(Words) This first of 'Firsts' X Jane would have been 35 years old today X Happy Birthday

I'm not even gonna sit here and PRETEND that we had 'all out bashes' for her birthday. We didn't. IF she even took off work that day, she would maybe go lay out in the backyard, sleep in a little bit, go to the spa or something like that during the day..

WHAT WE DID DO was have cake made by her sister. If you know me in real life, then you KNOW ALL ABOUT MEL MEL and her 'Ace of Cake' (That's what I have dubbed them) type joints. We would, of course, EAT WHATEVER Jane wanted that day for dinner and IF she felt inclined to eat breakfast, I would COOK whatever she wanted....how she wanted and bring it to her.

Of course when Jane and I were 'younger', we would GO OUT and do what young adults do. Dance and party. She did that with her girls at some point around her birthday as well. That's pretty much it. Probably pretty typical stuff that most folks do on or around their birthday if they celebrate it...


.....now that I've gotten all of that out of the way for you folks who were privy to a sliver of our life and would be saying in the back of your head 'He's acting like they used to do.....XYZ' we can get down to the business of the post. Or rather I can.

I always used to tell her that while today (June 24th) was the day she was 'born' and it was 'her' day, I much rather prefer to spread the love and affection out over the course of the year. That's why I could 'step aside' if she wanted to go out with her friends for 'one night' or could take the 'kids' while she went out and did whatever made her feel special on her day. 'Cause I was going to show it the other 364.... 

That is what I am mourning today. The fact that I can't 'celebrate' another year with her on the face of the Earth for another 364. Of course, during that time, there are days when 'no celebrating' went on as we weren't 'perfect' so don't take the words 'literally' in that sense. Just take them to mean that if I felt like doing something special, I didn't wait until Christmas, Valentine's Day, HER BIRTHDAY to do it. I just did it. Whenever I felt like it. 

I can't do that now. The day is important to me..don't get me wrong.. it is. It is just that it drives home the point that she won't be around the days after.... The days that I liked to take to show her that she was pretty damm special. That's all... 

My kids, who are well...kids... DO RECOGNIZE these days with GREAT REVERENCE so I feel bad for them as they are still in the infantile stages of learning what is like to show someone they love them consistently. They take these days as the pinnacle of that love so for them not to be able to show their mother that love in the physical is no fun. 

This 'first time', even with the words I typed up top, is cumulative in that without THIS DAY, none of the other 'firsts' happen. Understand that I know that without it.... 

No birth, no wedding. 

No birth, no holidays. No kids. No BIRTHDAYS FOR THEM. 

No birth, no 'regular' days that I loved the most. 

So even within my love of the regular days that I shared with her, I will take the time to give this day its just due.* I will reflect, as many of you who knew her will, on different times and memories. 

I guess this is the time where I'm supposed to hit y'all with words 'cherish', 'tell folks you love 'em' and all of those other nice cliches. Something tells me that I won't have to wrap them up in a sentence for those of you reading this time... 

Very thankful that I played 'Paparazzi' Jane,  as you used to call me. Lotta memories captured. Thank you for allowing me to show you what I always 'saw' in you and for accepting it as my way of saying certain things. For accepting me for me. For allowing me to love you for you. We both learned that from each other. Thank you for that. 

Without you, I wouldn't know some other great folks too and together we share a LIFETIME of memories of you. 

Definitely left me with some blessings in regards to the kids. Thank you for helping from the start in raising all of three of them. Lots of sacrifices. You made me promise to make them 'better' than both of us and I will. Thank you for backing me in the creed of being 'their parents' FIRST and maybe....just maybe their friend a little later. That other promise you made me make in regards to the middle child in particular? Done. Actually, all the promises you made me make in regards to each one individually? Done as well. We spoke about letting one 'go' but staying in the wings and that has happened. The other one is RIGHT ON COURSE... I got you Juana. Thank you for giving her to me in the first place. :) Just wish you were here to enjoy her. She's everything we said she was gonna be when she came out of the womb.... 



