit reasons that some of you have gone out for. I hear it in your voice. You know that not to be true NOW. It's a fucking shame I had to lose a wife for you to see it though. I've ALWAYS BEEN THIS WAY. Never wavered. Always did things when they needed to be done. Now here you come, late to the party..like usual.... Just now realizing it might just a be a bit bigger than you thought...


That 'respect' you give me for dealing with my 'situation' and all lets me know that. It's just different now. Your eyes tell me you 'wanna tell me something' but your heart knows that at this point, I could probably give a fuck less about whatever trivial shit you have for me and that I've probably processed it WELL BEYOND ANY REALM you could think of. Even if this were a movie, it would be too 'real' for the lot of you. Your words reflect that. My bluntness, my curt responses, unwavering real answers to questions show you that....

Yesterday was a celebration of Fatherhood and I am very happy for those that received the accolades that they deserved. 'Preciate the well wishes from many of you as well. I have to say this though..Been wanting to just flat out say it for YEARS... 'Cause I feel like it needs to be said... I'm no Johnny Come Lately outchea...


I've never NOT BEEN THEIR FATHER. I've never NOT been their first and last line of defense. EVER. In their Life.....


So as I sit here this morning on Monday June, 17th, with this 6 year old in the same place she has always made her way to at some point EVERY MORNING, into the same spot that ALL OF MY CHILDREN EVENTUALLY FOUND THEIR WAY TO IN THE AM, know that. I know some of you 'know' though. You've seen it. I just hope you don't 'forget' or 'misremember' history in light of new events. I feel like some of you have forgotten though. Or maybe you just never 'knew'.. 

So I'm telling you.  Not 'cause something happened either... You see, I have enough 'emotion', pain, and turmoil that shit that happened weeks or months ago can bubble up from time to time. So I don't need much 'motivation' to write about it. I kinda live it... Every once in awhile, the volcano erupts and this time I'm not really about that 'Caring about who is in harms way' of the lava Life. Many of you have waited for this day.. Here it is. Enjoy it. Don't be too surprised if you catch a stray though... 

Your interactions, brief, long, or whatever with all parties involved in my situation (or the main party) that have shaped what you 'thought you knew', only gave you a peek. A small look into the Life. 

I wanted it that way. Trust me. I walked away from more 'problems'. Over the YEARS, I've heard 'what you said'. How you felt.

I knew you were taking my Fatherhood for granted. Like it was an entitlement. Like my lessons that were on public display were for you enjoyment. Your revenge for others who have scorned others. My punishment if you will... lol 

I knew a lot of you 'lived' through me and thought 'One day, I'm gonna get my shit together and be a Father to my kid..Like that man is showing my kid RIGHT NOW..." 

"One day my brother (my baby daddy/my husband/sperm donor/etc) may be the Father he is..." I know. I saw it. 

"It's probably just her.. It can't be him..Good genes...Probably...Look at him, never did like that nigga...Damm it might be him.. Well if it is then it because of her..." @ how some of you felt/feel.. 






I turned 'away' from a lot of shit 'cause THEE MOST IMPORTANT THING WALKING AROUND ON THIS EARTH ARE MY KIDS TO ME. I did things I KNOW I didn't have to do for the sake of peace. I walked away when I knew I was RIGHT 'cause I knew how much.... yeah... I adjusted. I made alternative plans for folks 'ways' 'cause I KNEW they weren't thinking shit through... I've been 'on fire' with anger and STILL DID THE RIGHT THING 'cause well..it was the RIGHT THING TO DO. 

No apologies. 

No 'Damm that was fucked up what I did... I'm sorry'... nothing received. Nothing but a 'Oh that's 'cause he is a good father/man..' so let me continue to shit where I eat..

There isn't much I haven't done in the way of 'sacrifice' for ANY OF MY CHILDREN. I could have been MADE THIS ABOUT ME and well..frankly been 'right'. 

It's never been about me for very long man..I might get a day here or there. Nothing long term though. I've always made sure everybody else around was 'comfortable' as they could be in the situation even while I was getting my proverbial head stepped on. Everybody else got to do 'what they needed to do..'. Not me though. I KNEW I'D GET MY TURN. Didn't know 'how' though. Wish it wasn't like this... but alas, it is. 

Oh that's my own fault that I had to wait? That things 'turned out' how they did? Oh you don't care? See, that's the shit I'm talking about. Now though, when I pull a you on YOU I'm wrong... Oh... @ not really giving a fuck. 

I hear folks speaking of either them or other folks in the situations, 'putting up with this' or tolerating that' or 'sacrificing that' and it seems that some of you think that is only specific to a 'gender' or to a particular 'circumstance'. Newsflash. 

It isn't. 

Double duty.. DOUBLE TIME.... For more than one person. Funny how that seems to be 'forgotten'. Funny how some of you never noticed either. I mean who did you think had and DID FOR the children while all those hours got worked? Double shifts and whatnot.. 70 hour weeks... weekends too.. While all that 'playing' and 'memories of good times were being etched out? All that out of town going? All that school going and education pursuing that took place? 

Multiple folks could take jobs WHEREVER THEY WANTED. Didn't have to worry about anything but going to work. Do with their vacation pretty much as they saw fit, if they even wanted to take it. With no worry about who had 'the children'. 'cause...yup...you guessed it.. 

Work an overnight shift? Change of hours? Hey..I can do that. No problem. 

Fly out to Chicago? No problem. Go away to workshop....Yup no problem.

Oh there's an issue at work... go solve it. 

This isn't a movie man. My kids didn't just disappear via the production's pen because we could skip that chapter. This isn't the 'Soaps' where one day Sarah is 2 years old and next Tuesday she is 21 and on a arts school scholarship... Somebody had to handle that business. 




While working his OWN 40 hour week job 50% of the time.... Using his vacation and sick time PRETTY MUCH FOR CHILDREN and not trips to who knows where.... or when he was actually sick.. Field trips... sick days... "I forgot this...".... "It is such and such Parent day...".... Oh the job is getting in the way? Fine. Got that up outta here too. I LOVE MONEY like everyone else but eh... Did the math... 

Haven't figured out who the person who might have made these sacrifices could be yet???

Let me help you out...just in case you get any bright ideas... My Momma (and Daddy when he was alive) lives 500 miles away... so that's a no. Other Maternal grandmothers and grandfathers deceased. Paternal grandmothers and grandfathers deceased all three ways... Not an option. Never WAS an option. So that leaves...