Happy birthday Jane. Miss you. Love you. 



*And will do so for the other folks I've lost... 

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(Words) Intervention, Truth & 'Moving On' : Where I am at with her death at this moment..

These are all Facebook STATUS updates that I turned into blog posts 'cause well....I felt they were a little long winded to be just status updates. I am going to post the link of Facebook 'cause the first one 'explains' another pretty cryptic status update I put up which got me ALL KINDS OF TEXTS AND PHONE CALLS. aka It Struck A Nerve.

The other ones will probably strike a nerve too I'm sure.





1/19/13



When you pray for intervention, you can't frown about how comes to you. You just take the intervention as it comes and be thankful you got it.

Intervention has come to me in ways that I've seen most you Usain Bolt from. Stop running. Let it work for you.

Let me be clear. Someone saying something is not always intervention. Sometimes that is nothing more than noise. Most of my interventions have been full of action.
With few words.

This time period has been no different. Only this time the actions are continuous. Some words and a lot of action. All for a reason though. No matter how fleeting..

I'm all man so I'm gonna take every bit of it as I can for what it is worth.

I'm ready when I'm ready @ whatever is going on. Stop worrying about me not knowing. Moving.. kids....moving 'on'....I'll do what I do when I do it. When i wanna do it. How I wanna do it.

Handle yours. Please. I've been through more than I've even told you. I'm still here though.

 Admirable that you are worried about me but it is clear that your attention shouldn't be on me. It should be on handling yours.

Listen to what you say to me and heed it yourself. Maybe it isn't just me....ya know? Maybe it is you and it is just more convenient to say it is me. Stop using me to avoid your own shit.

I hold no pretense as far as my readiness. I didn't know the date she would leave. I'm probably not ready for a lot of things if we are gonna keep it funky.



Things still need to get done. I'm gonna do em. The best way I know how. Just like I did before. Got me here right? Okay then...

Let me say this though....

None of y'all have done what I'm doing. None. It shows too cause you keep telling me I'm not ready for ( you can insert numerous situations here. You will of course insert only one... dating. That's a mistake btw...I can't tell some of you shit though so... I digress.)  yet here the fuck you are...asking and telling I should be. Double talking. Telling me what needs to done. What I 'have to do'. Not asking...not gently advising.... telling!!



Oh? Word? Oh okay....Naw...

She never told me what to do. Fuck makes you that you can?

Does this mean I don't want advice? No. Don't want support? No.

Have I made it happen without that though being abundant from a sample pool of thirty people? Absofuckinglutely!

I just need you to listen to what you say/ evaluate what you wanna do in regards to me really carefully cause some of you know you have no business doing what you are doing. You know the positions I don't need to be in but yet here you are. Putting me in em.  And I'm trying to be nice...I'm not gonna be nice in a minute. Maybe you need to learn how to come at me. Maybe if you already have bullshit, maybe I don't need to be a party to it. I'm all stocked up on bullshit to deal with over here. None for me thanks.



She was bout the only person who could filter that.  She isn't here. Her memory is what's stopping me.

That's not gonna be enough in a minute.

Why do this here? @ these words today. Well shit cause some folks need to see me say it that's why. Duh!

There are that many you too and quite frankly I've got bigger fish to fry. As you so astutely keep pointing out like I don't know this or haven't been about them since the first one came on Mother's Day 1998.



If this doesn't pertain to you, chuckle it up, hit like or whatever and keep it moving.

If it is you though....yeah...if its you. Do what you need to do. I am.


......1/20/13



Raw emotions.... good and bad. Jersey flapping in the rafters and practice sessions showing things are intact. Offers to play for teams that I quite frankly refused to play for before and teams who should have been recruiting me from the gate but only showed interest once I got 'drafted'. Even got offers from the 'Celtics'...interesting indeed...