Me. Started out that way. No dropping kids off to in-laws on the regular. I did it. As it SHOULD be but as we ALL KNOW IT ISN'T FOR EVERYONE so lets not act like it is.. *

I digress though.. I didn't think I'd ever have to come out and SAY IT. Clearly, I have to though so....

I'm saying it. For me. Somebody has to speak FOR ME and I've reached the point that I'm gonna do it. Feelings BE DAMMED. Fuck your feelings. 


I've done MORE IN 15 years THAN MOST FOLKS DO IN 30 years. If I walked away RIGHT NOW, I'd be good. I'm not gonna do that but lets be clear that I know my worth out here. Okay? Good... 


I'm still here.. 

This post is probably gonna come off as a 'I did it all' post. Naw. Not at all. Clearly OTHER FOLKS DID THINGS IN THE RAISING OF THESE CHILDREN. If that isn't clear to you let me make it clear. They did. 

What the post is about is what my role ALWAYS WAS. I clearly don't owe any of you 'an explanation' but since some of you feel the need to voice your displeasure to me or about my actions.....it  should be noted that my 'role' didn't just become that on or around November 19th 2012. It has always been that. Maybe 'you' didn't know it cause well... YOU WEREN'T AROUND and in some cases, despite 'who you are' you didn't 'need' to know 'cause the show never stopped due to your absence. 

Maybe she didn't tell you. Maybe you didn't listen. Maybe you didn't pay attention...Maybe she didn't make it seem that way. Maybe she didn't know how to 'disappoint' you by letting you know that it wasn't all just her due to the things 'expected' of her (that weren't expected of any of her peers..family..business or otherwise..)  Maybe you were wrong about me PERIOD. Maybe you were wrong ABOUT HER.**  Maybe you didn't know what you were talking about.. Maybe you'll never admit that though... 

Just maybe....

It is why she felt 'comfortable' enough to leave. She KNEW it would be okay. She KNEW what I was doing prior to that day would not only continue but that I could do what she was doing too. The latter took a bit for her to grasp but yeah... I wish she hadn't done it. I wish a lot things though. None of which can undo what is the reality.

I'm still here. 

It is why I don't feel bad now that there are just three of us here. Oh there's still four of us but.... I know what I've been doing the past 15 years. I got the war wounds to prove it. I know what I'll be doing 'till God sees fit for me not to be here anymore. Intention may not be to 'stop me' from doing so but there are no 'favors' being done here for me either. Lets not kid ourselves shall we? 

Information designed to hurt or maim, idle threats of what somebody 'could have done via court', 'you knowing me and my pain' or any of that other mess..... = putting folks in places they have never been in on my relationship ladder. The Youngbloodz and Lil Jon said it best.. I think you know the song... 

You don't give a damm then I don't give a... 


Not what you imagined would be going through my head on Father's Day is it? Well, now imagine putting together with EVERY DAY and the challenges each one of those bring..... 


How ironic that I am writing this today not just for me though. Oh don't get it twisted, I didn't 'make anything up'. I just so happen to know someone who has lost their spouse too. Who is also a gifted a writer. Who probably has wanted to type all of the words AND MORE that I just typed.... 

In the irony of all ironies.. she lived in the neighborhood I JUST MOVED TO. She had to move her children too. Another weird twist. Her mother is my doctor's secretary.  My doctor wouldn't be my doctor if it wasn't for Melissa as he was HER DOCTOR. 

I can't make this up.... I'm writing for her today too. 

The loss of her husband was in the same manner as mine so she has all the rage, the anger, the 'new found advice columnist' in her Life. The burden of taking care of her children ALONE. Many similarities. I hope that you are reading this and that you FINALLY get to writing. I know you have threatened to and I can't make you but I think you would feel better. I really do. It is your release. So go on ahead bring yourself pleasure... One day, I suspect you will write with the 'rage and anger' that I cannot do here in regards to 'her'. One day, you will write for me as I've done for you today. I will be grateful that day too for the words form but the posts never get published. Understand that she hears me like he hears you though but sometimes....it just has to come out. 



So you see, while you think I'm being 'selfish' over here, I'm really doing what I've always done. Helping people. Sure I've done plenty of 'bad'. I know I've also done plenty of good and it seems like for all the good I do, folks still seem to want to shit...never mind. You get the point. Yet I continue. I'm writing for me yes... 

I'm also writing for others. For those that 'do..do.. do ...and do so more' but due to the fact that others have family ties and allegiances, they get no credit. Due to the fact that others can't see things for what they are cause they have their head stuck so far up their own asses while swinging from the tree of "I only care about me and mine", somebody has to speak up. 

So it will be me. I'm speaking up. I know plenty who have done what I have done and they get the proverbial 'Plaque and a gold watch' dismissive wave. Meanwhile, some of you wouldn't be WHERE YOU ARE WITHOUT THEM. Whether you like it or not, they had an impact on YOUR LIFE and you are in a better position to succeed BECAUSE OF THEM. We can get 'hypothetical' but the bottom line is that THEY DID HELP YOU. I've helped you.  Respect it. 

But I'm the one who has changed though.....-_-


I'm gonna make sure my kids are okay and then I'm eventually going to get all the way off of the ground from the things that the last 16 years or so have taught me. When I do, lots of things will be left behind. Lots of feelings will be vaulted up and put into their proper perspective. Demons exercised. Less ghosts to chase. Forgiveness of self. Kids grown.. Parting of ways. Good, bad and indifferent. 

You will say I've changed. 

I will tell you....

* If you have it like that, I'm really not knocking you.. I promise. It is a beautiful thing. Kids should know their grands. Spend time with them. The whole nine. I did. 

Understand though, they are YOUR CHILDREN so yeah... you should probably have them with YOU more than not..Some of you I know personally know the struggle that is your kid listening more to YOUR PARENT than they do to you. You gotta call YOUR MOMMA to get them to go to bed and act right 'cause YOU didn't have them like you were supposed to from the door. 

That's because you allowed your kid to view them as the 'ultimate discipline' in the situation so long that you now have to fight for that right.. Sure, my Dad wanted my kids but 'for what'? Why would I do that? He wasn't going to be around to raise 'em. I knew that. It was my responsibility. So I took it... Anyway.... You got it like that, be thankful and prepared to take the reins one day.. lol


** More than an handful of you have expressed that you were 'wrong about her'. You thought she was 'stronger' than that. Respect to you for saying it. Hopefully you will respect what I am about to say to you though.. 

What kinda fuck shit is that? You 'thought' she was stronger than that? C'mon. She took on her responsibilities which were HUGE, sometimes YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES and countless others and you wanna sit here and say that? 




I mean maybe she should have just chosen to delegate her responsibilities to the next person so that she could have been 'happier' huh? Just like you... Oh.. 

As I said up top though, if she had taken some of y'alls approach to Life, things would have never gotten done the way they were. 

I know..I know..you don't understand. Just say that then.. Not that other fuck shit though. Probably wanna keep that one to yourself.. 

Read More

(Words) "I'm just tired....."

I was watching the Dr. J documentary tonight, GREAT DOCUMENTARY BY THE WAY, and he was speaking on his brother's death....


He got to the hospital just in time to hear him utter those words...


I almost had to cut the TV off. I made it through the first showing of the documentary okay though 'cause I REALLY WANTED TO SEE IT. 

The second showing though.....


As soon as he said it, I had to turn it off. (Luckily, I recorded it...)


Now as a child, I had 'heard' about folks saying that. I even remember my Nan Momma standing up in church, telling her Pastor that it would be her last Sunday in church.....


"I'm tired and I feel like the Lord is ready to take me to be with my husband...I'm ready. So I'd like to thank y'all and tell you that I love you.."- My Nan Mama to her congregation. 

Those three words are something that I got used to 'hearing' over the last 14 years. At FIRST, I thought it was physical fatigue as the person uttering those words worked 2 jobs, PLAYED JUST AS HARD AS SHE WORKED and had a child/raised another one with me. I found out pretty quickly that it wasn't that. 

She was essentially telling me that she was ready to ..... She was prepping for the day that she could no longer......

The look on Julius's face as he recounted the story of his brother....the realization, even after ALL OF THESE YEARS.....that he was being told that. To have to come to grips with that as it BECAME REALITY... I felt his pain. I remember the day that I realized not only what she was saying but that she was serious about this. 

I know that pain. 

I know I'm not alone in knowing that pain but we aren't talking about that now are we? We are here on MY BLOG so yeah.. we are probably gonna talk about how 'EYE' feel. 

That tiredness. No one can seem to understand it. 

I can.... 

...I can also understand how you can feel that way and how it feels to dig DEEP....DEEP....DEEP WITHIN YOURSELF to keep going. Long after ANYONE ELSE WOULD HAVE QUIT. Long after the 'I don't know how you are doing it..' type attitudes would have really permeated things. 

The 'tiredness' doesn't come when you think it normally would. Those 'big days'. Naw.. There is pain on those 'big days' but NOTHING LIKE THE DULLING PAIN THAT DAY TO DAY ACTIVITIES BRING. 

Nothing like the sting of not having THAT someone to talk to while the rain pours down on your house long after the kids have gone to sleep. Not that the conversations were marathon sessions either. Sometimes they were as brief as a head nod, a smile....a gentle brushing away of a wisp of unruly hair. A palm of the head. Or just the simple act of sitting next to that person in silence...enjoying the silence together. 

Not that folks don't 'fill voids' or provide some support. They do. It is just that when the person you have been used to having around when you'get tired' is no longer around........it is tough. You don't wanna lean too hard on anyone else 'cause what if they 'get tired too'? What if they don't 'understand' like they claim they do? Especially when you are mourning the loss of 'that' someone. You can't get 'mad' when they don't get it no more than they can't get mad at you when you can't 'make them get it'. 

This fight.... man this fight.....IT IS A TOUGH FIGHT. So many different angles. So many different things to worry about. 

Sometimes I take solace in knowing that there are other folks have had to sit by helpless to their loved ones plight. Their fate. Knowing it wasn't going to end well and that whatever the circumstances were....that they would have to live with the pain and suffering for the rest of their own natural lives.


I saw that pain that the Angel of Death can bring in Dr.J's eyes. 

It is the same pain I have in mine.... the same one that is in my children's eyes. Good times wash over our faces and they are truly good times. Temporarily covering the pain... 

They mask the 'I'm just tired' in our faces though. Sometimes, I have to put them (the kids) all on my 'back' figuratively and literally.I just don't know if I can trust anyone else enough....

Read More

(Video) Hope his 'pride' and credibility sustain him in jail X Florida Bouncers kills co-workers over a video posted on Facebook..

Wauw...


He was wrong. The flip to this is simple though. You don't know who will do what over what so the best thing is to not do things to people. Very sad situation.

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Read More

(Words) What's your definition of Trust? I trust you to BE WHO YOU ARE. X Difference between being judged and knowing you aren't on the side of 'right'...

Hov did that...so hopefully you don't have to go through that...- Jay-Z @ the following things you are about to read. Pay attention. Lots of Double and triple entendres...You can apply some of what I'm saying here how you want. I know some of you are here to be nosy and that's fine. Whatever I'm 'giving you' in these paragraphs are things I quite frankly don't give a shit if you know. One tends to lose their 'give a fuck' when they lose their spouse so you'll have to excuse my French and candor... Anyway....** I mean I think we ALL PRETTY KNOW THE MEANING of trust according to Webster's but I can't help but wonder am I the only who has had to 'amend' the meaning to tailor fit me. You see when I was growing up, 'trust' meant that I trusted you to 'do the right thing' and ANYTHING THAT DEVIATED FROM THAT WAS A VALID VIOLATION...


Over the years though, as I learned that some people may ACTUALLY MEAN WHAT THEY SAY or they may SHOW YOU WHO THEY REALLY ARE AND WE TEND TO IGNORE IT, I've had to learned that 'trust' has taken on a much more succinct meaning to me.


I trust you to be who you are.. 


Told you it was succinct. Now how does one get to 'trusting someone to be who they are'? Thought you'd never ask. It is really quite simple. 

Pay attention. Folks have a way of cumulatively showing 'who they are' over some time period. Trust in that. Understand that everyone doesn't 'do the right thing' in certain situations and THAT IS JUST WHAT IT IS. No matter what their mouth says, if you can see that time and time again they do 'what they want to do' then TRUST THEM TO DO JUST THAT. 

Trust them to be themselves. Oh you need an example? Cool. I got you. We will keep it common and simple. Nothing complicated. 

Say for instance you are dating/talking/seeing/married to/whatever to a person who is social. You KNOW THEY ARE A PEOPLE PERSON. They strike up conversations with everyone. People gravitate towards them. Nine times out of ten, all it is talking, flirting, whatever. Nine times out of ten. You also know they have a penchant for going out and going EXTRA HARD when y'all aren't 'in sync'. So that ONE TIME outta that ten when that is happening, they are prone to take shit further...