Pondering staying in retirement though not cause the game has changed. It is I that has changed..... I travel different now. I'd be on my AI talking about "Practice? We talking about practice?? Not a game...not a game.... " cause all I've done for almost ten years is show on game day, fill my role, win and go home. I ain't about that practice life at this juncture.

Brand loyalty....my team is defunct in a sense. Gotta carry on the name though minus the CEO of my corporation that I hand picked. Started from the ground up. @ company.


I own the team too though so I can move it wherever. Whenever i want to. Copyright and all. The name has my Daddy's blood on it...- a certain NC rapper..

Thing is...ugh....yeah...

I have to be cryptic cause I can't tell all as it isn't my nature anyway but I kinda gotta let it out some so...besides y'all asking on the sly so..


1/21/13


Sometimes you have open yourself up to the possibilities of the worst to get to the truth. I haven't forgotten how we learned that lesson TOGETHER Jane. I can rest assured NOW knowing I know what is was now. It is what I suspected originally but unfortunately the raw emotions and sudden flurry of 'details' that folks sat on conveniently till you died, muddying up the truth with their half baked theories full of speculation and bullshit.

Downstairs btw...not upstairs. She never went there...-_-. Just one the many misnomers I've heard as you guys hear "what happened" or what drove what to what from folks who, I've never seen in my life and have never been to my home. Listening to them feed you info due to them being 'close to the situation'.  Never seen em before. But they 'know'. They know so much that every 'detail' they have given you was wrong. Smh Only thing they got right was she was gone...that's it. Sad...no life having mofos shall not prosper around here though. Do me a favor. Don't ever intro me to those folks. Don't wanna to know em... Have no use for em...

You niggas oughta quit. @ making up shit. Yeah I've heard the rumors. Didn't know us then... still only know 4% now...@ some of y'alls 'friends'

Tell your friends to run up on me with shit. Please. I'm waiting.

Let me not Kirk all the way out...

Faith.. resolve...tough questions.. and facing things head on have netted the truth though...



Mother Hen Jane doing her. As usual. Doing it all when you didn't have to. @ what. If folks know you like they claim they do to whatever capacity that is, then they will get that. If they don't.... speculate on they will. I can't do shit about that.. have it.

I'm in a different place now than a few weeks ago. Back where I started when you passed. Investigation over for me.. I'm satisfied with my findings. Y'all got that..


 I've still got your Zen over here Pretty Gal @ my job/role in your life. Correction our life. Just gonna give it to the girls now :). You knew that though. Love you. Muah

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(Words) Walking the Walk with a person who is walking THAT WALK.. - Depression

Update:

I am so glad I made this post. I promise you, I almost didn't push send. Here's just ONE of the many examples why I am glad I did....I've received more than a few emails, letters, texts, etc like this. So I DEFINITELY know publishing this was the right thing..

First of all, it is hard for me to even say that word. @ depression.  I've called it everything but that for the past 15 years as I walked that walk with the person.  So for me to call it what it is finally, after the tragic events two weeks ago is huge for me. Don't get me wrong, I treated it as such but I just didn't want to use that word. I can now.



You see, two weeks ago, my wife committed suicide. With my gun. It wasn't her first attempt either. She didn't have the 'prototypical' bad week before it either. She was GREAT. We were great. When I went to bed, she was peaceful.



When I woke up.. she was gone.. 

There is nothing like waking up thinking 'Is today the day?" when things are going bad. That's not how it went down. She was peaceful. I had seen that peace before too. I think I alluded to that in the other blog posts. Marriage. Birth of kids. Milestones. Achievements. Didn't know that this time that peace meant.....

Lotta speculation on what 'made her do it' by the same folks who can't wrap their head around the fact that she did it in the first place. I've gotten advice not to blame myself only to then turn around and be questioned about 'Why I didn't do XYZ'... 

-_-


....Only to then be told that there was nothing I could do anyway.... 


-_- 


I know WHY though. @ the contradictions. Everyone wants 'answers'. No malice towards y'all. Just letting you know how it felt OVER HERE on my end. 