TRUST THEM TO BE WHO THEY ARE. Don't turn a blind eye to shit like so many of folks do. YOU KNOW THEM. You know if he/she walked up outta the house that night with an attitude towards you, some shit JUST MIGHT HAPPEN. It SHOULDN'T but you have to TRUST THE PERSON TO BE WHO THEY ARE. Especially if THAT IS HOW YOU MET THEM. As SO MANY OF US DON'T LIKE TO ADMIT BUT HAVE MET FOLKS. While they were in a 'situation'... and mad at the person they are in the situation with... 

It happens! All the time. Is it right? Nope. Does it happen? Yes. Guard your grill and don't be an idiot. Trust them to be who they are. Remember that when 'shit hits the fan' that you KNEW WHAT TYPE OF PERSON YOU WERE DEALING WITH. Doesn't mean you have 'to stay' either. I'm not saying that. Lets just not act surprised when they go 'do some shit'. You knew. 

Another example is if I have seen you TELL BOLD FACED LIES TO OTHER PEOPLE on the regular and act like it was 'okay'. Listen, I know we aren't all saints out here but AT LEAST DON'T LIE TO PEOPLE AROUND ME and then come giving me the 'But I wouldn't lie to you... ' shit. Or come at me 'celebrating' your deception of someone we BOTH KNOW and 'care' about. 

I don't wanna hear it. It's proven that lying is your THING. I'm gonna 'TRUST YOU'  to lie to me too when I ask you something. Shit, I'm gonna do more than trust. I'm gonna assume you are lying until proven otherwise. You could tell me the Sun was a star and I'd go DOUBLE CHECK that to make sure it hasn't had its status changed. 

If I've seen you 'neglect your kid' just for the pure D fuck of it, I'm gonna 'trust' that I don't EVER NEED TO BE IN A POSITION where I am dependent on you. EVER. I see that part of your makeup and I'm gonna trust that you will let me down. 

Are there ways to 'earn' my trust in the conventional way folks define trust within the confines of the specific things I've outlined? Yes. 

Own up to your bullshit. At least that way I know you are FINALLY being honest ABOUT SOMETHING. I can work with that. One thing I don't like is an arrogant 'untrustworthy' person. Pretty sure you have your 'reasons' for doing what you do but the bottom line is that you are wrong. That's all I wanna hear from you if I'm not 'directly' involved but you still want me to have some line of  'trust' when it comes to things you and I are DIRECTLY INVOLVED IN. I need to know that you KNOW it is fucked up basically. 

Yeah..that's a lot. I know. I don't care. That's how I am. *shrugs* 




Which BRINGS ME to what prompted this little diatribe on a Saturday afternoon on what has turned out to be a beautiful day. As usual, I won't name names but if I take it 'there', know that whomever I'm talking to will be notified in some way that they have been addressed. You just have to trust me on this one. It is better this way. I know what I'm doing. All of you knowing the who/what/and the particulars of the 'why' isn't all that necessary honestly. I can help folks without outing others in regards to others learning from some of my experiences. Besides, when those who are being discussed read this, even though they know nobody knows it is them, it ALWAYS HITS HOME and my point is always well taken. So we are gonna keep this format JUST the way it is... thank you very much. 


I trust you to be who you are. You keep worrying about me 'judging' you. Well maybe if you did shit that wasn't 'worthy of judgement', wasn't 'suspect' or you were TRULY OKAY WITH WHAT YOU ARE DOING then you wouldn't have to worry about what the fuck I think? Ever think of that? Oh.... You've got a problem. You can't accept what the fuck it is you are doing YOURSELF. More on that later.. 

You are too secretive. You should be a 'mystery'. No doubt. Secretive though? No. 

Not sure WHAT OR WHO YOU THINK I AM but I've FORGOTTEN MORE ABOUT DECEPTION than you fucking know AND IT IS PRETTY FUCKING INSULTING that you think you are 'winning' with your 'secrets'. I won't get up here and profess to.... I'll leave those reindeer games up to you. You can play the 'denial' route. Your life. Do what you want. Not saying that. Let me say this though. Let's not say you are good for seven when you should be 'going board' though. That's all I'm saying... 

You see, when I've done or am doing 'shit I know would be questionable to anyone else', I get myself a big bag of 'Don't Give A Fuck' and proceed to do what it is I do. If I know you 'need' to know so you can CHOOSE HOW YOU WOULD LIKE TO PROCEED due to any danger of my activities, I let you know. Common courtesy. I don't worry about being judged 'cause if I TELL you what I'm doing and you can't fuck with it, OUT YOU GO. It is that simple. You need to acquire some of that. You think you have it but you don't. You are FAKING IT. Stop that shit. ASAP. Not for 'me' either. For you. One less thing to worry about. @ being 'judged'. That's you worrying about what I think not me judging YOU that you feel. Now I may ask a question so I'll know what I'm dealing like ANY SMART PERSON WOULD DO but I'm not judging you. I'm protecting MYSELF. Like I fucking should. You or no one else is gonna make me feel bad about that. Fuck that. You need to learn the FUCKING difference between the two. Now. 

I'm different. I could probably find good in just about everybody as everyone has their reasons for doing or being how they are. I hear all of you out here screaming 'Accept me for who I am and stop judging me' but shit... YOU'VE HAVEN'T STOPPED JUDGING YOURSELF. You haven't ACCEPTED YOURSELF FOR THE SHIT YOU DO. No wonder you think no one else can. 'Cause you can't do that for yourself. The minute you do, IT WON'T MATTER IF CATS LIKE IT OR NOT in general. There are few select people whose opinion you value but on the whole, it WON'T MATTER. 

One can't even ask you about what you are into and SUPPORT YOU without you screaming you are 'being judged'. Fuck outta here with that shit. You've judged yourself and you know how YOU WOULD LOOK AT IT 'cause YOU WOULD STAND IN JUDGMENT. That's NOT MY FAULT. To top it off,  I'M NOT YOU. I'm not judging. I'm just ASKING. 

I'm me. Always have been. I know some folks who have done some FUCKED UP SHIT IN THEIR LIVES (and are still doing it) but I also know a whole other side of them. That's the side I deal with. You gotta expand your circle a bit... All of us aren't over here waiting to 'put you on trial'. Shit, we've been on the stand with a 'jury of our peers' and watched them forget every sinful and immoral thing they've done as they've stood in JUDGMENT of whatever 'we are on trial' for. Some of us get it and wouldn't do that..I'm one of those people. -_- 


Then you wanna run that 'Nobody cares about me...' bullshit game. Bullshit. Folks wanna care. You just don't want to let them..lol 'Cause that would require someone POSSIBLY calling you on your shit or you having to look at YOURSELF and justify whatever you are doing within. You don't want to face that. That's 'our' fault. Sorry.. 


The cards are ALREADY STACKED against you or anyone else getting ANYWHERE near what I am capable of giving a person. Don't fuck off the little bit I'm capable of giving NOW by showing me how I should 'trust you' by the behavior you exhibit. 

'Cause I will hold you to who you 'show me who you are'. Of course then I'll be the 'ignorant' one. As usual. -_- 

and lets end the speculation...

I'm talking to 'all of y'all'..... - Jay-Z

'Cause you all have some PURE BULLSHIT with you*...and you wonder why you keep getting hit with the 'guard'. 

How's that for 'trusting someone to be who they are? Due to my situation I've lost all of my filter. I always told the truth but would soften the blow. Now? You already know. I'm gonna lay it on the table. Even when I should 'lie'.... Remember? Your words...not mine. Oh you thought you were the only who has said that to me? Awwww... listen to me WHEN I TELL YOU THINGS. 


I had to learn to give the truth all the time though. I can admit that. It was a long period of 'work'. I can relate to and give leeway for that. As long as you are 'working towards it'... 

Some of you should be. You aren't. I keep hearing your 'age' as your excuse. No. Not as long as you want to do 'grown up shit'. Leave that Little League shit there. Full grown around here.. 






*Didn't say I didn't either.. Nor that I've ever dealt with someone who didn't.. We all do. Some of us have learned to own up to it and understand the reactions we illicit when we get to acting that way is all...

** To you..you..you and ESPECIALLY YOU.. You thought you wanted to 'read what I put in the air on the Net' huh? How's that working out for you? I didn't lie. Told you it might end up here.

Read More

(Words) @Chris_Broussard X Rebellion X Perfect Repentant (and still sinning) Patties and Patricks

.. and the rest of you sinners 'hiding behind' your screen names and the word 'repetance' to 'bash him for it'.



I have so many places to start on this subject. 



Yeah, you aren't about to be out here living 'secular as a mofo', listening to ASAP Rocky talking about you love "Bad bitches that's your fucking problem' on one hand and then running up on me about Jason Collins being gay is 'sinful'. 


Nope. Sorry. Talking about and BLAMING the alcohol while listening to Jamie Foxx on the way from the club with someone who ISN'T YOUR SPOUSE for a night of premarital/out of marriage sex. Nope. 

Not about to make me feel bad for 'supporting Jason' while you DO ANY OF THESE AND THE PLETHORA OF OTHER SECULAR AND SINFUL THINGS THE WORLD HAS TO OFFER.... WITH GLEE MIGHT I ADD. Naw.. 


You out here putting a 'Molly in her drink' or letting him put a Molly in your drink and you ain't even know it but wanna rally against Jason or anyone else like him? Naw... 

Smoking weed (Cause it after all it comes up out of the ground so it is cool right? Vagina/Penis are 'natural' too but hey....whose counting those sins of the flesh if you are HETRO like that.. Those things happen...) and drinking alcohol in excess TO THE POINT OF PASSING OUT or missing out on your responsibilities including your children.....Jason should be 'stoned' though? Oh okay.... 


That's probably the last 'choice' word or two I'm gonna use in this post but I had to get that outta the way first. Some of you simply don't understand things any other way so I had to put it out there like that first. 

The rest of you...... Here's your 'clean' rebuttal.. (Like that top part didn't apply to you too... I see you out there doing ALL OF THOSE THINGS and more but we are gonna let you keep your Halo on for this session and hid the repair tag okay? Cool...) 


A. The audacity of some of you to sit there and tell folks on one hand that 'all sins are equal' but then turn and cite Biblical verses about Homosexuality being a sin as if THAT IS IN QUESTION. Or as if by citing said verses it makes THIS PARTICULAR sin more damming. 

Like all the other sins aren't 'spelled out' in the Bible too.... -_- 

C'mon man. Stop that. 

The fact that homosexuality is a sin isn't in question you morons. Nobody, at least I am not, is saying it isn't! Duh... I wish some of you would learn how to read. Seriously. I asked that man a simple question about rebellion AND WHETHER IT PERTAINED TO THE SINS THAT HE COMMITTED HIMSELF. I mean I can pick out Bible verses too you know.... Take this one for example where it speaks to ALL OF THE COMMANDMENTS. Not just homosexuality. 



I've seen all TYPES OF VERSES THROWN MY WAY to 'defend' what Chris was saying. I actually know a perfect verse to 'defend' it..but the only problem for those of you who are defending Chris is that it talks about ALL OF THE COMMANDMENTS thus calling BACK MY QUESTION.  Nobody has cited this verse to me...I wonder why..... I mean it is IN THE BIBLE AFTER  ALL. Maybe this book in the Bible isn't a 'popular' book.. *shrugs* I'm kidding. I already said why. It doesn't fit damming folks for homosexuality. 

Leviticus 26:14-39
Leviticus 26:14-39 But if ye will not hearken unto me, and will not do all these commandments; And if ye shall despise my statutes, or if your soul abhor my judgments, so that ye will not do all my commandments, but that ye break my covenant: I also will do this unto you; I will even appoint over you terror, consumption, and the burning ague, that shall consume the eyes, and cause sorrow of heart: and ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it. And I will set my face against you, and ye shall be slain before your enemies: they that hate you shall reign over you; and ye shall flee when none pursueth you. And if ye will not yet for all this hearken unto me, then I will punish you seven times more for your sins. ...





Is this what you guys were 'trying to say'? Is this the part of the Bible where it says he is in 'rebellion'? Interesting 'cause it is pretty clear...It says..

ALL. Not the ones YOU AND YOUR EARTHLY FLESH think are the worst ones out of the bunch. All. Funny though.. I haven't heard from 96% of you any other 'sin' but this one.. 


But but... that is in the Old Testament Mr. Blogger.....

You don't want me to bring the New Testament into it fam....'Cause err...umm.....It gets even better. 