I was the one walking that walk WITH HER. The 'shock' that most of you are feeling right now? I had to get over that some 14 years ago the FIRST TIME she tried it. At some point, I had to admit to myself that this probably, despite my BEST EFFORTS, wasn't gonna have a Fairy Tale ending. I couldn't tell you that it was gonna be THAT DAY though. What I can tell you is I wasn't caught off guard in totality like y'all were. I would have had to have been a fool to be. 

Does that make it easier for me? No. 'Cause I have to still deal with the fact that she DID IT, I found her and the finality of the situation. It just moves the grief from one part to another basically. Same amount of hurt. Different place. It is just that I don't have that particular 'why' floating in my head. 

I guess now you are asking yourself why did I stay? 'Cause I know that some of you out there just aren't strong enough to deal with a situation like this and it is okay. Let me make this real easy for you. 

I loved her. Flaws and all. The end. 

I often make little tweets and Facebook statuses about 'accepting folks' as they are. With their flaws. As humans. They make more sense now don't they?

I often allude to how most of you could NEVER DO THAT. Not out of spite either. I wasn't kidding though. I actually do that. I don't even wanna get into the half of where this journey took BOTH OF US that I more than did my part and she did too. 

I knew she couldn't help the flaws she had due to her depression 'cause of her approach to the things she COULD HELP and control. Anything that she DID have control over, she controlled. Trust me. It took me awhile to figure that out though. By awhile, I mean YEARS. Once I did though, I was able to never  charge those type of things 'to her' again. Even when things got 'dark', I didn't. 

I knew the truth. 

The reason why she would do/act/etc the way she did. With that came another truth. I realized that if I WASN'T AROUND/awake/etc, things could South really quick and turn into what we are all facing today. 



I mean I already knew I wanted her to be mine, but that day, I made the decision to 'walk the walk THAT she walking on with her.' We only discussed it once well over a decade ago. Only had to once at least by name. It would be linked to every discussion that we had from that day forward though. 

Even in the face of me resigning that things could end this way, I NEVER GAVE UP HOPE that she would one day be well. Never. I had several good reasons not to. I was married to her for one and that in itself says you aren't supposed to abandon your partner. We had children. Then of course there was the love I had for her. No reason to jump off the ship, no matter how high the waves got. 


I'm going to give you a POSITIVE about her in this post. She was FIGHTING TOO. She fought off all of her demons for the better part of her thirty four years on this Earth to accomplish great things. Being a great mother. Being a CHIEF FINANCIAL OFFICER at the age of 33 and not of some lil lemonade stand type business. She won accolades all along the way and the hearts and respect of many. She never STOPPED FIGHTING EITHER. 

I know you may not believe that but TRUST me, she did not stop fighting. Maybe that is what has some of you 'conflicted'? That the person you knew was so well put together that she possibly couldn't have done this. I'm here to tell you that the 'put together' part wasn't a mirage but the pain was real. In the end, the pain and turmoil unfortunately won out.

MJ put up a helluva fight though. Lasted longer than a VAST MAJORITY OF FOLKS I KNOW who have had to fight that fight. I think that it may be looked at like she 'gave up' but you didn't even realize she was fighting the WHOLE TIME YOU KNEW/OF HER, so you didn't know what she looked like when she was FIGHTING. Ya dig? 


This probably isn't the last version of this you are gonna see here. I'm actually not doing these so much for others as I am doing it for myself. To let it out. To talk about it. Don't worry, one day, I WILL STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS. When I have exhausted my time talking about it, I won't go into it anymore. It will be a vaulted door so you better enjoy it now. Only when I want to though. That's my way. You have yours. I have mine. I feel like talking so that's what I'm gonna do. *shrugs* 















Maybe now the cryptic 'poem' I wrote makes more sense.. @ this revelation. Maybe now some of the things I wrote when I 'blacked out the blog' are a little clearer. 

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