Hebrew 10:1:22 


Hebrews 10:1-22, "For the law having a shadow of good things to come, and not the very image of the things, can never with those sacrifices which they offered year by year continually make the comers thereunto perfect. For then would they not have ceased to be offered? because that the worshipers once purged should have had no more conscience of sins. But in those sacrifices there is a remembrance again made of sins every year. For it is not possible that the blood of bulls and of goats should take away sins. Wherefore when he cometh into the world, he saith, Sacrifice and offering thou wouldest not, but a body hast thou prepared me: In burnt offerings and sacrifices for sin thou hast had no pleasure. Then said I, Lo, I come (in the volume of the book it is written of me,) to do thy will, O God. Above when he said, Sacrifice and offering and burnt offerings and offering for sin thou wouldest not, neither hadst pleasure therein; which are offered by the law; Then said he, Lo, I come to do thy will, O God. He taketh away the first, that he may establish the second. By the which will we are sanctified through the offering of the body of Jesus Christ once for all. And every priest standeth daily ministering and offering oftentimes the same sacrifices, which can never take away sins: But this man, after he had offered one sacrifice for sins forever, sat down on the right hand of God; From henceforth expecting till his enemies be made his footstool. For by one offering he hath perfected forever them that are sanctified. Whereof the Holy Ghost also is a witness to us: for after that he had said before, This is the covenant that I will make with them after those days, saith the Lord, I will put my laws into their hearts, and in their minds will I write them; And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more. Now where remission of these is, there is no more offering for sin. Having therefore, brethren, boldness to enter into the holiest by the blood of Jesus, By a new and living way, which he hath consecrated for us, through the veil, that is to say, his flesh; And having a high priest over the house of God; Let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience, and our bodies washed with pure water."



But I need to 'read' the Bible? -_- Oh okay.. I have read it. I know it. I want to know it MORE but I am MORE THAN FAMILIAR WITH IT. Miss me with that sneering condescending, I went to Bible study and may have remembered one or two things so now I know EVERYTHING ABOUT THE BIBLE rhetoric and tone. I can 'pluck' and page turn out of the Bible too!! Find scriptures that fit ALL OF WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY. 

It is pretty petty but since it is being done to me...I'm doing it back. *shrugs* 



Two things though about feeling the way some of you feel about repenting. 

1. Some of you are treating it like a 'Get Out of Jail' free card/I get to 'talk down to you' card. No. Nothing Christlike about that plair. Sorry. Don't act like you are 'just pointing out facts' either. There's a difference between fact checking and that 'I'm better than you' crap you and Chris pull. There's also a reason some of you got SO UPSET 'CAUSE I ASKED CHRIS THAT QUESTION ON TWITTER. I was calling you on that.... 

So when you 'repent' on a sin that you commit OVER AND OVER AGAIN, it is cool to just keep doing it after the first time? There's a lifetime pass? You get to just keep on sinning and sinning? 'Cause that is what you saying when you run up on me with that 'Well, I sin all the time but I repent about it'... 

This is what that reads like: 

I've sinned but I told God I'm sorry and it is okay. Even though I continue to sin EVERY DAY. Since I've told God I'm sorry once already, I'm okay to stand in judgement of the next man (a sin within itself by the way..) about his/her sins because I've repented. Oh and no I don't know if he has or hasn't repented but that doesn't matter 'cause I'm just gonna assume he hasn't. "Cause we all have a direct line to God. It is called prayer. (??)  I mean he 'came out' right? So I can assume he hasn't....He isn't humble enough for ME so therefore I can assume he isn't humble enough in God's eyes.. @ him being 'proud' to finally let out something that has been BOTHERING him for years.  - You




Bottom line is this though..

Jason is standing on the same ground you and I are on this one. He is a sinner. He has to answer to God. Only God can take care of that though. 

As I've asked many of you on Twitter, just exactly HOW do you know Jason hasn't repented or WHAT JASON AND GOD HAVE GOING ON? We are all taught that his Will is WAY BEYOND OUR HUMAN COMPREHENSION but y'all SURE SEEM TO BE TAKING LIBERTIES with 'knowing what God and Jason have talked about'. 

Make up your minds. Either God's Will is infinite and beyond our comprehension or it isn't and if it is, how DARE YOU SPEAK on how he would handle THAT SIN that Jason is committing while you run around 'saying I'm sorry Lord' and keep sinning yourself. Your ticket isn't punched plair. You don't know whether YOU ARE GETTING IN. Might wanna concentrate on that. I digress though.. I say that 'cause I keep getting 'Go read the Bible' tweets..lol Like your tickets are punched in.... Stop it. 

B. I want all of you who are so 'down' on Jason to put all of your sins in your social networking bios. 


Put your sins in your bio and openly repent so we know it is REAL then.. @ the rest of you. Since y'all want him 'humble'.




If the form of social media you are using doesn't allow that, I'm gonna need you to outline your sins daily. This way, when you come at folks talking about 'who has or hasn't repented for what', we will know the sins YOU HAVE COMMITTED and repented for.

At this time though, it is just lip service. @ what some of you say you have and have not done.. 

Some of us know you. We can give you the same treatment you are giving Jason. We can 'judge' you (even though we aren't supposed to..) We can 'call you on the carpet' and speculate about what you and God have or have not discussed. It is only fair right?

I don't have to do that 'cause I'm not a celeb...- Some of you

God is out here giving special treatment to celebs now? Oh..... Okay. 

We are all the same. 

You see, as a person who is raising little girls, I can't help but be bothered by some of the language and tactics some of you are using to express your 'outrage' at Jason and his homosexual compatriots. I see some STRIKING SIMILARITIES to the oppression of women. 

The lone ranger Bible verses that are quoted ALONE. Not in context but singularly. 


The hostile language. The assumptions that one isn't suffering anymore with the afflictions of their plight. 

The 'finality' of His Will in that 'It is what it is.' sorta way. Even though it is clear that IT ISN'T WHAT IT IS.. -_-. Look around Jack. Woman are making more than men. Not saying we aren't needed but the indignant attitudes need to be piped down a bit. 

Oh this final one.. The one where we talk about 'the Will of God' but then use our EARTHLY beliefs to bound folks by things that are written in the Bible.  I could quote a scripture or two to counter that but I won't...*. I let y'all have that. Maybe. 

None of which are exhibited when we talk of...let me digress.... 


I know you are waiting for me to bring up the 'S' word so you can dispute that. I won't. That book you keep quoting says that was a common practice though... *whistles*... ** Hey don't look at me.. It says it. *shrugs* 


Yes, I have my own issues with the Bible merely 'cause it was written by man. Two versions. No flow. People picking and choosing which verses they want to adhere to. The interpretation of word that I can clearly see and know the meanings of by someone who is cobbling together bits and pieces from each book of the Bible....Yeah... No... I mean I DID IT IN THIS PIECE and I know some of you are gonna come through and try to destroy what I said. Even though I tried to take WHOLE PASSAGES as opposed to one line like most folks do. So why should I in turn believe YOUR INTERPRETATIONS? 

Doesn't mean I don't believe in God though. I know ultimately, he will spell it all out for us and it will truly be what it is. 

I have no clue what he has for Jason. Neither do you. Neither of us are him. So lets cut the crap and worry about OURSELVES... 



C. The next time you want to speak on 'How fine the POTUS or his WIFE are and imply what you would or wouldn't do to them.....remember.. you are SINNING. 


Repent. RIGHT THEN. Sincerely. Not that joking "Lord Forgive me.." Really repent if you are about this talk about Jason and then.....


.....DON'T DO IT AGAIN... EVER. 'Cause if you do... you too will be in 'rebellion' of God according to some of you.. 'Cause I never see anybody say that with 'reluctance'. It is always with pride. @ finding either of them attractive. Since Jason's statement was done in 'pride', thus not making him 'repentant'. 
-_-

That extra piece of food you keep piling on your plate? Yeah buddy.. gluttony... You might wanna..... 


Do you see what I am getting at? @ the picking and choosing sins. 



Look, I get it if you don't 'like' what Jason is doing but the hypocrisy, the audacity and the downright ignorance some of you are displaying behind your 'opinions' of him is foolish. You want to have 'discussions' about it but are coming into it much like the fools who came into my TL. Full of hate. Full of assumptions. Full of judgement. With no intentions of 'discussing' things. Only with intentions to 'set me straight' on things that we actually AGREE ON or that I actually already know. The only difference is..

I'm not up on my soapbox knocking Jason. I know my own bathwater is FAR TOO DIRTY to be worrying THAT MUCH about his. Some of you need to do the same. You aren't perfect. You may very well have 'repented' at some point but you are STILL OUT HERE SINNING. Most of you committing the SAME SIN you repented for while some of you have moved onto other sins. 


Your arrogance and ignorance is sickening honestly. How 'Christlike' is that????

See, I never asked for Chris's job. Or for him to even CHANGE HIS MIND. I asked him a question. One question. Never called him outta his name (unlike some of you who have called Jason all types of names in the defense of Chris...). None of that. Just a question. 

@chris_broussard I must respectfully then.. ARE YOU WITHOUT SIN? Cause errr..ummm.... yeah.. That would mean that you are in open rebellion
— Ving Harrison Rhames (@carolinaware) April 29, 2013

And on the defense the WHOLE LOT OF YOU WENT. Talking about Chris isn't 'allowed to speak his mind now?" 

Interesting. I asked a question.. Guess you can't do that anymore either. 

And y'all wonder why some folks won't go to Church..... 

Chris responded to the issue very nicely I think here.. 

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/early-lead/wp/2013/04/30/espn-supports-broussard-after-controversial-jason-collins-comments/


Galatians 2:16
*Galatians 2:16, "Knowing that a man is not justified by the works of the law, but by the faith of Jesus Christ, even we have believed in Jesus Christ, that we might be justified by the faith of Christ, and not by the works of the law: for by the works of the law shall no flesh be justified."

Ask your Pastor to flesh that out for you if you don't know that 'law' isn't 'the law book' per say. Since I don't know 'Your Bible' like that... What I do know is that there are PERSONAL FEELINGS involved when folks want to point out how we should apply these verses. The visceral is clear and apparent. In English, we are thinking WHAT WE WOULD DO IF WE WERE GOD as opposed to following what we were taught and admitting that God's love is beyond our comprehension. 


It's our Bible btw.. You don't own it. I don't own it. Come up off that horse. 



**Exodus 21:20-21

And if a man smite his servant, or his maid, with a rod, and he die under his hand; he shall be surely punished. Notwithstanding, if he continue a day or two, he shall not be punished: for he is his money.

Read More

(Words) Once I discovered the joys of telling the truth to folks aka I'm not changing.

The familiarity of the conversations that we have had over the last 3 years via that radio show makes MORE SENSE NOW. :) I NOW know who you are though but the approach isn't gonna change. It was actually pretty refreshing. That same honesty that I give when I tweet in answers or blog about WHATEVER I blog about is the same EVERY DAY. Down to every minute detail. Questions get asked...I answer 'em. With truth. I don't know no other way. 

I'm being CRYPTIC as hell but you KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I'm not gonna say your name FOR ONE REASON AND ONE REASON ONLY. Out of respect for the mutual person we know. I can speak about respect because unlike ANYONE ELSE AROUND THAT PERSON EVER, I've done nothing but tell the truth. Even when.... I have no other reason but to do that... So yeah I used the word 'respect' and THE ONLY THING I OWE IS THE TRUTH in the realms of this situation. 

I will say this, you've had the benefit of knowing it was ME THE WHOLE TIME. I didn't have that. I do now though. Is that your concern? That the person we mutually know won't 'know the real me'? 'Cause I didn't 'know it was you' I was talking to all of those times. Yet, I told the truth. Same person. 

They might know even more....'cause they know details.....

When you know the truth, ESPECIALLY WITH DETAILS, you can make your own decisions and live with them. I've never NOT ALLOWED THAT in any situation. 

This one is no different. Matter of fact, I probably need to learn how to lie. 

It isn't ever going to happen though. I like the freedom of telling the truth too much. I've seen folks shackled with their 'lie'. I don't want that life. 

So yeah... Just had to say that.*

*Some idiot is going to fall through and say 'So you will snitch on yourself to the cops* (Looks into the camera) What do you think idiot? Not that it really matters but for shits and giggles...JUST WHAT DOES YOUR DUMB ASS THINK? Oh... okay then. Go with that if you must. I wouldn't worry, if you have to ask WHETHER I WOULD I NOT. I wouldn't even grace you with my presence in a situation for you to 'wonder' about 'cause I think you are too stupid to handle whatever it is we would be doing. There's your answer right there....  

Read More

(Words) Two days a Week..... The hour... It just might be working....

Two days a week, I take my middle child to have a little 'time' with someone. I sign her in.... the lady comes out and asks us how things are and off she goes.


Don't think I haven't NOT CRIED one time.

She shouldn't have to do this but yet SHE SHOULDN'T NOT HAVE THE RESOURCES OR THE PARENT WHO WILL MAKE SURE SHE DOES.

That look on her face. I hate it. It is almost as if to say. "Ummm... I'm doing good and yet you bring me here to REMIND me of what I am trying to forget..."

My dearest Middle child,

All I can say is simply this. You need the time. You will thank me later. 


*turns back to the camera* 

For that hour that she is there, it takes ME BACK TO NOVEMBER 19TH, 2012. Every time. 

Sometimes, I remember November 17th, 2012 and I can at least start out smiling. That was a dope day. In hindsight, I can see CLEARLY how she MADE SURE IT WAS A DOPE DAY. @ her actions. For everyone. 

Even with that memory, I'm always taken back to waking at 7:50 am. That 'empty' feeling. She wasn't in the bed. I still have that bed. I can't bring myself to get rid of it. Probably gonna be a bone of contention one day 'if' I ever let anybody get THAT CLOSE again. Might be a deal breaker. *shrugs* Fuck it, my heart is already broke anyway so.... I can still see her laying there. Clearly. Vividly. 

Funny thing is I don't hold any resentment towards guns or folks who have them. Hell, it was mine after all that..... So movies with them when they are NOT used for that purpose don't bother me. 

I will say that anything remotely close to the subject of depression or suicide resonates with me in a way that I can't ever see shaking. No matter how many couches I sit on... how many blog posts I write. I've had more talks with more folks who have revealed that they too suffer that I've lost count. 

I FELT FOR EVERY LAST ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. I truly have. I haven't grown 'tired' of hearing about it. I know they are merely expressing themselves in a way that for the vast majority of them, they could NEVER DO 'cause they felt no around them would EVEN GET IT. 

I get it. 

I wish she would have known that others would have gotten it too... 'Cause she didn't know that. Just like with the loss of her parents.. the WAY she lost her parents... she felt so alone. 

How do I know that she felt alone? I gotta be guessing on that one right? No.

I heard her say it. All I could do was hold her. Or leave her to her thoughts sometimes early on when I didn't know what to do myself. After awhile, it came to the point that she didn't have to say it. She would just look at me and I would know. 

Those looks. That hour... For that hour my little girl is in there, I see tons of folks. Hear tons of arguing with people coming in. I've seen folks bringing their kids in and pretty much saying 'This is bullshit.. There's nothing wrong with you..I'm only doing this because I was mandated to do it.." 

I've seen adults told the same thing. I've seen the products of other broken up homes where the grandmother is taking her 'scantily clad' granddaughter to therapy and listened to her pray in the corner for SOMEONE TO HELP HER 'CAUSE SHE CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITH HER. I don't know her 'story' but I know enough to know her parents are gone she is all she has. (Older folks don't whisper on the phone and my bluetooth was shot so.. yeah... I heard it.) 

My poor little girls..all of them.... I put up a video of her singing a song earlier today on Mobli.. It was just last year. That innocence I saw in her face is GONE. This has taken that away from her. 

All I can think about is how someone stole that innocence away from my wife... For that whole hour... for those two days... 

Now for some of you it 'makes no sense as to why I am 'dwelling' on things. I mean after all I know you know it has been a short time period but for the vast majority of you there hasn't been an event this tragic. So 'getting over things' and moving on is...well... quite simple. So this might seem like dwelling to you. Let me clear it up for you.

It isn't. 

See, I just got to this point. I've had quite a few other things that needed my immediate attention SO I KINDA HAD TO SKIP OVER THIS PART OF IT. Not only that, it is happening TO ME. So even if I 'deal with it', I might have to 'come back to it' @ whatever 'part of this situation I'm in'. So I am sorry if I am not 'where you want me to be' or that if you dealt with this part of it already. 

I'm not through with dealing with it. 


I'm gonna address something else here. It is the way I do things so if you don't 'get it' or it isn't clear enough for you to 'understand' then it must not be for you to 'understand'. It is really that simple. 

The truth. I deal in it. Every day. You are going to have to learn to accept that about me. I've learned to tell the truth even when I honestly probably should be 'lying'. That's how real with it I'm coming. 

Don't ask me questions you don't want answers to or that you already know the answers to. 

If I tell you I am feeling a certain way, believe it. 

If I answer your question, don't act like I didn't and try to 'read into the answer'. I am pretty succinct and definitely crystal clear. 

If you offer up help in ANY CAPACITY and I even LISTEN to what you have to say, consider yourself lucky. I don't even entertain 'help' offers from folks I either don't think can help or offers about things that I think won't help. Period. Speaking of that..

I can't stress this enough. I hear ALL OF Y'ALLS SUGGESTIONS. 

There are only 24 hours in a day. Regular things have to happen too in addition to the things that are 'needed' to supplement things due to the situation. Everyone has a routine and their allotted time. Can't really deviate from that...  

In English, I can't do all OF THE SHIT SOME OF YOU ARE SUGGESTING. Period. It isn't that they aren't 'good suggestions'. They are. Some of them just can't happen right now and ANYTHING that involves them, I'M GONNA BE DIRECTLY INVOLVED. So 'coming to get them to take them' without me first SEEING, WATCHING, HEARING...ETC... is not going to happen. No matter who you are. 

So.... That's about as nice as I can say it. Sorry.....


Oldest one is playing soccer. She played GREAT THE OTHER DAY!! Never played soccer in her LIFE outside of in the yard. She played stopper and striker. She didn't allow advancement on her side and SHE GOT AN ASSIST!!! She has a game today and you KNOW WE WILL BE IN THE RAIN SCREAMING FOR HER! 

Youngest one has all MPs on her report card! She is officially going to the 1st grade no MATTER what she does in the last marking period. (Not like she is gonna fall off. I won't let her! lol) 

...this just in at 2:41 pm 4/12/13... the middle one just handed me her report card. 

She has a 3.84...All honors classes..

..she is GEEKED. 

So is her Father. :) Mood changer!!!! She just told me she thinks therapy is helping her even more.. (She had a 3.6 last marking period.) 

THE. BEST. NEWS. EVER... 

Gotta roll. See what I can go do special for this little girl. 

It is even sweeter 'cause SHE IS HAPPY. I didn't mandate some crazy gpa. Just at least a 3.0. The girl almost got a 4. Had she not switched schools and got there late, she would have had a 4.0. 

She just spoke of getting it but not in an unhealthy way. She is super excited about her 3.8.

I'm gonna LET HER BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not my Father. I'm not Melissa's Father. I am ME. My own Father always told me..

"Be a better Father than me..." and he was a GREAT DAD..Not perfect but that is what made him great. He knew it. He acknowledged it. We moved on and all was right before he left me here on Earth.. I'm trying..

And my little girl JUST MADE ME PROUD. 

This was JUST THE THING I NEEDED TO HEAR. I'm gonna think about this TOO when those two days come up. When that hour ends.. 

This is how I want it to be always so OFF TO THAT HOUR we will go... 

I'm out. 

Read More